


John And Esther

by Ghilliegirl57



Category: The Crucible - Miller
Genre: Beating, Character Death, Child Death, Corporal Punishment, Death, F/M, Gen, Hanging, Masturbation, Meeting, Modern Era, Pain, Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, Public Humiliation, Reincarnation, Soppy, Trauma, Whipping, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-02 13:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 62,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12727713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghilliegirl57/pseuds/Ghilliegirl57
Summary: Set in Salem focuses on a relationship between John Proctor and Esther Putnam, Elizabeth Proctor and Susannah Parris. Uses combinations of names from the time of the Salem Witch Trials. This is an AU there is no witch trial here.





	1. John and Esther Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Esther declare their love for each other. This is Salem 1692 John is Married to Elizabeth

Only about ½ a mile from home I reckon, and I’m not worried about walking it in the dark. An almost full moon casts a bright light on the frosted ground and I pick out the path easily. Besides I have a stout stick and I know how to use it, though hope I don’t have to, without it I’ll struggle to walk.

Master Proctor’s best milk cow kicked me across the milking parlour two days ago, I’m bruised and have a gash above my right knee where she sliced me with her hoof. Damned beast next time I go to milk her I’ll take a switch to her arse if she thinks to try again.

It’s not usually my task to go to Market, but Master Proctor said I must. Susannah’s away and the Mistress is not well enough, so it fell to me. Three miles there, three miles back and standing in the cold to boot. It’s an escape from my usual chores, I’ve enjoyed the gossip and I know the Mistress will be pleased. The butter and cheese has all sold, and even after purchasing the linen she needed, which now sits in the basket, there’s still a healthy profit. I check that my pocket is tied tightly around my waist and well hidden under my skirts.  
Elizabeth Proctor is a good Mistress, she gives credit where it’s due but you know when she’s displeased. Although she seems a frail woman she has backbone and needs it to deal with John Proctor, that dour bear of a man. I doubt I’ve seen him smile in the 6 months I’ve been in service. Aye, she can well keep him in check with her quiet voice and iron will, it does not do to cross her.

As I rest to ease my leg, I turn to thinking on John Proctor. He seems forever angry but he works hard to make the farm prosper and I’ve heard him talk to the Mistress about buying more stock, building a new barn. Standing here in the cold I think of the hours of hard, physical labour he puts in every day, ploughing and sowing clearing new ground, tending the beasts, All to keep his wife and children clothed and fed, to pay for servants to ease her burden and to give him a status in the community. Strangely he never takes on a farmhand to ease his own workload but I suppose his son will soon be of an age to help him.I  
A recollection from a sennight ago drops into my mind. A cold Autumn day and Master Proctor was stripped to the waist sawing logs. The sweat glistening and slick on his chest, the muscles of his arms corded and hard. My breath hitches of its own accord at the remembrance of it, my pulse is racing, I wonder to myself how it would be to feel his skin beneath my fingers. My face burns for shame and I try to banish the picture

“Esther” my heart pounds and I flinch with surprise “Esther”  
I know that voice, deep and rich. He is there a few feet in front of me, there is no need of a lantern on such a night and he knows the path well.  
“Aye Master Proctor”  
“What are you about standing in the dark like a simpleton? “Elizabeth bade me come look for you as you’re so late. There is something in his eye’s which gives the lie to what he says. Supper will soon be on the table girl and I’m of no mind to eat mine cold, with or without salt,”  
“I had to stop to ease my leg, I’m sorry, it’s kind of the Mistress to think of me I’m just a bit slower than usual, your damned milk cow saw to that” I add under my breath, but he hears me and I swear I hear him chuckle. He steps towards me with such purpose.  
“I’m sorry girl, I should have arranged for you to travel with farmer Hathorn it was not charitable of me to expect you to walk I did not think”  
His look is fierce and hot, he has not yet washed, and there are smears of dirt cross his forehead. My heart almost stops.  
The air grows warmer between us

“John” I shock myself with my boldness. It has always been Master Proctor, Master, or Sir. Never John.  
I see his brow rise and his forehead is furrowed. Moonlight turns his face to marble and without thought I settle my fingers against his cheek feeling his weathered skin and the softness of his beard where it reaches the corner of his mouth.  
He shivers and it’s not from cold then rests his own large rough and calloused hand over mine.  
“John did Elizabeth truly send you to look for me?”  
His answer is swift as he hauls me forward against his chest, the rough wool of his coat scratching against my face. My stick clatters to the floor and he takes the basket from my arm dropping it somewhere behind him.  
“No, Esther, she did not send me.” He whispers his voice so soft and smoky.  
Oh, the scent of him, sweet hay and tilled earth, stock pens and sweat, fire smoke and wool. I slide my arms under his coat and my hands crawl unbidden up his back feeling the hard muscles there.  
He yanks my head covering away and flings it into the bushes, where it hangs like a flag of surrender.  
“Your hair girl”, he growls against my ear, with a breath so hot I fear it will leave a burn on my skin. “Your hair is like fire, I’ve stood beneath your window on Summer mornings and seen the sun light dancing on it.”  
“John stop, we must go home, Elizabeth will be...” My words fall into his open mouth and he breathes them back at me mixed with his own sigh. I had never thought such a man could be so gentle. His lips clip mine, his mouth is softer than I could have imagined and tastes of ale and honey.  
I pull away  
“John not everyone has come away from the market, others will come this way we are not hidden and the moon is bright, John, Master Proctor we must go home before...”  
He holds me at arm’s length his hands gripping my upper arms.  
“Before what girl?” His voice is hoarse with emotion. “Before we confess to each other, before we condemn ourselves and are damned before God. Well if damnation is the price I should pay, I will pay it again and again”  
“You must not say such things” I am almost crying,

He raises his right hand to my cheek strokes his fingers down my skin and across my lips, I can see he’s smiling, such a gentle smile. “Esther can you truthfully say that you have not watched me when you think I’m not looking? I’ve felt your gaze burning my skin; if you speak don’t lie before God but most of all don’t lie to me”  
John is close to me now, and he folds me back into his arms cradling my head against his chest. “My heart is yours Esther, whether I be damned or not, I do not feel for any other woman what I feel for you”  
This time, his kiss is not so soft and I relish it, giving it back to him, tasting him, biting his lips, feeling his tongue in my mouth and mine in his. I rake my fingers through his short dark hair whimpering and mewling against his lips as he slides his hand beneath my woollen short coat to cup my breast. He strokes across the woollen fabric with his thumb relentlessly teasing the nipple beneath. Searing heat races down to my belly and thighs, I begin to shake and he holds me even closer whispering my name as he slips a hand between us cupping it between my legs. I can feel the wetness begin to soak into the fabric as he works his fingers hard against me through my dress

“Esther” he groans against my mouth. Suddenly he is pulling at the fastenings on my coat and his hands are at the neck of my dress, I realise what he is about.  
“No John, No, don’t not like this, it is my good work dress, and how will I explain to your wife. Will you shame me so?  
He steps back suddenly a look of remorse on his face, then stands head down and fists loosely balled at his sides.  
“Forgive me Esther, I did not mean...”  
There is distance between us now and cold air swirls around.  
As I button up my coat he retrieves my head covering from the bush and hands it to me before lifting the hair up from my shoulders and letting it fall back “Beautiful, he whispers. Will you forgive me Esther?” He knows the answer before I give it but I press my fingers to my lips, then lean in and press them against his. “Forgiven John, Forgiven”

His eyes are on me as I cover my hair, an intimate act one which a husband would witness. There is a sweet, warm smile on his lips and it reaches to his eyes. Before he gathers up the basket and retrieves my stick he opens his arms wide and I fall against him for a last kiss before we head for the farm.  
Elizabeth will be anxious, but I know she will not question John when he tells her that my leg pains me and I needed to rest.  
John carries the basket in his left hand and for as long as we dare, we walk with our arms around each other. I relish the feel of his strong hard body against me as we head towards the pin prick of light, the lantern Elizabeth has placed above the door to guide us home.  
Our breaths are white on the air and tilt my head up to him for one last swift kiss.  
As he opens the door Elizabeth’s small voice floats towards us.

“What kept you so late?”

John hands me the basket and he presses his hand against my back, it comforts me, for I have no way of knowing when, I shall feel his touch again. I dare not look at him.  
Coming into the heat of the house after the icy cold of outdoors makes me dizzy, and the smell of the fire, the food and the tapers, catches in my throat; I feel the colour drain from my face and my stomach churns.  
The house is quiet, we are so late the children are abed. Mistress Proctor, is a small bird of a woman who flutters around like a sparrow, but she’s as fierce as a hawk and as unbending as an oak. As she looks up from her needlework I wait for her to chide me for being so late but she does not.  
“Esther you’re as pale as this linen, sit down before you fall”  
I sit at the table.  
“I am sorry for being so late and for keeping you and the Master from your supper but I could not walk faster. I think my leg is not healing as it as it should” I am glad Master Proctor came when he did else I may not have been home yet, but everything was sold at market and I bought you he best linen I could find”  
I slide my hands through the seam openings of my dress, untie the pocket and hand it over to her. She balances the weight of it in her hand and smiles, then leaves the room to count the money and put it in the strong box.


	2. John and Esther Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fire rages but who will get burnt

John has not spoken a word since we came home. His coat hangs behind the door and his boots are on the floor beneath it. I cannot help but watch as he pulls off his shirt and kneels, bare chested before the wooden tub of hot water. As he washes the dirt of the day from his skin he stretches and bends, arches his back and his firm muscles ripple as the light from the fire and tapers makes his body glow. Sitting back on his heels to dry himself, drops of water sparkle in his hair and beard and glisten on his broad chest and forearms. I want to snatch the cloth and kneel beside him to dry his skin and lick the trickle of water that runs down his chest.  
I have seen him wash before but after what has happened between us, tonight is different. I could die for the want of him. He looks at me, his gaze locked onto mine, the room falls away there is nothing but those blue eyes. No man should have eyes like that. Full of fire that could melt the flesh from your bones and ice that could freeze you to the spot.  
He pulls a fresh shirt over his head, then goes to taste the stew, we both know it will not be well seasoned, adding more salt he stirs it again. Then looks at me warmly a slight smile lifts one corner of his mouth.  
Elizabeth returns and I look away from him.  
“You’ve done well Esther, the profit is good even taking into account the cost of the linen. It’s a fine piece of cloth. Did you buy it from Master Martin?”  
I smile at her shyly “Aye and I haggled for it”  
“Haggling, with Thomas Martin?” the surprise shows in her face.  
John gives a low chuckle “That’s a first in the history of the town, he’ll not want it known you bested him over the price of length of good cloth”  
I smile across and shift in my chair. The pain in my leg is so bad now that I think I’m going to faint and the Mistress notices.  
“Esther, up on the table and rest your feet on the bench, I need to look at your leg. John supper will have to wait, this needs tending to”  
I hitch up my skirts and Elizabeth removes the bandage. Her hands are rough but her touch is gentle. I feel a pang of guilt for what has passed between John and me.  
“There’s no smell Esther, that’s good but it is not clean so will not heal” She tosses the soiled dressing onto the fire then gathers up clean linen. Herbs and salt go into a glazed dish and are pounded together with boiling water to make a cleansing wash. I look down at the wound, the edges are thick and pus is oozing out from it.  
“This will hurt Girl, best have something to bite on, John pass me that large wooden spoon and heat up a sharp knife for me” he hands the spoon to her and I set the handle between my teeth as she sets to work. She washes deep, deep into the wound and the pain knocks the breath out of me. I bite down hard to stifle a scream  
“Hold her still John. If she can’t stand this she’ll not stand the rest of it.” “You need to look at Master Proctor Esther and not at what I’m doing”  
“Be calm girl” he warns and blinks rapidly, his slight smile gives me courage. “Grip my shoulder you will not hurt me”  
I gladly do so as John grips my ankle with his right hand and presses down on my bare thigh with his left. Even through my pain I feel the fire from his touch, it races straight to that point between my legs where I want him to be. My back arches and I dig my fingers hard into the muscle of his shoulder. The Mistress thinks it’s the pain and the smell of my searing flesh, that makes me move so, but I look into John’s eyes and he knows the truth of it.  
Then nothing.  
I wake, I’m lying flat on the table, my leg and head are throbbing madly and the smell of burning still in my nostrils makes me groan and retch. I close my eyes again, even the pale light makes them hurt.  
“Drink this Esther.” Elizabeth slides her arm under my shoulders to I raise my head. But I feel sick and the room spins... I let out a low moan and I am lowered back to the table.  
“You’ll have to carry her up to her room John”  
I feel him slip his strong arms beneath me, lifting me as if I am no more than a feather weight. As I settle against his chest he turns away from Elizabeth and quickly drops a kiss against the top of my head, the feel of his warm solid muscles is almost too much to bear, my eyelids flutter closed and I drift away again. The next I know, I’m being laid on my bed.  
“You’ll have to hold her up husband while I take off her boots and unfasten her dress,  
He sits beside me holding me gently and when she is done with my boots, he turns me slightly so she can unlace my dress to slide it down over my shoulders and arms leaving my shift to cover my upper body.  
“I can manage now John it’s not seemly for you to be here any longer. I’ll join you for supper when I’m done.”  
Elizabeth slides her arm behind me and as John releases his hold she settles me back against the pillow. As he stands the bed lifts, I hear the floor boards creak and even with Elizabeth there I feel so alone.  
Settled I close my eyes, willing the pain away.  
“Rest now Esther and try to sleep, you may lie abed tomorrow rise when you’re ready”  
I mumble my thanks and she leaves me alone.  
Elizabeth doles out the stew, she sighs “I don’t know but that these next few days are going to be difficult, with Susannah away and Esther hardly able to stand.  
His voice was low “I’m sure Esther will be able to help you with inside chores and I shall have to manage as best I can until Susannah comes back. John lays his hand over his wife’s, she moves hers away. Her face is chalk white and her eyes are dull.  
He takes a mouthful of his lukewarm stew, then pushes the plate from him.  
“I’ll take a beaker of water and her stick up to her you rest here, this babe is taking a deal out of you Elizabeth and I’ve no mind to have you traipsing up and down more than you need when you’re not well  
I wake suddenly sensing someone standing beside my bed and realise it’s John. There’s a clatter as he places something on the chest.  
“I’ve brought you some water Esther, your stick is beside your bed.  
“Have I been asleep long?” I stretch a little and stifle a yawn  
“No” I hear the catch in his voice  
He lowers himself down and I feel the bed dip.  
“Oh sweet Esther” his voice is so low and soft as he strokes my hair. “I don’t know when I fell in love with you girl, I think I might always have been in love with you,” His voice is raw with emotion.  
I catch hold of his hand, press the back of it against my mouth and kiss it “John kiss me before you go back down, just one kiss”  
Without a thought he leans over me and lowers his mouth to mine, his kiss is so soft, I feel his tongue teasing my lower lip. He lifts me from the pillow, my head swims but I don’t care, I just want to feel his mouth on mine, his arms around me. This bear of a man cradles me against his chest and strokes my hair as if I am the most precious thing on earth.  
“You must sleep now Esther,” his voice barely a whisper. Gently he sets me back on the pillows then moves to leave.  
“Oh Lord I forgot the message for Mistress Proctor”  
“What Message?”  
“I passed time with Susannah’s sister, she said their mother is much improved and that Susannah would be back with us before dark on Sunday.”  
“I’ll tell Elizabeth,” he placed a soft kiss on my forehead, “now sleep”  
Elizabeth looks up from her sewing as John comes comes into the room, there is a question in her eyes, he reads it and it says “why did you take so long?”  
“Esther was fretting about not being able to do all her chores, and in all the commotion she forgot to give you a message about Susannah.”  
“Oh” Elizabeth steeled herself for bad news, a look of anxiety flickers over her face.  
John catches it “There’s no need to worry Elizabeth, Susannah will be back with us on Sunday,  
But Elizabeth knows there’s something else and he can see it written plain across her face.

With one kiss John has set the fire raging in me again. If I could not have him, I must have some release else I will burst. I slide my tight hand down my body, I trail the fingers of my the other around my breast feeling the nipple swell as I roll and nip it.  
Down and down I move my other hand, stroking over my ribs, my stomach and down to the slight swell of my belly. Through the thatch of hair and down between my legs until my fingers find that sweet spot. All the time wishing it is John touching me, kissing me. I can feel the heat of his breath, the nip of his teeth and the brush of his beard against my skin.  
I am wet for him, my breath heaves raggedly in my chest and my hips buck and rise as I move my fingers in and out slowly at first and with my other hand I tease and circle my fingers around that little bud, the centre of all searing pleasure. I imagine its John between my thighs sucking and lapping at me whilst his fingers fill me. The thought of it makes me want to roar. Moving my fingers faster and faster clenching around them and in my mind I feel him inside me. I can’t wait, I need this too much. I feel the waves of pleasure surge through me. My body and legs begin to shake, I am breathing in quick short breaths. When I come it’s fast and powerful my body jolts again and again. I want to scream out John’s name, but I press my fist against my mouth and all that escapes is a long low moan. 

Sweet God what will I do when Susannah comes back to share this room. How will I steel myself against this need of him? She will surely discover my secret she’s sly and a little mean and I don’t know that I can trust her, but I push that from my mind and drift to sleep.


	3. John and Esther Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth is Tetchy and Tired. John is Master in his own house

When I wake it is well past dawn but the sky is the leaden grey of unpolished pewter and there is no sun to help me gauge the exact hour.  
My head no longer throbs and spins, so I hitch myself up to look out of the window across from my bed. The trees are bare now, silhouetted against the sky black branches are being whipped about by a strong wind. The season is changing, Winter is on its way.  
Much as I would like to stay abed, the Mistress has already given me several hours grace and I know that in spite of my injury she will still expect me to help in the house. I swing my legs from the warm bed and as my feet hit the cold floor I hiss my breath. Dressing quickly I wrap a shawl around my shoulders and crossing it over my chest I take the ends behind me to tie them at the small of my back. That way I’ll not spend the day trying to stop it slipping off. I take a comb to my hair and smooth it down before I cover it with a square of grey cloth.

My leg is stiff and sore, the stairs are steep, and I have to step down them like a child, placing both feet on each tread before I can move to the next.  
Mistress Proctor, seated at the table is dressed in her usual black with a white head cloth wrapped over her soft brown hair. She has the accounts book laid in front of her and is scratching columns of figures onto a fresh page. Looking up at me she smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. They are dull, with shadows like bruises beneath them. I notice how unwell she looks, her skin is dry and pale like old book pages and her cheeks are sunken. There is none of the bloom I have seen on other women carrying a child.  
“Take some food Esther and while you eat we’ll talk”  
I nod to her, spoon corn mush onto my plate and pour myself some water. Waiting for her to speak I shuffle the food around then take a little of it. It turns to ashes in my mouth and I splutter and cough.

“You will work indoors with me for the present, then once Susannah is back we’ll see how you’re faring” She closes her account book with a snap and slides it into the pocket under her skirt. “You can help with the linens today.” She nods to the cupboard where they are stashed next to the work basket. “The new sheeting needs hemming and there is clothing to be repaired, you can watch Abigail for me while I turn the cheeses and work in the still room. Samuel is with Master Proctor” She doesn’t even wait for me answer, but makes her way to the back of the house. There’s an air of suspicion, and I see a look in her eye which says “Something is happening here”  
Abigail is four years old, she has her father’s piercing blue eyes, firm jaw and dark hair but the slight build of her mother. Elizabeth has placed her beneath the plank table, it keeps her safe and secure and with benches at each side it acts as a playpen. She sits contentedly on an old patchwork coverlet, happily chattering to a rag doll and a toy horse on wheels which I know for a fact John made for her. She is a sweet child and happy to be there.

After cleaning my dishes and scraping the remains of the food into the pig bucket I set myself to looking through the linens. They need to be sorted first, new work, items for repair and those things beyond redemption which are to be torn into strips or cut into patches. On winter nights we will plait the strips together to make rugs, or sew larger pieces to make quilts. I feel calm and content as I push the needle in and out and in and out of the fabric, setting a soothing and comforting rhythm. My mind drifts away and I think about how much I have grown to love John Proctor.

It’s generally thought that only Old Maids lost in reminiscences and Greensick Girls speak of love at first sight. I never believed it until the day I arrived at the Proctor farm. Master John Proctor had scarce spoken a word on our drive from the town, I remember he frightened me a little with his cold manner, colder stare and deep voice.  
A tall, strong man with a stern expression. But when he helped me down from the waggon, his hands firm and sure about my waist, mine resting lightly on his broad solid shoulders, I took in my breath sharply. For a moment, before he set me to the ground we were eye to eye, my slate grey to his piercing blue. It was only for an instant but I knew and from his look so did he, that our lives would never be the same again. We were bound with an invisible, unbreakable thread. My heart had thudded in my chest and I saw something in those eyes that made me feel giddy. He took his hands slowly away from my waist and I looked up at him, there was the smallest hint of a smile on his lips.  
But after six months where are we? The accidental brushing of fingers, the smiles when no one is looking, and soft kisses when we are hidden from sight, that’s where we are.  
I love it when we are private enough for him to run his hands though my hair or stand behind me, holding me with my back tight against his chest, his breath warm against me as he buries his face into my neck lightly nipping my skin with his teeth. Until yesterday I had never had the chance just to call him by his name.  
But our passion is rising, I burn for John Proctor and I would gladly raise my skirts for him. There are days when I feel no better than a bitch on heat and I don’t care. But this is not lust, I love him.  
In my mind I have a picture of sitting here quietly on winter evenings. I imagine him in the large chair by the fire, long legs outstretched, crinkles settling round his beautiful blue eyes as the smile on his lips reaches to them. I imagine the feel of his hand in my hair as I sit on the floor beside him, or of his arms tight around me as I sit in his lap. I close my eyes and press one of his work shirts to my face. It still bears a faint scent of him and I breathe in deeply.

My dream is shattered as the door swings and slams against the wall. Samuel races into the room like a child on fire and he leaves it wide open behind him.  
“I need something to eat, I need something to eat, I’m starvin’ I’ve been helping my Papa and I’m starvin’”  
I hadn’t realised how late it was, I’d been downstairs an hour or two at most, Mistress Proctor never made mention of the time.  
“Whoa, ease up Samuel don’t be in such a rush” He slows, looks at me and then down at the floor  
“Oh Esther I’m sorry I forgot to take off my boots.”  
“Never mind, take them off now before you tread any more through the house.” He looks shamefacedly at the trail of mud he’s left across the boards.  
Sighing, I stab my needle down safely into the pile of linens and place them on the top of the cupboard. I’ll need to clean the floor before we sit to eat, Mistress Proctor keeps a tidy house.  
“Shall I fetch the bucket Esther?” He’s trying to make amends. Samuel at seven years old is an acorn which didn’t fall far from the tree, he’s the miniature of John.  
“Yes you do that while I set the table it’ll save me some time” I lay out everything for the meal along with Cider for Master Proctor and water for myself, the children and Elizabeth. Samuel comes back with the bucket, he’s slopped as much water over the floor as is left in it. He smiles shyly, a dimple forming at each corner of his mouth.  
“Where’s your Papa?”  
“Just coming, he’s stacking the logs in the store”  
“Go and wash before you eat child” he scuttles off to the back room and as I set on with cleaning the floor Mistress Proctor comes back through. She glares at the mess.  
“Samuel,” she yells for the boy and he edges his way back into the room, “I should back hand you for this” her voice has risen and it shocks me, I have never heard her shriek at the children in the time I’ve been here. Tears well up in the child’s eyes and his cheeks redden “It was an accident Mamma, I just forgot to take my boots off” his words come out in a series of sobs and hiccoughs. It’s clear that he’s not used to Elizabeth raising her voice this way. I can only think that it is the pregnancy is making her weary and snappy. I want to intervene, but It’s not my place and I daren’t.  
“Take the bucket out for Esther, then come and sit up at table Samuel” her voice is gentler now and she ruffles his hair, he manages a watery smile.

I haul Abigail, the coverlet and toys out from her “den”, fold the cloth and place it on the bench for her as a cushion and she clambers on to it. She is a mite small to reach the table without it. No one had bothered to close the door and I hear John’s heavy footsteps as he walks up to the house. I catch sight of his back as he stoops to remove his boots. My breath quickens at the thought of seeing him, the heat rises in my cheeks. I dare do no more than flick a glance at across him as he comes through the doorway.  
I am under Elizabeth’s scrutiny, her expression is calm but she is watching me through narrowed eyes.  
“John lowers his long frame into the chair, I pass him a platter of food and Abigail sets her toy horse on the table top and begins wheeling it up and down and in and out of the dishes. Her father smiles lovingly at her childish play and prattle, he has a tender spot for his daughter.  
“Stop it child” Elizabeth’s voice is strident again, she reaches across and snatches the toy from Abigail before slamming it down on the table with such force that one of the legs snaps clean in two. A low keening starts deep in the child’s chest and in no time Abigail is screaming and sobbing.  
“Elizabeth there was no need” Master Proctor’s voice is a warning rumble. John is a father with a firm hand, he believes in discipline for his children, but he loves to see them play and be themselves and is never so strict that they fear him.  
“I will have good manners at my table husband, her mouth lingers on the word as she looks across at me. You are too lax with them.” John does not argue but the look he flashes Elizabeth silences her.  
Abigail continues to sob, Samuel looks down at his food his lower lip trembling. He is fiercely protective of his sister and I catch him about to say something to his Mamma.

“Samuel”, I get his attention,” are you not hungry after working with your Papa this morning?” Nodding at me he begins to pick at his food and the confrontation is avoided, though Abigail is still sobbing  
“Shall I take Abigail from the table Mistress?  
“No the child must stay and behave”  
“Yes, John’s voice is low but it carries weight, take her and let her settle Esther”  
John’s word is final and Elizabeth will not cross him. I help Abigail down from the bench and snag a piece of bread and some cheese, hand in hand we head for the door and the fresh air.  
“You too Samuel go with Esther” John nods at his son.  
“Yes Papa” The boy clambers out, picks up his plate and follows me outside.  
We move away from the house and hunker down at the side of the log store out of the chill wind.  
John moves to sit beside his wife and clasps her hand, his expression softens and this time she doesn’t snatch her hand away “Elizabeth you must be calm” his tone is firm but reasonable. “Let Esther and Susannah when she returns take the lion’s share. This agitation and upset is not good for you or the child” He moves a hand to her belly. In that moment he realises that he has never loved Elizabeth, it hits him like a blow and he feels ashamed. He has protected, cared and provided for her but never ever loved her. “Go and take some rest, Esther can deal with the easy chores I’ll send her up and you can tell her what needs to be done.” He takes no pleasure from seeing her tired and unwell.


	4. John and Esther Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hopes and wishes and stolen kisses

Elizabeth is bone weary, and finds it an effort even to climb the stairs. Once in their room she strips to her shift and clambers under the covers. She loves John but has always known he has never really loved her, tears squeeze from her eyes as she closes them.  
“Esther, Esther” I hear him call and hand in hand with the children I limp back to the house.  
John feels the breath hang in his lungs and his chest is tight, the sight of Esther smiling brightly as she comes back with the children is almost too much for him. They look so right together, so right.  
“Yes Master Proctor?”  
“The Mistress is not well, she’s gone to her bed, quickly now leave the children with me and go up and get your instructions”  
I hobble up the stairs, hesitate then knock softly and the door.  
“Come”

“I beg your pardon but Master Proctor says I’m to speak to you about my chores.”  
Elizabeth nods. “I know you can’t do much heavy work Esther, so continue with the linens and make sure my family are fed. If I don’t rise tomorrow, then do the same again and you can make a start on the still room. Oh and I need you to start an inventory of our dry goods, we need to be thinking ahead for the Winter. Your lettering isn’t so good, so you may ask Master Proctor to help you if you need. That’ll be sufficient for now child, can you manage?”  
“Yes Mistress I can manage, can I bring you anything to eat or drink”  
“Just some water will do, leave the door open when you go” and with that I am dismissed.  
John is seated at the table, Abigail on his knee Samuel sitting beside him. He seems younger somehow, his face less careworn. I pause before entering, Abigail is all a chatter. “Can you mend my horse Papa?  
“I can mend him but It may not last my sweetheart, I’ll make you another” The child wraps her arms around her father’s neck, plants a soft, wet kiss on his cheek, then strokes his beard, “It always tickles” she rubs her nose against his chin and giggles. The smile that lights his face grips at my heart  
“Would you make me a horse too Papa, Samuel asks, I don’t want wheels on mine though. That’s for babies” he adds in a whisper. John nods, smiles and hugs Samuel to his side.

“Master Procter I have made note of my chores, I just need to take the mistress some water”  
“Did my wife not ask for food?” he frowns, deep furrows form on his forehead  
“No Sir, only water”  
John looks pointedly at my leg knowing I need to make another trip up the steep stairs.  
“It’s of no matter” I mouth to him. As I stand on the landing staring at the door to their room, I imagine laying in that bed with John and I want to cry. When I enter their bedchamber Elizabeth is asleep.  
John calls up the stairs “I’m going back out to the stables now Esther, Samuel is with me and Abigail is back in her hidey–hole”  
I baby step down the stair again  
Samuel, you go on over to the stable, but wait outside, I don’t want you in there alone with that stallion, I need to speak with Esther, Samuel runs outside with his boots in hand and as he stops to put them on John closes the door and nods towards the still room, I walk across and he follows.  
“Esther, will you bring me an apple from the rack please” Abigail calls  
“I will a nice shiny one”

John moves past me, takes me by the hand and draws me into the room. The door is not closed but “pushed to”. No one can see us and he stands gazing at me.  
“Is something wrong?” I ask him  
“Everything” the word comes out like a sigh but there is a bitter edge to it. He takes hold of my hands curling his long calloused fingers round them. “Everything Esther, when I saw you walking with the children it almost cut me in two knowing they’re not ours.”  
That shocks me and indeed it makes me a little angry.  
“That’s a shameful thought John Proctor” I snap at him, they are not ours and no amount of your wishing can make it otherwise. To speak so is to disrespect Elizabeth, your wife, their mother, she carried your children and suffered the pain of bearing them.”  
He feels the heat of my anger and steps back at the force of it, bowing his head for shame. Whatever my feelings for John and my opinion of Elizabeth it is not fair to slight her so.

Before I can say more he reaches forward and has me in his arms, his mouth on mine is fierce and needy, he is biting my lip and that insistent tongue is pushing and exploring, his hand firm at the back of my head my arms around his waist I match him kiss for kiss, then he slows, takes the covering from my head and threads his fingers through my hair, kissing me more gently now, soft “clipping” kisses. The very scent of him excites me and I feel my legs tremble.  
“Esther there are times when I look at you and feel I my self-burning, I want you, God, girl I want you, I love you” His breath his hot against my ear his voice low and hoarse. “I want you in my arms at night, to feel your body next to mine and wake up beside you.”  
“Don’t you think I wish for the same, but we cannot make the impossible possible just by wishing it to be so. “We are hemmed in John, I can see no way through this.”  
My voice is a croak, tears prick my eyes. I feel in my heart that this will not work and no good will come of it. Our lives will be wretched and we will be condemned to live in a fierce world of our own making.

“Samuel will be waiting for you” I lay my hands against his cheeks and pull his head down to me for one last kiss before I move away. “Go John, please go” With his eyes closed he presses his forehead to mine and as he pulls away I hear his ragged breath, I would swear before God that there are tears forming in those piercing blue eyes and he holds onto my hand for as long as he can, before our fingers slide apart.  
Before he leaves he crouches down by the table “You be good for Esther Abigail”  
“Yes Papa”  
I cover my hair and snatch up an apple for her. As I hand it to her she peers up at me.  
“Esther?”  
“Yes child?”  
“Is Papa alright, he looked so very sad.”

“He’s just worried about your Mamma” I answer her and I am shocked at how easily the lie drops from my lips.  
The house is quiet now, and I stand in the centre of the room enjoying the space and silence. There has been little sunshine today and it will be dark early, so before I set to my sewing I go up to check on the mistress. She is still sound asleep and in truth looks like a corpse, rail thin and her body hardly makes a shape beneath the covers.  
I prepare the stew for supper and put it beside the fire to cook slowly then scoot out the back to the herb patch. There is Rosemary, still fresh and strong smelling and a little thyme that hasn’t yet shrivelled under the first frosts. I pop the sprigs into the pan then I set to my sewing again. I work quickly but carefully. I know my needlework is good that’s one of the reasons the Mistress took me on. Susannah couldn’t sew a neat stitch if her life depended on it and everything she attempts ends up fit for nothing save cleaning rags  
Abigail and I sit contentedly in our own little world, the silence broken only by the occasional crack of a log on the fire, or the sound of John and Samuels voices in the distance.  
I catch the scent of Rosemary on my fingers. Rosemary, my favourite herb, Rosemary for weddings, for death and for remembrance.


	5. John and Esther Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The die is cast, lovers' Sweet moments, then a spanner in the works

My sewing work is almost done not much left to finish now, tomorrow I can start on my other chores. Dusk is creeping in and I light the candles and lanterns.   
Abigail is almost too tired to eat so I sit her on my lap and feed her. She has flushed cheeks and her eyes are glittery with the look of a child fighting sleep. I wash her and take her up to bed. She wants to say goodnight to Elizabeth, but when we look in her mamma is still sleeping.   
The table is set. A tub filled with hot water sits before the fire. On a whim I place a small cloth and a herb scented soap ball beside it because it pleases me to do it for John. Elizabeth never did such a thing as far as I know. Samuel is the first home, he remembers to remove his boots looks across at me shyly then grins wide, I smile back and I see John in him. 

“Go and wash your hands child then run up and see if your Mamma is awake. If she is ask her if she would like something to eat, but don’t you fuss her Samuel.  
“Is the supper ready Esther?” The voice slides over me like molasses, sweet and rich and dark, my eyelids droop and I shiver with pleasure and desire.  
“Yes Master Procter” I am careful to address him as such whenever the children or Elizabeth may be about.  
I stand stock still and wipe my hands on my apron as I let my gaze slide up and down that long frame. My eyes linger on those long thighs, slim hips and broad chest. I’m rewarded with a warm, knowing smile and a look from those blue eyes that pins me to the spot,  
“We’ll eat first this evening, the boy is hungry he has worked hard today.”   
Samuel rushes through and clatters up the stairs.  
“Oh heavens I told him to be quiet,”

John tips his head back and laughs, “Esther girl you surely know small boys are rarely quiet and Samuel can be less so than most”  
As usual John hangs his coat and sets boots beside the door, then comes to stand close beside me. He faces the fire, I face the table. He traces his fingers lightly across my belly to my side. Sliding his arm firmly around me he lets his hand come to rest on my hip then leans into me pressing his lips softly against my temple.  
Hearing Samuel bounding down the stairs we spring apart and I move to the table.  
“Esther, Mamma doesn’t want to eat supper”  
“Up to the table then child, I motion John to the table “Master Proctor will you sit?”  
Moving about the table I dole out the food, I pour water for Samuel and Cider for John who unseen by the child strokes the fingers of one hand slowly up and down the back of my thigh. I can feel the heat of his touch searing through the fabric of my dress. A shock shoots through me, I grip the pitcher handle tight and set my other hand beneath it for fear it will crash to the floor.

“Samuel will go back to school tomorrow Esther, Reverend Burrows came by to say Goody Faulkener is well. So I shall be without my apprentice.  
I can see that Samuel thinks of arguing for the sake going back for one day, but a look from John is enough to make him stay his tongue.  
I pick at my food and more than once catch John question me with his eyes. I am not hungry, and why? Because the moment Samuel goes to his bed I know John and I will be alone together. The thought terrifies and excites me in equal measure. I clear the table and scrape the platters, Samuel bids goodnight to his father and makes his way upstairs. I follow to settle him and make sure he has everything ready for his return to School in the morning.

When I come back John is already stripped to the waist and kneeling beside the tub. I take a wide berth around him and he flashes me a look that is so hot and predatory that my breath catches in my chest and my legs tremble. He wets the cloth and rubs the soap ball on to it, releasing the scent of the herbs.   
The air around me burns, it sears my lungs and I lose the power of speech and movement. I stare unashamedly as he cleans the grime from his face and neck, my blood races. Slowly I move towards him and drop to my knees beside him, then take the cloth from his hand to wet it and soap it again. His eyes dark and wide, bore into me before he leans over the tub to splash his chest and back with water. I lean into him wiping across each shoulder, and then slowly and methodically down each arm.   
I marvel at the shape of him and the light playing on his skin, my tongue slips over my lips and John smiles wide. I move behind him and with one hand wipe the cloth over his back as I trail the fingers of my other lightly over his skin. He shivers beneath my touch, but his flesh is warm and without thought I stretch up and press my mouth to the base of his neck, then I track a line of soft kisses down his spine.   
“Esther,” John’s voice is a deep, rolling purr, I feel the vibration of it work through his back and pulse against my lips. As I move in front of him he splays his knees wide and still kneeling I settle between them, wetting the cloth again I begin to wash his chest.  
I catch his nipple with my nail he tilts his head back slightly and a low growl escapes him as his eyelids flutter closed. Abandoning the cloth I play my fingers through the hairs on his chest he presses my hand flat against his skin and I feel the rapid, rhythmic beating of his heart.  
“John” the word comes out as a sob and my voice is hoarse. A tension borne of emotion and anticipation makes the air crackle as he wraps his arms around me and kisses that sweet spot between ear and jaw.

Suddenly fear grips me. I wrench myself from his arms and stagger to my feet stepping back from him.   
“Esther?” his voice is calm, gentle, questioning. “Esther, come here” he holds out his hands but I am rooted to the spot  
“I’m afraid John” I whisper just loud enough for him to hear and a look of anxiety clouds his features. “I’m afraid of how I feel for you, afraid of what we might or might not do, of what might happen to us, of being discovered, of being sent away never to see you again. The words pour from my mouth in a rush and my whole body is shaking.  
On his feet now he takes hold of my right hand again and brings it flat against his chest. His eyes lock on to me and the look grounds me.   
“Feel my heart beat”, he whispers “My heart is yours, only yours.”   
But I can’t meet his gaze any longer and I stare at the floor.

He pulls me into him and I settle against his chest, I can hear the beat of him now, the life of him.  
“There is no need for you to be afraid” his voice is a sweet whisper, “Know only that I will love you, I will care for you and if needs be I will defend you with my last breath. We will stand against whatever comes at us. You must believe me Esther, I will never see you abandoned.”  
I slide my arms around his back, he holds one large hand against my head his other arm around my shoulders and I am content just to stand in that circle as he holds me close and drops soft kisses onto my forehead. There’s nothing else to say, I feel warm and safe now and I know that what he’s said is true. Whatever occurs, John will be there to protect me.  
We cling together like two people trying to stop each other from drowning. I wonder if the water will climb too high, run too fast and pull us down drowning into it’s depths?  
“What was that” I jump back startled by a noise from outside the front of the house.   
He frowns slightly, shakes his head “I heard nothing”   
There it is again, the rattle of a waggon and the jingle of horse harness.   
I hear a call outside “My Thanks Master Willard, appreciate the ride back”  
My heart falls, right to my boots.

“Oh lord no” I groan as I hear someone running up the steps to the door, two sharp knocks and it flies open.  
“Good evening Master Proctor” Susannah drops her bundle onto a bench.  
“Good Evening Susannah, I had not expected you until Sunday afternoon” John’s voice is flat and there is a tight smile on his lips  
“Mother is much better now, she can manage and they can do without another mouth to feed, there are already eight at my Aunts house.   
“That’s good to hear,” I smile at her “I’m glad she’s better” and I mean it. Susannah’s Mother is a kind and generous woman, Susannah it is safe to say, is not.  
As she stands there she flicks her gaze to John who is still stripped to the waist, I swear she licks her lips before she settles her gaze on the front of my dress. I had not noticed the wet patches that remain from when I had rested against him.   
There’s a false, knowing smile plastered across her face. I swallow hard and look her straight in the eye daring her to say anything. She doesn’t, but I know full well she will be storing up what she has seen.

Susannah plonks down heavily on the bench “Where is the Mistress?”  
John answers her, his voice as flat as before “She is not well Girl, she went to her bed and has been sleeping for most of the afternoon.”  
There is an uneasy silence.  
“Are you done with the tub Master Procter? I ask  
“I’m done Girl” He slides back into that hard shell, that firm mouthed, cold eyed, shell.  
“You come with me Susannah and I’ll catch you up on all that’s happened although there ain’t much to tell.”  
“Oh you’re lame Esther, what did you do?”  
“Argument with a blasted milk cow and she won, as I said come with me and tell you the news”  
John twitches his lips into the ghost of a smile and hauls a shirt over his head. A strange feeling grips at him, a feeling of loss and he knows that trying to make time with Esther will be nigh on impossible now. There will be little chance of stolen kisses and lingering smiles, Susannah would be there or thereabouts all the time. He cannot bring himself to like that Girl he never could, there was something about her, but he’d make the best on it for Esther’s sake  
By the time we come back he is seated by the fire busy carving another horse for Abigail, handling the wood with care and delicacy for a man with large, work worn hands. Susannah helps me clear the supper dishes and between us we scrub down the table with salt and hot water.  
“Mistress Proctor will be glad to have you back Susannah”, I smile at her “I know she’s missed you”   
“Oh I expect she has, we get on so well” There’s a confidence in her voice, a surety regarding her position. It’s true there seems to be bond between Susannah and Elizabeth. I can’t figure it, I don’t think either of them likes the other overmuch, but they seem to see things the same way. It will be them against us, against me and John and my stomach lurches. How will we go on now that Susannah is back?

“Master Procter” I stand before John “is there anything else you need, If not, then may I be excused and have permission to go to my bed?  
“You go Esther, you’ve worked hard today and you have a good list of chores for tomorrow, Susannah you go too, get a good night’s sleep”  
“Oh I’m fine” she murmured in a sickeningly coy tone, her eyelids lowered in fake modesty “I can sit up a while if you’d like”  
“No you go to your bed you’ll need to be up early, I need you to help me in the dairy and Esther has her chores. I’ll say goodnight to you both.” His voice was brisk and cool.  
I couldn’t help but notice the look of triumph on Susannah’s face at the thought of spending time alone with John.  
“Goodnight Master Proctor” Susannah smiles sweetly again snags up her bundle and makes for the door. She makes sure to sway her hips just a little as she walks past him. I hear her stomp none too quietly up the stairs.

“Goodnight John” I whisper, he turns in his chair, his blue eyes wide and full of longing.  
“Goodnight Esther” Then he mouths “I love you” and flashes me a glorious smile.  
My heart is light as I walk up the stairs.  
John sits for a while, then sets carving aside and banks the fire making it safe. He must go to bed, he must, but he can’t move not yet. He rubs his hand back and forth across his mouth, then presses the heels of his hands hard against his eyes until the blackness fades and the shimmering lights dance behind the lids.  
“Oh God, we are lost in our own Hell” The words come out as a low groan, his tears fall unbidden and his shoulders heave and shake as he weeps in silence.


	6. John and Esther Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Division in the household and the bitch is well and truly back

All lights and candles are extinguished now and John makes his way upstairs, there is no need for a lantern he knows every step.  
At the top he hesitates and with his eyes accustomed to the darkness, stares towards the other end of the passage to the door of Esther and Susannah’s room. With a great sigh he pushes open the door to his own bedchamber.  
Elizabeth is awake now, and she hitches up on the pillows.  
“Is all well Husband?”  
“All’s well Elizabeth, and Susannah is back with us early, she was no longer needed by her Mother so John Willard brought her over.”  
“A blessed relief John, no work time will be lost now, there’s a deal to do before the weather sets in”  
“Aye, she’ll work with me tomorrow and Esther can get on with the chores you set her, so if you feel unwell there’s no need for you to rise, you need the rest.”   
Unlike most men, John never wore a night shirt. Stripped now he slides into bed, pulls the covers up to his shoulders and lays on his back, one arm crooked above his head. Elizabeth reaches out her hand and lays it on his stomach. The muscles beneath her fingers as hard now as they ever were and she sighs as she slides her hand down and further down.  
John curls his fingers around Elizabeth’s wrist to stop her, then rolls onto his side putting his back to her. He releases his grip and as she slides her hand away from him she balls it up into a fist.

“Esther don’t you think Master Proctor to be a fine looking man?” Susannah’s question took me by surprise and I set my face into a mask  
Before I can answer she stands in front of me then turns so I can unlace her dress. She wriggles out of it and drops it on the chair without bothering to fold it. I shake my head and she sniggers at me.   
“The kine won’t care whether it’s creased or not” Clad only in her shift now she twirls around with her arms stretched sideways. “You didn’t answer me about Master Proctor Esther”  
I steady my breathing, shrug and try to keep my voice even. “I suppose there are those who would think he is handsome”   
“You suppose, well let me tell you Esther Putnam, there’s no finer looking man in this town or for many miles beyond”   
She slides her hands slowly down her sides from her full breasts to her wide hips and tilts her head back a little shaking out her dull brown hair, it looks like ratty old tow.  
“Oh Esther I reckon I could make him beg and I’ll wager he’s hung like that stallion of his.”   
She leers at me licking her lips. I want to yank her across the room by her hair and slap that stupid cow like face so hard that it makes her ears ring and her teeth rattle.  
“What are you looking so prim mouthed about Esther, I mean it’s not as if you haven’t noticed him”  
“Oh God what did she know, what has she seen?”

My stomach clenches she walks over to me, sidles behind me to loosen my laces and then whispers in my ear.  
“Is there something you’re not telling me Esther Putnam?” “I saw the wet patches on the front of your dress and the Master half naked and still damp from washing.” Her voice grows breathy as she remembers the sight of him, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Did he grab you Esther, did he kiss you, put his hands on you, did he?” Her breath is hot against my ear. I want to scream, and the need to slap her rises in me again but I stay calm. I will be strong, I will not let her goad me.  
“Susannah you have a rare imagination, but for goodness sake take your mind out of the midden” I try to laugh but it catches in my throat. “We’d better be getting to sleep, we both need to be up early then we can fix breakfast between us”  
“Oh, I might just come down when it’s ready” she drawled then blew out her candle and settled into her bed. “Good night Esther, sweet dreams, I know mine will be”   
I lay for a while before nipping out the flame on my own candle. But sleep was hard won and hard come by. I could not settle for fear I would give myself away to Susannah. I fretted and turned and twisted as I listened to her gentle or sometimes not so gentle snoring and finally I drifted into sleep.

A single thump against the door startles me, I sit bolt upright so quickly that it makes me feel sick. Susannah stirs and groans.  
Another thump “Susannah, Susannah” John is bellowing from the passage way. “You should have been down a half hour ago, get your sorry arse out of bed girl or so help me I’ll drag you out of it myself.”  
Susannah is awake now, and fumbling in the dark for her dress. “I’ll be there directly Master Proctor”   
Still in my shift I pick up my candle stick and scuttle to the door, pulling it open just enough to peer round. Thank goodness John has a lantern with him.  
“Would you light this please Master Proctor? I thrust the candlestick towards him. He lights it without a word and as it flares into life I see his face is like thunder and I shudder.  
“Thank you” I shut the door on him and pad over to Susannah’s bed to light her candle. She rolls up her hose and wriggles her feet into her boots as I slip into my dress. We lace each other up and she covers her hair. Apron on, short coat buttoned and she’s ready.  
“Go, Go, before Master Proctor does what he’s threatened, I’ll bring you some breakfast over to the milking parlour”  
I have no idea why I’m being so nice to her, but I don’t want her on the receiving end of John’s temper, not if the look on his face was a match to his anger.  
As I make my way along the passage I bob into Samuels’s room and I smile, he’s slept right through John’s roaring.  
“Samuel, wake up child you need to be getting dressed,” he yawned, stretched and rolled over. “Come on child up you get,” I pull the covers off him and he whines but I don’t leave until he’s out of bed and on his feet. 

Downstairs I gather bread and meat and hobble across to John and Susannah as fast as I can.  
It’s bitterly cold, the weather has changed again and there’s been a hard frost. I’m glad to step into the warmth of the milking parlour but the sight and sound that greets me sickens me.   
Half way down the run of stalls, Susannah stands so close to John that they are toe to toe. She has her left hand pressed against his chest, her face tilted up to him.   
“I’m so sorry Master Procter, I had not meant to sleep late but Esther promised she would wake me and she didn’t” her voice is soft, childlike and she smiles up at him.  
Oh you liar, Susannah Parris  
“It’s your business to make sure you rise early enough Girl, now get you to your work.”   
John does not touch her, not even to push her away but he steps back and his look of disgust and loathing is thinly disguised. He looks over Susannah’s head at me, she notices and turns to me with such look of gloating triumph that I feel like she’s hit me in the stomach.  
“Am I forgiven Master?” she wheedles but gets no answer.

At last I find my voice “I know you’ve not had breakfast, this should put you on until dinner” I set the food on the window ledge turn and leave as fast as I can. I can’t bear to be in there any longer  
“Thank you Esther” Johns voice low and calm, floats after me.  
I can’t run but I scurry across the yard as fast as my leg will let me. Tears sting my eyes and I am so angry I can scarcely breathe. My Mamma God Rest her, taught me you should never hate, it’s something too powerful. But right now I hate Susannah Parris, I hate the bitch with every single bone in my body.  
The morning goes by in a haze. Samuel has headed to school, the Mistress is still abed although she does look better, Abigail is with me following me like my little shadow, prattling and giggling as I go about my chores. I loose myself in my work, checking the drying herbs for mildew, making sure the salted and dried meats have no taint and that there’s no weevil in the flour. We still have much to do before the winter sets in and the next few weeks will see us busy indeed.  
I hear John and Susannah return.

“Time for dinner Abigail” I lift her from her perch on the table top and she wraps her arms around my neck.  
“Papa” she squeals stretching her arms out to him “I’ve been helping Esther”   
Oh that smile he gives as I pass her across, a smile not meant just for her. It’s like a balm to my heart. He hitches her on his hip and she leans against him smiling as she tries to tickle his chin through his beard. John tries not to laugh.  
“Has she been good Esther?”   
“Yes Master, she’s never a bother”  
“And Samuel?”  
“Oh, he went off to school just fine, the Mistress has taken some breakfast and says she will come down for supper, she wants to divide the daily chores between Susannah and me. While you eat I’ll go check if she needs anything else.”  
Susannah is already seated at table and she flashes me a smug grin as I lay out the dishes and food.  
“What are you about Susannah, get up Girl and help Esther” John’s voice is sharp but level  
“But Master Procter, I’ve been in the household so much longer than she has, surely I am allowed to....”  
She doesn’t get to finish, John slams his free hand down on the table with such force, that the platters jump and the cider jug rocks.  
“Understand me Girl, you have no authority over Esther, she answers only to me or the Mistress as do you.  
Susannah blanches, swallows hard and glares at me with a look of such resentment and hostility that I know for sure the lines have been drawn.   
I doubt whether John and I shall win the battle, let alone the war.


	7. John and Esther Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat fight and love will out while the cat's away.

It is Saturday so today we must make sure all is clean and tidy, all chores finished and enough food prepared to keep us all fed over two days, for tomorrow is the Sabbath. There is no work done on that day not even the cooking of food, it is a day of Church, Sermons, Bible reading and boredom.  
Master Proctor has driven into Salem town to buy dry goods and though she’s unwell he has taken Susannah with him to by small goods for Elizabeth. Mistress Proctor insisted, for she would rather discomfort Susannah than have me accompany John. All last night Susannah kept herself and me awake with her hacking cough and in truth she does look sickly, with pale skin and a high colour on her cheeks. They will not be back until Super 

Elizabeth has been out of her sick bed for almost a month now and is blooming. There is more flesh on her bones, colour in her cheeks and her eyes are bright. The child is showing and I often catch her resting her hands on her belly. There’ll be a new life come **March a new life for the New Year**   
I sit by the window with my sewing, Samuel needs new shirts and Abigail new dresses but I am keeping out of Elizabeth’s way, for we’re in disgrace Susannah me.  
It came about yesterday. John had waited for a cold dry day to slaughter the Hogs. The Mistress could not help and Susannah turned green thinking on it. The Abbott boys came over to help and I made up the extra pair of hands. So with the Mistresses permission I unlaced the sleeves from my dress to stop them from getting soiled and hitched my skirts to keep the out of the mire. It was hard, dirty work but Papa had been a butcher and taught me as he taught my brothers, much to mama’s vexation. Susannah brought out the dinner at Midday we sat on the house steps to eat with the boys as John went across to the tool store to sharpen some of the knives. But he was gone an age.  
Susannah scowled as I picked up the platter and headed to the store, he was at the far end seated the grindstone. I took the food down to him and the slow smile he beamed at me almost melted my bones.

He set the platter on the bench then twisted on the stool reaching out his hands to stroke his fingers up and down my arms. I lost myself in the stare from those blue eyes. “I hoped you would come Esther” his voice was low and soft. Leaning into him I searched out his mouth, opening mine wide as his tongue teased and worried at my own and he slid his arms around my waist.   
“I cannot stay John,” I whispered against his lips, “They will notice if am away too long”   
“Go then, I’ll not be far behind”   
I looked into his eyes and I knew he was mine.

I was no more than a dozen steps from the store when Susannah launched herself at me, She swung her arm back then let it rip, slapping me open handed and hard across my face.   
“You little bitch she hissed, you just watch yourself Girl.”   
Had she spied on us, seen us?   
But I’m stronger than I look and can fight dirty if I have to. I shoved her back so hard that she landed on her arse in the dirt. I dropped down, straddled her and knelt on her arms pinning them to the ground then grabbed a handful of her hair in my left hand and fetched her a vicious blow across her cheek with my right. She screamed, hollered and flailed her legs but she could not move me.   
“Touch me again Susannah Parris and you’ll need more than the Mistress Proctors remedies to mend you, they’ll need to send for Master Gedney to put you back together. Now. You. Leave. Me. Be.” With each word I yanked at her hair with both hands and bounced her head on the ground.

At the sound of the ruckus John came running from the store. We must have been quite a sight, hair flying and bare legs flashing. He yanked us both up by an arm and without ceremony half dragged half marched us past the grinning boys and flung us into the house  
“Deal with these girls Woman, teach them some manners, I’ll not have them cat fighting in my yard like a pair of tavern whores” I caught sight of his face he was truly angry, but there was something else. I was sure he was glad I had bested Susannah. With that he left us to Elizabeth’s mercy, her tongue lashing was fierce and ended with the promise of a whipping if it ever happened again. 

I rest my fingers now and gaze out at the grey clouds covering and uncovering the sun and the dry leaves whirling and skittering past window. Abigail is on her blanket beside me and Thomas is at the table practicing his letters.   
“Stop daydreaming girl, show me what you’ve done”  
I jump at the sound of the Mistress’ waspish voice and hand her the basket. She finds fault with each piece, stitches too large, hems not straight, seams crooked. “Do them again Girl, I want it all finished before Sunday” she drops them back into the basket. This is her way of punishing me.  
It’s almost supper time when I hear the waggon draw up but I am sure I hear another seconds later. Peace is shattered, the door bangs open and John strides in followed by Pastor Burroughs trotting behind. 

“Elizabeth, Goody Nurse is asking for you Pastor Burroughs will take you to her”  
The Pastor simpers and sets a sanctimonious look on his face.  
“She’s struck with the Winter Sickness Mistress Proctor and asks for your help, if you go you’ll likely be there till morning”  
“John?” Elizabeth turns to her husband.  
“She’s a good friend Elizabeth,”  
“Aye she is and it’s little enough to repay all she has done for us” She scurries to the still room and returns with a basket of her cures. As she scurries out to the Pastor’s small waggon, she snatches up her shawl and instructs me on my duties to the family and Susannah.  
Susannah truly looks unwell, so I help her up to her bed. “I’ll bring you what you need presently settle yourself down.”   
When I return to the parlour I am surprised to find that the supper is on the table and John and the children are already seated.  
I sit close but not too close to John, even so he is near enough to drop his hand to my thigh, it makes my breath hitch in my throat. This is the only affection he has been able to show me for days.  
“We shall eat first Esther, I will wash once the children are abed” 

With supper done, the table cleared and scrubbed and the children fed and put to bed, I go up to my room taking the remedies for Susannah and a jug of hot water so I can wash. In the week we make do with “cat licks” but we strip wash ready for Sunday, cleanliness and Godliness go hand in hand they say. I leave Susannah what she needs, as I make to leave she asks me.  
“Why do you care Esther?”  
“I don’t,” I snap back at her “But I’d rather have a good night’s sleep than not”   
Barefoot and hair loose I go back down to return the jug and finish my sewing. The door to the parlour is “pushed to.” I expected that John would either have gone up to bed or would be in his chair by the fire, but when I open the door what I see makes me stand stock still. John is naked, with his back to me and he stands in the tub ankle deep in water. I feel as if my breath is burning in my chest and I watch as he pours water over his head, as it flows down over the muscles of his shoulders and back the fire light turns his damp skin to gold. He has the strong, firm, long limbed body of a much younger man and he is beautiful. He looks at me from over his shoulder, his eyes are heavy lidded, dark and full of desire. John Proctor has cast a cord around my heart and tied it with a lover’s knot and now he holds out his hand to me and reels me in.  
I lace my fingers in his and as I let my gaze travel over him my face burns With a gasp I snag my bottom lip between my teeth, there may be something in what Susannah said about the stallion. John pulls me towards him and I step into the tub sliding my arms around his waist, he cups his hands around my head and brings me into a fierce and needy kiss “Esther you are beautiful” he whispers.

Without thought I turn my back to him and lift my hair to the side and as he works at the laces of my dress he drops soft kisses to my neck, sighing and humming against my skin. I step out of the tub and in one swift move he steps after me scoops me in his arms and dripping and naked makes to carry me towards the stairs. I realise what he is about.  
“John we cannot, I will not lie with you in Elizabeth’s bed I will not”   
My words are harsh and stop him dead.   
“Esther it is my bed also” he growls at me “I will not pin you up against a wall and fuck you like” he hesitates.  
I say it for him “Like a whore, there are those who will soon no doubt call me that and worse, now set me down, your bed or no I will not lie there”   
But he will not give ground, holds me tight against him to climb the stairs and nudges the door open with his hip; he only sets me down once inside the bedchamber. His eyes skewer me, but his kiss is tender and soft, and he holds me with such gentleness as he strokes my skin with such a light touch.  
“Esther I swear you’re purring girl” there is a laugh in his voice.

I can feel him hard and hot as I press myself against him and slide my hands up his back then round to his chest. Smiling I remember back to when I caught his nipple and I drag my nails down raking hard over them. His head jerks back “Sweet Christ” he hisses as I run my nails down to his belly. I feel myself grow wetter I and I whimper and moan against his mouth.   
“Feel what you do to me girl” he lays my hand along the length of his cock, I curl my fingers around him he is thick, hard and at my touch he nuzzles his face against my neck moans my name and ruts against me.   
“I want you Esther,” his voice is velvet soft. John takes a step back from me and clasps my hands in his, as we lock our gaze we know this is the line, we know that if we cross it we cannot go back and will surely be damned.  
I kiss him gently, barely brushing his lips with mine. It’s the permission John is waiting for and he slides his hands slowly across my shoulders to slip the dress from me, but his fingers fumble with the ties on my shift, he snaps them apart then gathering the fabric in his fists rips the cloth down from neck to belly. We are skin to skin and mouth to mouth now, his kiss is so hard I am sure my lips will be bruised for days and a deep feral growl rumbles from chest as he picks me up. As I wrap my legs and arms tight around him he slams me against the wall with a force that knocks the breath from me, the rough plaster rasps and digs against my back. But the kisses he plants on my skin are tender as his mouth roves from lips, to jaw, to neck then down to my breasts where he begins to suck and bite, teasing the dugs raking his teeth over them until I can barely stand it. I shudder and moan, I am wet for him  
Oh God such sweet pain”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **At this time the Julian calendar was still in use and New Year’s Day was on March 25th Also known as Lady Day. The Gregorian calendar which was introduced in 1582 was not adopted by Most of the United States, Most of Canada and the United Kingdom and her colonies until 1752 and 11 days were removed**


	8. John and Esther Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love will always find a way, John finds real love.

John unhitches my legs from around his waist and holds me tightly to him as I set my feet on the floor. He caresses my cheek, brushes his thumb across my lips and slides his other hand slowly down and down letting it rest between my thighs, my cunny is soaking.   
“Is this for me my sweet bird?” he purrs. I can only nod as he licks at his fingers then kisses me. I taste myself on his mouth and he bites my lip so fiercely I swear I can taste blood. As John drops slowly to his knees he places soft warm kisses down the length of my body. I press my back against the wall and drop my hands to his shoulders pushing him to where I want him to be. I hear him take in his breath as he takes in the scent of me. Then hitches my leg up to rest my thigh on his shoulder before he begins to rasp harsh kisses and nips along my skin from hip to thigh on one side then the other. He never quite reaches the spot I want him to reach. His beard scrapes and scratches against the soft skin, it is a torture I can hardly bear. 

He latches his mouth onto me, lapping, sucking, teeth scraping at my nub “Oh my sweet Love, I could drown in you” I drag my nails savagely against his scalp, dig my fingers hard into his shoulders. He moves his tongue harder and faster holding me firm at the hips. I hear wild, savage sounds fill the air, I realise they’re coming from me. When he moves his mouth from between my legs I whine his name for the loss of him.  
But he stands before me now “Do you want more Esther?” he breathes the words into my mouth, his lips are still slick from me, they taste of me. My only answer is a groan and I tip my head back as he dips his hand between my thighs pushing and thrusting long strong fingers in and out of me with such a sweet rhythm as he rubs me with his thumb. He nips at my ear, kisses my neck and throat in those sweet, sweet places. I search for his mouth, bite at his lips, work at his tongue, my back arches, my hips snap and I grind against his hand I am almost sobbing.

“Come for me Esther” his voice is husky with lust, it vibrates through me as he breathes the words against my mouth. My thighs tremble uncontrollably, there is a tightening in my stomach, I clench around his fingers “More Esther, Give more” John’s voice is almost dangerously soft, “When you think you are spent, I will fuck you so hard that you will scream my name loud enough to shame the Devil in Hell and deafen the Angels in Heaven.” I come so hard that I feel I might burn and a low keening wail rises within me. I can hardly speak, can barely breathe, my legs begin to buckle and John holds me tightly, else I would drop to the floor and all the while he presses soft kisses against my lips and whispers sweet nonsense to soothe me.  
“Look at me Esther, do you want this?” His voice is so deep, his eyes so dark now, only smallest ring of blue shows  
“Yes John I want you, I love you”   
My voice is breathy, barely a whisper, I raise my hand to stroke his cheek and he presses his lips against the palm then flings back the bed covers to lay me down among the pillows. As he leans his long body over me he kisses me so sweetly, so softly clipping my lips flicking his tongue against them. Then I feel his mouth settle beneath my left breast and there is that sweet pain as he works at the skin to leave his mark. 

“You are mine my sweet love” He rests his forearms either side of my head to take his weight then and lowers is face to mine.   
“I will not hurt you Esther, I swear I will not hurt you my love, but you must say” I see truth of it in his eyes.  
Gently so gently I feel him push the tip of his cock against me.  
“So tight” I hear him groan and he pushes again little by little with such mindfulness but even so I hitch in my breath gasping at the pain and I see the concern on his face.  
“Esther?” he gazes straight into my eyes and there is such tenderness in his own, he pulls away.   
“I will not be the cause of your pain”   
I slip my arms around his neck, pull his head down to me “I will not shatter John, I am not made of glass”   
I wrap my legs around his hips and he begins again with soothing words and gentleness, until finally he is there, deep and strong, stretching me, filling me.  
“D’you Feel me Esther, hard for you, filling your sweet cunny as I feel your heat around me?”   
Slowly, slowly he moves and I begin to move with him, he looks to me for signs and matches his needs to mine.   
His eyes blow wide, they are almost black. He is holding himself in check.  
“John I have told you I will not break” I gasp

With a snarl he thrusts deep, hard and with such force and energy. He slams into me again and again hitting that sweet place as his hips snap against me. John spreads his knees wide between my legs and I drape my thighs over his and moves his hands to my hips, his fingers dig into my flesh as he pulls me tighter against him. With each thrust he lets out a ragged breath as he pounds into me again and again to seek his own release. I thrash and buck beneath him wanting more as I grasp at his arms, rake my nails down his chest, claw at his shoulders with no thought of the marks I may leave. The force of his thrusts pushes the air from my lungs  
I cannot count how many times he bucks his hips powerfully against me until finally he spends himself shuddering and shaking, his head thrown back and calling my name loud where it mingles in the air with his own name as I scream it loud and indeed Shame the Devil. Our breathing settles and John starts to pull away.  
“No, No don’t go, just stay in me”  
He covers my face with soft kisses, brushing his lips against my skin and stays where he is. We don’t speak, we have no need. Finally he slides away to lay on his back and pulls me tight against him. I lay my head on his chest and drift to sleep as I listen to his heart beat. I don’t know whether Susannah heard us but in truth I can’t bring myself to care.   
John feels his heart will burst for love, even though he be damned for it. Esther has him heart, body and Soul, he loves her as he loves life.  
When I wake John has me held close to him, his chest hard against my back and I feel the comforting weight of his arm laid across my waist and his thigh across my hip. It is as if he is shielding me from all the ills in world.

I turn onto my back and find myself staring into those smiling, beautiful eyes. He does not move his thigh and it rests across my belly but he lifts his hand to my face, and gently twists his fingers in the strands of my hair.  
“I love you Esther Putnam, you are my soul”  
I nestle into him and tuck my head under his chin “I love you John Proctor, you are my life”  
We do not speak of what may beset us, but lie quietly for a few moments more.  
“I must go John, I need to clear away downstairs”  
“No Esther I will see to it” He kisses my forehead. “You go to your bed”  
I clamber over him and as I straddle his hips lean forward to kiss him. He wraps his arms around me and moans as he feels my nipples brush his chest. We are so at ease with each other now.

“You will kill me girl, now go or else it will be dawn before you leave this bed.” He purrs against my ear and nips it.  
I smile and whisper against his mouth, “You brag old man.” but he does not and I grow wide eyed as I feel him harden beneath me, he laughs up at me and then turns solemn.  
“You must go Esther”   
I nod and slide over him and out of the bed dressing quickly against the cold.  
I shall have to repair my shift and it needs must be done secretly as I have no explanation I can offer Mistress Proctor.   
John laces my dress very loosely then slides his arms around me holding me fast with my back against his chest. I tilt my head back for one last kiss then slip quietly from the room.  
Susannah is awake and I have barely shut the door when coughing and wheezing she denounces me.

“You are a whore Esther Putnam, a whore. Even had I not heard you screeching like a queen cat, I would know you to have laid with John proctor, I can smell him on you, I can smell his sweat, his seed, and you reek of him you whore.”  
“Then what does that make you Susannah Putnam?” I spit at her “For surely it takes a whore to know a whore” and I climb into my bed and remember the feel of John’s arms around me.  
Morning cannot come soon enough Susannah barely slept and neither did I. There will be Church after breakfast, though Susannah will be excused after another restless night. I dress in a clean shift, hose and my best dress.  
We are careful around the children John and me, He is Master Proctor again but it is so hard not to offer shy smiles or secretly touch fingers.  
Before we leave I take Susannah more medicine and some food, she is grateful for the medicine I think but that is all.  
“Do not leave me that slop Esther, I will never eat anything prepared by the hands of a whore”   
“Then starve Susannah, I care not” I leave the food anyway and slam the door behind me.  
It is a bright cold day, we walk to church I am glad of the fresh air and Mistress Proctor is already there to meet us.

“I did not expect you here Elizabeth, I had thought you would be with Goody Nurse” John greets her with quiet civility.  
The Mistress looks from John to me and back again.  
“She is a little better, so I will return home with you after Church, though I have given the Pastor my promise that I will go back should there be need”  
“Is all well at home Esther?”  
My mind is in another place, and I wonder if Elizabeth knows about John and me. Will the congregation know my sin as I walk into Church? Will the words Adulteress and Whore suddenly appear on my back in flaming letters as if God has written them there?  
“Esther I am speaking to you”  
“Forgive me Mistress I did not sleep well, Susannah did not have an easy night”  
We have no time to talk more and we file into Church, men on one side women on the other. As I enter I do not burn, or scream in agony or drop to the floor and so have to endure Pastor Burroughs as he rattles on with his tales of Hell and Damnation


	9. John and Esther Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fat not to mention the bedclothes hit the fire. Painful truths are disclosed.

Elizabeth walks beside John on the way home, I follow behind with Samuel and Abigail but can scarce take my eyes from him. Once back in the house the Mistress scans the room with sharp eyes but she seems content, all is tidy and clean the fire is banked and water has been put beside it to heat slowly, the table is ready set for our dinner.   
“You may set out the food Esther, I will not be long” and she disappears up the stairs. But she is gone an age, John and the children are already seated at the table when she returns.  
Her face is grim, ashen and her eyes are hard. In her arms she holds every piece of bed linen that she has stripped from their bed and torn into pieces.  
“Esther burn these” She crosses over to me and places them in my arms  
I look from her to John and back again.  
“I said burn them girl” I have never heard such quiet, dangerous, anger in her voice.  
“Yes Mistress” My own voice catches in my throat and my hands shake as I began to place one piece at a time onto the fire. Elizabeth stays close by and watches me with a calm dignity, her hands folded atop her belly

“Elizabeth?” John’s voice is questioning, low and it trembles a little.  
“You know why Husband” They glare at one another across the table and for a time neither will lower their gaze but Elizabeth yields first, she cannot endure Johns stare. In it she sees the loss of her small world and it frightens her.  
“Mama is burning those?” Samuel asks   
“Because they are so soiled child, they will never wash clean again”   
Elizabeth stands quietly by, John stares at nothing, no one speaks again until the linen is reduced to ashes in the grate and the room is filed with the stink of burning linen and wool.

“Serve the dinner Esther, you may eat yours alone in the still room, I have no wish to see you at my table. Then you will pack your bundle and leave this house, there will be no severance, no reference and no goodwill. You must find such charity as you can well away from here.  
I could neither move nor speak I feel bile rising in me and the room spins but I will not fall to the floor. I am not ashamed to love John Proctor.  
I hear John rise to his feet and when I look at him he seems to take up more space and his voice though low, rumbles like thunder around the room. 

“Elizabeth No, I will not allow it! He slams both hands down on the table and I flinch at the sound of it, but the Mistress holds steady, her eyes wide and glinting.   
“Husband, matters of the household lie with me, I have that authority” Her voice is still calm, almost reasonable, she speaks as if she is saddened rather than angered.  
But John will not have it, he will not give ground.  
“You forget, Elizabeth, that I am Master over all and you bend to my will in all matters”  
He looks across at me with compassion and love in his eyes.  
“Esther take the children out side” his voice is softer now.  
“No I will not have that woman, near my children John”  
“My children also Elizabeth, Esther go.”

I could weep, it seems he is staying true to his promise and I bundle Samuel and Abagail outside, we hole up in the tool store out of the biting wind.   
The calm disappears once we leave and Elizabeth turns on John.  
“You are a foolish, foolish man John Proctor and with a girl half your age. But why take her to my bed John, to our bed. A barn would have been the place for that tramp. Did you think I would not know John, how could I not? I have suffered the humiliation and shame of seeing you look at her in a way I have never seen you look at me. I am your wife, I have borne your children, kept your house, provided for your needs do you not hold me in regard, do you have no respect for me?” Her voice has risen to a screech and tears are forming in her eyes.  
“That Whore will not stay in this house, I will not allow it, and I will not have my home defiled by her”   
John walks round the table and stands to face her.

“Respect and regard Woman, yes I you have that, though what are they without any love? I have never loved you and you have always known it, don’t think to make me feel guilty on that score, we cannot choose who we love.”  
“You have cut me deep John Proctor you have slighted and insulted me before God and God will judge you not I.”  
John gives a mirthless, tight laugh and leans down pressing his face so close to Elizabeth’s that their foreheads touch, but she stands her ground against his fire.  
“What of you Elizabeth, will he judge you?”   
“Judge me Husband, of course the Lord will judge me, as he judges us all”  
“Will he judge you Elizabeth for the lie you peddled me 15 years ago, will he punish you for the way you and your family conspired so that I should marry you and save you from disgrace?” His voice is harsh and grating, it grows fiercer and specks of spittle fly from his mouth, his eyes flash fire as he rages and storms around the room. “Did you think me so much a fool Elizabeth that I would not know the first child you bore in this house was not mine, that I did not know your Father connived to have you marry me, why was that?” “I will tell you why Woman. It was so you might marry an honest man, a man with some standing, a man with land and prospects, not that wastrel, gallows bait that got you with child and who would have left you to be branded whore as you would brand Esther. You would leave Esther Putnam to her fate, though I saved you from yours   
“John you were courting me why would he not expect us to wed, I was a stupid girl”

John cut her short, “You were stupid to lie with him, but less so in choosing me as a husband, Cuckolding me before we were even Wed. Oh we bundled and we bedded wife but we both know the boy is not mine, he was a large child for one born so much before his time” I did not spill my seed in you until the week before we wed.   
Their voices echo around the parlour. Susannah has heard them and has hauled herself from her bed. Wrapped in her coverlet she sits on the top stair listening to them rail at each other. “Oh I have done for you now Esther Putnam, I have done for you in my telling the Mistress” She hisses under her breath and there is a sly smile on her face, as she holds on to the thought that she might bend John Proctor to her will and have him for herself.  
But John calms his voice and so Susannah slides on her arse step by step to the bottom of the stairs. Stifling her cough so as not to be heard she listens at the door.  
Elizabeth Proctor lurches towards the bench and slumps down, her whole body trembles and she seems to fold into herself as tears run down her cheeks. In spite of the fire blazing on the hearth she shakes with cold and buries her face in her hands as racking sobs escape her.  
John crouches down and draws her hands away from her face, her eyes are red and swollen, and her cheeks blotched.

“Have compassion Woman, if you have none for me then at least show some to Esther, the way I did to you.”  
Elizabeth is broken, she cannot fight this, her soul is laid bare and after all these years of silence John has called her to account for her deceit.   
“Wife whatever we have done, we have done and we must make the best on it, Esther will stay for understand that whatever happens I will never abandon her”  
Elizabeth cannot win, she knows that John will not give on this and watches him go out into the yard to call Esther and the children back to the house.  
Susannah feels a rage burning through her and whispers to herself  
“How can you allow this Elizabeth, how can you let that bitch stay?   
She does not think on Elizabeth’s own dishonesty, she finds no fault in her Mistress. The only fault she sees is in Esther who conspires to keep John from her.   
“I will have your hide Esther Putnam, I will bide my time but I will have your hide” she hauls herself back to her bed to stew in self-pity.

I hear John come into the store and my heart lurches. I am reconciled and ready to take my leave of him.   
“Samuel take Abigail back to the house, run now your Mama is waiting” Samuel grabs his sisters hand and races back leaving me alone with John.  
I will not beg, I will have no regrets when I leave, but as John comes closer I catch the smile on his face, the spark in those blue eyes and my legs begin to buckle. He lunges forward and catches me and as I fall against him weeping he wraps his strong arms around me and rests his cheek against the top of my head.  
I gaze up at him and see there are tears threatening to fall, but his smile is bright and wide and he presses his mouth softly against mine.  
“You did not abandon me” I sob “You held to your promise”  
His voice is raw as he speaks “I love you Esther, know always you are my life, my heart and my soul”


	10. John and Esther Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esther remains in the household and Susannah is loosing her grip on reality.

“Walk back to the house with me Esther” John cups my face in his hands and presses his lips to my forehead.

“No John you go I will follow on, I am not your wife and must be mindful of my place, no matter what has been agreed, I am still a servant.”  
I see a flash of temper cut across his face.

“Anger is of no use John, it will serve no purpose, now go and I will not be far behind.”  
He trails his fingers down my cheek and catching my chin between finger and thumb tilts my face up for another soft, clipping, kiss.  
“Don’t be long my sweet bird”  
I watch him as walks across the yard, broad shoulders, and long legs. Smiling I remember how beautiful he looked in the firelight, how his skin felt against mine. I grow warm and wonder will I ever lie with him again? I do not know, but I have the memory of that one night and that memory will never fade.

Elizabeth still has that pale look about her and barely glances at me as I enter the house. The food has been served out and she hands me a platter, I make for the still room.  
“No Esther, that is for Susannah” the Mistresses voice is flat “Go take it up to her girl, then you may take your place at table when you come down.  
I am shocked not only at what she says but at her calmness. I am not to be set apart and that can only be Johns doing but I daren’t look at him and without a word I go up to Susannah.

“Dinner for you Susannah” She sits cross legged atop her bed arms fold across her breasts, rocking backwards and forwards, humming a tune to herself, her hair is wild and she looks a little strange, it’s as if she’s in another place.  
“It’s a wonder you’re still here Esther Putnam” she drawls, “I had a mind to make sure you’d be gone this day” she sets a lopsided grin on her face then giggles.

I hand her the platter.  
“Well it has not happened Susannah, so your plan has fallen flat and I am still in the household”  
“The Mistress is a foolish woman” She spits  
I do not answer but spin on my heel and walk away. As I reach the door I sense movement behind me and shift quickly to the side. The wooden platter flashes past my left ear, smashes into the wall gouging a hole then bounces down spattering food onto the wall, the floor and my dress.  
“I have told you, Whore, I will not take anything from your hands”

My voice is calm as I turn to her.  
“Then as long as you’re up here you are like to go hungry, for the Mistress will not spend time running after you”  
“You will not have him for long Esther Putnam, be sure on that; he loves me and only me, you are nothing to him” she giggles again.  
Susannah is beginning to frighten me, there is something about her that unnerves me. Without a word I go, leaving the platter and the mess for her to deal with, or not, as as wishes.  
Now I truly know that my real enemy is Susannah. It is not until I am downstairs that I realise I am shaking.

“Esther, your dress” Mistress Proctor looks me up and down  
“Susannah did not wish to eat her dinner Mistress, she threw the platter at me.”  
She arches her eyebrow at me.  
“Has it been cleared?”  
“No Mistress”  
“Then when you have eaten you will go and help clean it up”  
“But Mistress Proctor, it was Susannah threw it at me”  
“Do not think to square up to me Esther Putnam, you will do as I bid”

I bow my head and sit to eat; so there it is, Elizabeth on one side and Susannah on the other, both wishing me ill will in their own way.

When I get up to our room I hear a low moaning as I open the door. Susannah is lying on her back on top of her bed with her shift hitched high above her hips. Her hand is between her thighs and she is working her fingers on herself. As her white legs twitch and tremble she slides her other hand up to her breast kneading and squeezing as she moans out Johns name again and again.  
My dinner roils in my belly and I feel it begin to rise into my throat. I want to spew and clamping my hand hard over my mouth I flee from the room to stand in the passageway heaving and and choking. I have no idea how long I’m there, but when her moaning stops I slowly open the door. 

Susannah paces back and forth across the room, her lips move but I can’t hear what she says. As she crosses towards me there is a poisonous smile on her face, her hair is bedraggled and dirty looking and she looks frowzy and slovenly. “John sent you here to help me, I knew he would for he is kind to me now clean up that mess Esther” her voice is soft but there is something in it I cannot like.  
“He did no such thing Susannah, you’re fevered and talking nonsense, now either help me or get back into bed”  
We are nose to nose, her breath is rank and I baulk at the stench, her eyes glitter but is it with fever or with something else, I have no idea.

“Esther Putnam, you are nothing to John Proctor. He fucked you like the slut you are but he does not love you, he tells me so all the time”  
I ignore her and set to cleaning the mess, Susannah comes and squats beside me she stinks to high heaven.  
“Do you not see how he looks at me Esther, how his gaze rakes over my body?” I swallow hard, fighting the itch to slap her. “For my sake he must act as if he despises me, but he does not.” She flounces back to her bed and sits cross legged, muttering and swaying as she watches me finish the cleaning.  
I strip off my best dress so that I can take it downstairs to clean it and as I slip on my workaday clothes, I hear crying behind me. 

Susannah has tears streaming down her face, “You are so pretty Esther” she simpers, “Please don’t take him, he loves me I know he does” I feel my eyes grow wide, “He leaves me signs, see how he’s moved the chair so that I know he’s been here while I slept and my boots, he’s moved my boots to the end of my bed  
Susannah always leaves her boots at the end of her bed and the chair is exactly where it has always been, I move over to sit on it. I loathe Susannah but she is not in her right mind. “Get into bed and try to sleep” There is a flush to her cheeks and when I press my hand against her forehead it is hot beneath my fingers. As she settles I lean down over her to pull up the covers, before I know it she has her hands at my throat, pressing her thumbs hard into the flesh. I grasp at her wrists to try and stop her choking me more.

“Leave him alone Esther Putnam, or it will be the worse for you.” She squeezes a little harder then just as suddenly lets me go.  
Gasping and gagging I snatch up the pail of mucky water along with my soiled dress and bolt down into the parlour, coming to a standstill before the table. My body is shaking so hard that the water is rippling and lapping in the pail. I work my mouth but no words come, only the start of tears.  
“Esther Girl what ails you?” There is little kindness in the Mistress voice, but there is some concern.  
I fight to make my words come “It’s Susannah Mistress, I think the fever has affected her mind, she rambles so and when I tried to put her back to bed.” Hesitating I set the pail and dress to the floor then tilt my chin up. Elizabeth takes in her breath, and John is on his feet. The marks Susannah left are already darkening against the pale flesh of my throat.  
“Mistress Proctor she hardly sleeps, maybe if you could give her something to help her rest”

“Deal with this Elizabeth.” John growls.  
“Do not tell me my business Husband I know what I must do, Esther come with me.” As she makes for the still room I look over at John, and there is such a look of care and tenderness on his face.  
“Go.” He mouths at me and I hurry after Elizabeth dress and pail in hands.  
“Tell me what happened girl”

I hesitate, then tell her what I saw but nothing of what was said.

“Valerian root will answer the need, heat me a pot of water Esther”  
Whilst I clean my dress as best I can, Elizabeth steeps the crushed dried root in hot water then strains it into a jug.  
“If this is not enough the next dose needs must be stronger, now you are sure of what you saw Esther, there is nothing else I must know?”  
“Nothing” She knew I was lying the look on her face told me so, but Elizabeth let it be and left to take the draught up to Susannah”

Shaking again, I brace myself against the wooden table top in the still room and finally the tears fall. They are tears of anger and unease. I hear John walk up behind me but I can’t face him. As he slides his arms around me he drops a kiss to the back of my neck and pulls me back against his solid, muscled chest, I tilt my head back onto his shoulder sighing as his beard brushes my skin. Warm lips press against my throat as if he is trying to kiss away the marks left by Susannah, John is my calm in the storm.

“Tell me all Esther” and he turns me around to cradle my face in his hands and brush away the tears with his thumbs.  
We have little time and the words come racing from my mouth. All the while he keeps his hands gently against my cheeks, his eyes locked onto mine and as I speak they turn dark with anger.  
His kiss is deep, fierce and possessive it leaves me breathless. He does not need to swear his innocence to me, I know Susannah is nothing to him.  
“By my life Esther she will not harm you, I will not” I stop his mouth with a kiss of my own then gently push him away.  
“You must go John before Elizabeth returns”


	11. John and Esther Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take love where you can find it, a barn is a good place. A Summer Baby and Susannah sets a goal for herself.

Master John Proctor has set a fire raging in me that cannot easily be doused, for every secret look, stolen kiss or soft touch fans it again to a fierce heat. I have lain with John but once more since that night if lain you could call it. There was no soft mattress, no warm coverlet, no feather pillows, but I remember the smell and soft lowing of the cattle, the scent of hay the heat and sweat of John’s body.

The weather had worsened, all the stock, save for the pigs, had been brought inside. They needed to be fed, watered and mucked out each day, the cows were still to be milked, though they had almost dried off. It seemed at first that Susannah’s health had improved enough for her to take up her chores again, but after 3 days it was clear she was still too weak, so with a quiet resignation Mistress Elizabeth allowed me work with John until Saturday. As I buttoned up my coat I glanced across at Susannah. Oh how she hated the thought that I would be with him and she flashed me an evil glare, then slowly drew her finger across her throat as a warning to me. I shivered and ran from the house.

I entered the barn and stood quietly by as John forked out the hay. He had shed his coat and as he worked I watched the movement of his muscles beneath his shirt. As soon as he saw me he flung the pitchfork aside and was across to me, snatching my head cloth away, loosening my hair about my shoulders so that he could rake his fingers through it. He snaked his arms around my waist and lifted me up off my feet into a soft kiss as I wound my arms around his neck.  
“There is work to be done John Proctor” I laughed at him 

“Aye there is” He kissed me again. “But only with you Esther my sweet girl, only with you” He laughed back at me and the sound of it was balm to my heart. John Proctor the stolid, dour farmer showed me a side to him that I doubted many others, including Elizabeth had ever seen  
Wriggling down his body to set my feet to the floor was a movement which I think pleased him greatly, for I heard him moan softly then he kissed me again with such wild joy it made me dizzy. I gave him back the same just as fierce and hot. Laughing again he drew back from me for a moment and then searched my face before setting his hands to the buttons of my short coat. He had me rid of it in no time. All the while he kissed me with clipping urgent kisses, raking his teeth over my bottom lip, taking my gasping breath into his own mouth as he teased, tugged, stroked and twisted my nipples through the fabric of my dress sending waves of heat through me.

“Esther?” His voice rumbled low and thick with longing. 

I swallowed hard, feeling my stomach churn with nerves then cradling his head between my hands drew his face down towards mine, set my mouth against his ear and quickly before my courage and boldness deserted me I whispered, “Fuck me John” then nipped his ear hard. He hissed in his breath and as I stared straight up at him his eyes popped wide and dark with surprise then pinned me with a fierce, scorching look but his mouth curved into a smile all the same.

“Where is my sweet Esther?” He whispered “For if this is she, then what has come about to turn her from shy girl to shameless doxy? I coiled my arms around his neck and spoke softly “Esther is here and she loves a man by the name of John Proctor, she has loved him since she first laid eyes on him, but since he bedded her she burns for him” John’s mouth was hard on mine almost before I had stopped speaking, his kisses were deep and powerful, tongues snaking around each other, lips raked between teeth. I could feel the wetness between my thighs “I need you John please, I need you now” I whined against his lips “You are a wanton, Esther Putnam, a wanton” he laughed softly. Then his head snapped back and he growled my name as I slid my hands down between us, stroking and teasing his cock as it strained against the cloth of his britches. I reached for his belt buckle, my fingers shaking as I loosened it enough to ease his britches down some and free him. 

John spun me round to face the gable end, grasping my hands he flattened them hard against the the rough wood before he raised my skirts then groaned as he stroked his fingers lightly over the swell of my arse. With his left arm wrapped tightly around my hips to steady me he nudged my legs wider apart with his own. I felt the tip of his cock tease against my opening once, twice.  
“Do you want me Esther?”  
“Yes John now”   
“Louder my sweet love”  
“Now John, Now” I yelled at him.  
Straightway he thrust into me deep and hard but I was so wet for him there was no pain. John held himself still inside me letting me feel him and stretch to him before sliding away then plunging into me again and again each time catching that sweet spot inside me. I mewled as he slid his right hand between my legs parting my folds and tugging, pinching and stroking at my nub, he teased and teased working to send waves of heat and pleasure through me.  
“Together Esther, together” he growled as he thrust harder, faster his hips snapping against me, his fingers working on me until my legs began to shake. I clenched around him and could feel my knees begin to buckle, John held me tighter and as I came hard my head jerked back and I could not help but scream out his name. He matched his pleasure to mine and with a final thrust and a great roar he spent himself in me pulsing fierce and hot.   
We could not move our limbs, our bodies were heavy, our breathing fast and shallow but as I felt my hands sliding down the wall John slid gently from me and raised me up settling my back against his chest and we grew calmer steadier.

“My God Esther, I can’t look at you but that I want you” His voice was raw, breaking.  
“You must know John that we cannot be alone every day, who knows how long it may be before we can be together again.”  
I turn to face him, there are tears forming in my eyes he kisses them away and then stops my mouth with a gentle kiss. I smile and remind him of what he said not so long ago about walls and tavern whores. He looks a little shamefaced, but I press my fingers to my lips, kiss them then press them against his. “It was my wish John do not chide yourself.” For as long as we dare we simply stand in the circle of each other’s arms.

We are 3 weeks into December now and the babe in Elizabeth’s belly has long since quickened though it passed with little remark. I watched as John dropped a single gentle kiss onto her brow. He is content and happy that the child is well and growing and that Elizabeth is healthy, I know he will love his child, but he has no love left for his wife.  
It is true that they still share a chamber, Elizabeth knows she needs a husband to provide for the family and I think she fears that if she should denounce John, he would reveal her own deceit. Though I am certain he would not and I am just as sure that he has not laid a finger on her since he bedded me. I have seen the truckle bed in their room and there is more linen to wash now.  
Elizabeth seeks to have my days mapped out minute by minute, and Susannah has set herself as guardian of my nights, pressed between the two I have shared little time alone with John. 

 

There is a change in me, my courses have never been regular but even so, too long a time has passed since my last and for some days I have felt unwell. Although we seldom speak, Susannah watches me closely and I know she has heard me of a morning as I retch into the piss pot. Though she says nothing, her look sets fear into my heart. 

It is bitter cold outside and the snows have come hard, the sky is leaden and full of more. With a yoke holding two large pails of slops balanced across my shoulders, I tread carefully from the back of the house over to the pigs, the ground is *slape* beneath my feet and I have no wish to fall on my arse in the snow. John waits near the pens and at the sound of my footsteps he looks towards me with a warm, wide smile as he stands in the whirling snow. It settles on his dark hair, his beard and his blue coat that he’s buttoned high against the chill wind.   
Carefully he lifts the yoke from my shoulders and lowers the pails to the ground. We are out of sight here and as I set my hand against his cold cheek, he turns his mouth to it and plants a soft warm kiss and a gentle nip to the flesh below my thumb. Stretching up on my toes, I slide one hand to the back of John’s neck to twist my fingers into his scarf and with my other I clutch the front of his coat. Without thought, he drops his lips gently to mine and sighs my own name into my mouth. We stand locked together as he cradles my head against his chest.

“I must not linger John, the Mistress keeps tight check on my time out of her sight” dropping a kiss to my head he holds me even tighter, warming me and shielding me against the snow.  
“Oh God I need you Esther” with a voice that is low and breaking his words come out in a rush “I can hardly bear this."  
I cut him short and steel myself before my courage leaves me but even so my voice falters “John I have something I must tell you, please listen, please do not be angry with me”   
“Then tell me Esther” John presses his lips to my brow “I can never be angry with my sweet girl”

The words I had practiced to myself catch in my throat and I croak them out in a rush, stumbling over them. He brushes his lips against mine to stop my rambling and kisses me so tenderly.  
“Esther, slowly, slowly be calm, tell me again” Looking up into those blue eyes I knew he had understood me the first time, but he wanted to hear again 

“John, I think I am carrying your child but my courses are never regular, I might be mistaken, it might be something else”   
We stand in the whirling snow and he holds me to him, resting his cheek against my head. When I look up at him his eyes are bright, glittering and there is the widest smile on his face.

“Esther my love, how could you think I would be angry with you, do you think I would deny you, abandon you?” John puts his hands to my waist and when I slide my arms around his neck he lifts me off my feet whirling me round. There are tears and laughter from us both.   
Just as quickly he turns grim and serious. “Be wary of Susannah, her mind is not sound and I know she bears you ill will” 

“I’ll be careful John, but I know she has set herself at you” 

“Aye she does work I do not ask of her, leaves me silly tokens and gifts, tries to have me kiss her, and she is a sly scheming bitch” 

“What words would worthy folks use for me John, Whore, slut, trull and all the rest?” I end my question with a shaky laugh.

“There is no humour in it Esther, you are none of those to me and never think it of yourself” Even through the layers of my clothes his grip on my shoulders is painful, I wince and take a sharp breath. It is enough and he wraps his arms around me again burying his face into my neck his beard soft against my skin.

“I beg you be wary, for once she knows you carry my child she will take against you even more, I will do whatever I can to shield you from her and from everyone else but promise me take to care Esther, promise me” I settle my hands against his cheeks and gently stroke my fingers through beard, his eyelids flutter and he answers with a soft purr. I have no time to answer him and we spring apart as we hear Susannah calling.

“Master Proctor, Master Proctor” she comes trotting around the gable end of the barn.  
“Master Proctor, John,” He frowns and narrows his eyes at her familiarity. “I followed your steps thinking you would be here, the milking is all done with and I’ve scoured the pails for you”   
Stepping between us quick and sly she grinds her boot heel hard onto my foot, though when I wince and yelp she straight way begs my pardon with false concern and a simpering smile on her lips.   
Gone is the ratty unkempt hair, it is clean and sleek now beneath her head square. Her hands and nails are kept tidy and neat and she takes more pride in herself than she ever did when I first arrived. But still she is unsettled and disturbed, still she paces the floor at night, muttering and mumbling, and tells me John is sending words straight to her head. Yesterday she pointed to a jumble of pebbles and twigs by the corner of the house,   
“See how he leaves signs for me Esther, signs telling me where we can be alone, he hates you he tells me so.” How can I reason with her against this, I have tried but with a great boldness she is setting herself at John and her temper can be unleashed in a flash.

*slape* Slippery


	12. John and Esther Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cast out into the Wilderness.

I am bone weary.

sleet and snow has passed over now and there is a bright moon, but with the clear sky comes a bitter cold and a biting wind. My boots and hose are sodden, my dress waterlogged and thick with mud from hem to knee the weight of it hinders me as I walk. I am wearing the all the warmest clothing I have, short coat and shawl under my thick woollen cape, but still I am chilled through. I am walking away from Salem, away from the Proctor Farm and I carry as much as I can in my bundle but that is precious little. I do not know how this will end and the Almighty in his wisdom does not see fit to share his plans with such as me. 

The Winter Sickness was thought to have run its course in Salem, but has reared its head again and found its way to the Proctor house. Samuel does not go to school again today both he and Abigail are ill and although they are improving both are still in their sickbeds. For ease Mistress Proctor has set up a bed for Abigail in Samuel’s room and it has fallen mostly to me to nurse them. It suits me well, for it it is no chore and it keeps me from Susannah for a good part of the day.   
My own sickness has ended now, so there is no more retching and puking, though I am truly weary.

Abigail sleeps sound though her breath rattles a little but she’ll thrive, poor Samuel has been hit harder and is not quite so well. I sit on the edge of his bed stroking the hair back from his forehead then soak a cloth in cool water and lay it across his brow. He opens his eyes. “Esther, I need to pee can you help me?” He still cannot stand easily so I help him up, sit him on the piss pot and hold him steady, at seven he’s not old enough to be shy about it and in any case he’s too sick to mind.   
“I’m thirsty Esther”   
“You settle down child and I’ll go fetch fresh water, you lie still, you hear me? He nods and is almost asleep again as I snag up the jug and piss pot and go down to the kitchen. Susannah is in the parlour spinning, she has done her work with the stock and John will be about the fields by now, mending fences or clearing ditches so he does not need her. As usual I take a wide berth around her “Filthy Whore” she hisses at me as I pass but I take no notice. 

I’m thinking to ask the Mistress to give Susannah the draught again, for she still does not sleep through the night. I am uneasy too, for when she imagines in her head that I have been close to John, she sets about me in subtle ways, with threating looks and words, a pinch to the arm, a tug on my loose hair, the accidental drip of hot candle wax on my hand; she is hellish. I have seen her be sly and artful with John and when she thinks no one is watching she will place her hands against his chest and tilt her face to him as if waiting for a kiss. Other times she tries to grasp his hand or will step up behind him to wrap her arms about his waist, with a fierce look he shrugs her away fast, growling at her to behave and threatening a whipping if she should not. The more he denies his want of her the more she thinks he loves her.

I go through to where the Elizabeth is working. “I need some fresh water for Samuel Mistress and I have almost used the salve for his chest and the syrup to ease his cough.  
Elizabeth turns around slowly and rubs the flat of her hands against her lower back, trying to ease the ache and stiffness, she has a scant two months to go and her belly seems larger each day.

“Is he awake?” 

“He was, he needed to pee” She looks into the pot and then sniffs “Better than it was” she takes the pot and goes out to sling the contents onto the house midden. “He needs only water for today, take it up to him and I will bring salve and syrup presently, tomorrow will be soon enough for him to eat.

Within the hour Mistress Proctor makes her way into the sickroom, her expression softens as she watches her children sleeping sound and when her face lights like this, she is pretty and looks younger. 

“Esther” Her look is hard now and her eyes narrow as she stares at me

“Yes Mistress?”

“I would speak with you girl let us be private” and with as much dignity and grace as her swollen belly will allow, she sweeps past me and onward into the bedchamber I share with Susannah. The moment I enter, even before I close the door she rounds on me with eyes blazing. I feel like a small bird under the gaze of a hawk ready to swoop, and swoop she does with talons out and she does not miss her prey.

“You are bearing a child,” It is not a question and Mistress Proctor’s voice though soft, is icy cold.

To hear it from her lips is like a blow and it knocks the breath from my body, my heart pounds so hard I can hear it pounding in my ears. Turning I step towards Elizabeth but I can’t speak. Her mouth is set in a tight line now and her pale eyes are fixed on me. Is it sadness or anger written there, I can’t tell.

“I’m no fool girl, there have been no soiled rags, stained bed linens or shifts from you for an age, did you think I would not know? There is a stillness about her now and she watches me with a quiet dignity as she rests her hands atop her belly. 

“Does Master Proctor know you carry his child?”

Another blow, I still cannot speak and so nod my head.

“You should not think to try and take my place in this house Esther Putnam, you are nothing.” 

Her words goad me and though once I would never have dared answer her back now I cannot stop myself. 

“I am not nothing, Master Proctor has drawn me into his life and he loves me” I am shocked that I can speak so to Mistress Proctor and even as I utter the words, I wish I had not. 

Elizabeth gives the smallest, tightest laugh. “Well I will put it plain and simple to you girl, if a man of John Proctors standing took a Mistress she would not be a servant, you are his whore and nothing more than that.”

My chest hurts, the air burns in my lungs as I breathe fast and shallow and I screw my eyes tight for though there are hot tears starting there and I will not let them fall. Then suddenly it feels as if something in me wants to rip me apart, I face her not able to stay my tongue again and the words spew out. 

“If what I have heard tell of you is the truth Mistress Procter, then you are no better than me, for you deceived John Proctor long ago to save your own good name.”

She is shocked at what I say and wonders how I know of this, the look on her face tells me so. For a slight woman and one hindered somewhat by her condition, Elizabeth Proctor can move quickly and deliver a powerful wallop. She fetches me a hefty blow across my face, enough to make me stagger and knock me sidewise. In my heart I know I deserve her rage and wish I had not opened my mouth but the damage is done and cannot be mended.

“Esther Putnam you are an ungodly whore and though I have sworn to My Husband” she gives weight to those words “that I will not put you out, God help me I will break that oath, I will not have you under this roof for minute longer than needs be.” Elizabeth steps past me and swings up the lid of the chest beside my bed. “Take your things or as much as you can carry and leave this house” She reaches into the pocket tied under her skirts and pulls out a few coins tossing them onto my bed. “The coin is more than you deserve but take it and go.”

My face is still stinging from the blow but I will not give, I have nothing to lose now “You say you swore to Master Proctor, if so you cannot go against him, you cannot, he promised he would not abandon me that I would be safe here” Elizabeth waits no longer and begins to haul my meagre belongings from the chest. 

“I am Mistress inside this house girl, now bundle up your chattels, else I will fling them from the window and you may pick them out of the mud as you leave” and I know she would do it. I take my spare shawl and tie into it as much as I can, which in truth amounts to very little, spare hose, spare shift, spare head cloth and my summer boots but I must leave my best dress behind. I slip my short coat on then my shawl over that and lastly my cloak then I snatch up the coins and slide them into the pocket under my dress, I hear a scuttling outside the door but when Elizabeth opens it wide there is no one there so holding my head as high as I can, I walk past her and down the stairs to the parlour.  
Susannah must have heard what was said, she gets up from her spinning and laughs, then circles round and round me coming to stand in front of me, we glare at one another and before Mistress Proctor enters the room she slaps me then spits in my face, adding “You should be whipped you whore, this will be a better place with you gone and John will be truly mine, he will be able to love me as he wants to” I turn on my heel and make for door.

“Esther” the Mistress calls after me and as I look back she is holding out some food, I can feel a stony look settling on my face.  
“No Mistress Proctor, you have made your wishes plain, I do not look for charity from you” They are my last words before I leave and head away from the farm, away from Salem.

Master Proctor works out on the far side of the farm all day and so does not come home for dinner. Elizabeth does not know if she will be able to withstand Johns rage when he returns for supper, but is steeling herself to try and stand fast against him. 

It is dark now and all I want is to find somewhere to hide from the biting wind, but there is nowhere and it grows more likely that I will spend my night sodden and cold in a hedge back, copse or shallow ditch. Only now do I begin to weep for the child growing in my belly, but strangely for something I had left behind, a yellow silk pocket worked with blue flowers, the only thing I had left to remind me of my Mamma.  
This morning I had wished for the Summer to come and had smiled as I pictured John holding his child in his arms for the first time. Now I wonder whether we shall even see the Summer.


	13. John and Esther Part 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Susannah sets herself at John. Threat and counter threat. The vicious pettiness of hatred.

“Susannah while I tend to the children you may set the table for supper but only for three mind, then put the water to heat for Master Proctor, I doubt it will be much longer before he returns.” Elizabeth Procter makes her way upstairs, she can already feel her resolve is beginning to weaken and wonders if she will have the strength of mind to face up to John after breaking her oath.

Susannah sets the stew to heat and lays out the platters and beakers, she walks around with a confident step, a wide smile and imagines that she is the Mistress here, for in her head John is coming home to her and only her. There is nothing in her way now, for she sees Elizabeth as of little importance and Esther is gone for good. 

For Master John Proctor the day does not end with the last yard of ditch cleared or the last stake hammered into the fence line, so even when he returns home there are still tasks to be done. He leads the draught horses into the barn and unhitches them from the waggon but before he can wash and sit down for supper they need to be fed groomed and checked over for soundness. Tools need to cleaned, oiled against rust and put away. It is a weary man who kicks off his muddy boots and steps into the house. In the dim light of the lanterns he looks older, careworn, tired but he smiles to himself at the thought of seeing Esther, for just being in the same room with her lifts his spirit.

The house is strangely quiet, for there are no children about and only Susannah is in the parlour. He does not question that neither Elizabeth nor Esther are there and thinks them both to be in the sick room with the children.

“Supper is almost ready Master Proctor and I have the water for the tub, will you wash before you eat? Susannah steps close to him, too close, John eyes her and his only reply is nod, but he knows that as he removes his shirt Susannah is watching him like a cat watches a mouse and when he pulls it from his body he sees her there, wide eyed and licking her lips at him. The sight chills him but he kneels and washes then stands to dry himself, with his back to her Susannah sees her chance and as John dries his face and chest she sidles up behind him with another cloth and begins to wipe at the water on his back.

John spins round and growls at her his eyes full of anger “You dare Girl, what in the name of God possess you, get about your work”

“John, John, please do not be angry” she simpers at him with a coy smile” I know you must pretend in front of others but it is only we two here” She steps up to him, places her hand against the still damp skin of his chest and starts to stroke her fingers through the hairs there and up to his shoulder.

His grip on her wrist is almost enough to crush bone and she winces but relishes the pain as more proof of John’s deep love for her.  
“Susannah, I have never in my life raised my hand to a woman, but as God is my witness you are trying me sore and if you do not stop this nonsense girl I will take my whip to you.” John is not gentle as he pushes her away and as he does Elizabeth comes into the room, she has seen all and her blood runs cold for she knows now that in her own way, Susannah is as great a threat as Esther.

“Are the children well Elizabeth, are they improving?”  
“Aye John, they are, Abigail may well be up tomorrow, but Samuel may need a day or two more” Elizabeth seems nervous and wary, It is only when John sits that he notices only three places are set at table.

“Does Esther sit with the children?

Mistress Proctor draws in one deep breath and then another but she does not let her gaze slide away from his.  
“Esther is not here John, she is dismissed I will not have her here and have put her out from this house.”

His blue eyes turn dark, he sets his jaw firm the way he always does when he is angry, but this is more than anger, this is fury burning in him deep and hot.  
The silence hangs but still Elizabeth bravely holds his look, though she trembles a little when he finally speaks for his voice is so low and so calm and she knows this is when he is at his most enraged.

“Go up to your room girl” he barks at Susannah, she hesitates but John is in no mood, he lifts his whip from the table raises it high and brings it swishing down hard against the wood, Elizabeth flinches “I said go to your room or you will feel the whip across your arse” his voice rumbles like thunder and Susannah skitters away.

“You have broken your oath Elizabeth” John is on his feet now and paces across the room then back,he circles Elizabeth then stands before her “You swore before God and before me you would let Esther stay” He grabs her by her shoulders and shakes her so hard the head cover slides from her hair. “Why have you done this, why have you gone back on your word?”

Elizabeth wrenches herself from his grip she is sure there will be bruises “Before God Husband, I doubt God will lay blame on me for this, I will not have that whore and her child in my house”  
She sees the look on Johns face, surprise at first then threatening and fierce but still she holds fast and the longer she holds against him, the stronger she feels.  
“Oh yes I know about the child I am not a fool, if you seek to bring her back here I will go to the court John, I will name you as an adulterer and her as a whore and I will seek to be *divorced* from you and you well know the penalties for that John Proctor.

The slight smile that settles on his face unnerves her more than his anger, his tone is soft like a lovers voice, he steps towards her toe to toe, towering over her his voice drops to a low growl “Then do it Woman, do it, but if you persist then know this, I will petition my own case against you and I have cause. When you came to me you were soiled goods and I was cheated into a marriage with you, even after all these years I will have a case. Now where did she go?”

Elizabeth does not answer, cannot answer for she does not know and stands before John twisting the cloth of her apron in her hands, her resolve is sliding away.

“Tell me Woman where did Esther go?” he slams is fist on the table “Tell me” His voice is at roaring pitch.

“I cannot, I do not know which road she took” Her voice is small and she trembles now, John is reaching for his coat “I will ask it of you John but I will not beg, do not go to look for Esther” 

John looks across at her, her skin pale, her soft brown hair still uncovered, hangs to her shoulders, there is still a look of the pretty girl he wed and once, perhaps, felt something for, but what he felt was never love and it is even less so now.

“I will not leave her to frame for herself on such a night Elizabeth” The door slams, rattles on its hinges and John is gone.  
He runs full pelt across to the stable, his coat flying behind him, long legs covering the ground with ease, he needs no lantern and he could do everything blindfolded. Choosing the mare over the stallion, he takes off the head collar and slips the bridle over her head. John is a good horseman, he needs no saddle and is on her back and riding out of the yard in minutes. 

Elizabeth shakes, her legs fold beneath her and she falls to her knees she tilts her head back. “God oh, God guide me what must I do? The room is filled with a shrill, keening cry. 

Susannah steps quietly into the room now, she has heard all and sees her chance to worm her way into her Mistresses confidence.

“Mistress Proctor, let me help you” Elizabeth flinches a little, but though she no longer trusts Susannah, she her allows to help her up and settle her in a chair. “Forgive my boldness Mistress” but I think you are ill-used, it is not right.” 

Elizabeth stops her and speaks sharply “It is not your concern Susannah, now you may eat your supper and then clear the table, do not serve any for me for I have no appetite.”  
Exhausted now and with her mind reeling from the uncertainty of what is to come, Elizabeth hauls herself up to the children’s room for comfort and company leaving Susannah to finish the last few chores and bank up the fire before she goes upstairs.

John reaches the main road and reins the mare round in a circle “Which way Bonny, which way do I go?” His mind is racing as he wheels her around again, then it dawns on him. Esther would never make her way to Salem, better to go somewhere she is not known. He buttons his coat against the cold, then setting Bonny to a steady canter heads out along the Boston road grateful for the clear sky and the bright moon. When the road winds into wilder country, he slows her back to a trot for he will need to check every cut, brake and thicket for fear he misses Esther along the way.

Snatching Esther’s best dress from the bedroom floor Susannah takes it across to her own bed and with a sly smile she digs down into her own keep chest. Her fingers clutch around what she is seeking and she draws out a pair of small scissors. Wild eyed she sings to herself as she works snipping and ripping, snipping and ripping until the garment resembles nothing more than a bodice set round with a skirt of ribbons. Smoothing it down Susannah lays out the ruined dress on Esther’s bed and steps back to admire her work, something catches her eye and she reaches under the bed bringing out a yellow silk pocket embroidered with blue flowers. She holds it to the candle light “Such a pretty thing, so pretty” she whispers. In minutes it lays atop the dress nothing more than a tangle of frayed yellow silk.

 

*In Massachusetts between 1639 and 1692, 31 of the 40 petitions for divorce or annulment were granted, mostly for desertion and infidelity. Puritans rejected both the Anglican and Catholic view of marriage as a sacrament, thinking it a 'popish invention, with no basis in the Gospels. So they considered it a marriage with a divorce, with full right to remarry. Magistrates often awarded harsh punishments for the guilty party in a divorce: fines, whipping or time in the stocks. The guilty party was also not allowed to get married again.*


	14. John and Esther Part 14

John Proctor knows the Boston road well and it will be rough going tonight but he pushes Bonny hard and at times wishes he had saddled her, for skilful rider that he is, he’s slewed across her back more than once as she falters in the mud. If Esther were anywhere nearby he would be able to see her in the brightening moonlight but there is no sign. His chest feels tight and fear gnaws at his guts. “I need you safe Esther, I need you home” John whispers and as he rides on he calls her name out time and again hoping for an answer, pushing from his mind all thoughts that she is hurt or worse. He looks up at the sky and cries out in defiance “I will not lose you Esther, I will not give you up no matter what” For John Proctor is not a man who bends easily to anyone’s will and he refuses to beg for aid from a fickle and pitiless God. 

I have trudged nonstop since I left the farm and wish I hadn’t been proud and foolish in refusing Elizabeth’s offer of food, for it feels as if my belly is touching my backbone. The mud is thick and sucking, I keep slipping and have soaked myself more than once as I landed in the water filled cart ruts. There has been little traffic along the road and most of it has been heading back to Salem only a few single riders pass me Boston bound. The nights pull in quickly now and the wind is cruel as it blows over the flat land. In my heart I’m sure that John will come after me, but I know it won’t serve, for Elizabeth will not let me back. Someone calls out in the distance then silence, I hear it again and realise it’s my name and John’s voice. Glancing behind I see him riding towards me but I keep walking so he reins the horse in beside me and slows it to a walk  
I bow my head and force myself not to look up at him.

“I thought I’d lost you Esther” His voice catches in his throat. “Come back with me now”

“It won’t work John, Elizabeth will not have me set foot back in the house. I love you more than life John Proctor but I can’t stay there with your wife about to bear your child and that crazed girl, I will not do it.” Drawing in a shaky breath I glance up at him “Go home John, go back to Elizabeth and your family” My voice is brittle as I try to keep the tears at bay. Out of the corner of my eye I see him stretch his hand down to me, I swat it away and keep walking. I want him to hate me, to turn away from me and ride back to the farm but he reins the mare across my path and stares me down his face as hard and pale as stone. I move to step around him but with a squeeze from his thighs Bonny sidles across the path and blocks my way, then he swings himself from her back to land in front of me. 

“Esther just think what you’re saying damn you” I can hear the dread in his voice as it rumbles around me, he grips my shoulders fingers digging hard through the layers of cloth.

“I know what I’m saying but I will find something in Boston, I’ll not starve” he flinches at my defiance and his own tone is almost cruel.

“No you would not starve girl, because I would not allow it, but no one will take an unmarried woman with a child in her belly into their house. You would be whipped through the town as a whore. Don’t be a fool Esther, I beg you don’t force me away” John hauls me into his arms and I’m sobbing so much I can barely breathe. Cupping my chin roughly he battens his mouth onto mine, hard, desperate and bruising, his tongue seeking mine his teeth raking my lip. I free my hands and pummel them against his chest trying to push him away, trying to make him leave me but he grabs my wrists in a vice like grip and as I look up at him his eyes are bright and glassy with the start of tears.   
“Esther we’re going home, NOW” 

I try to reason with him, but my words float into his mouth and are lost in a soft, sweet kiss; I feel safe and warm in his arms. “Listen to me Esther Putnam, if you don’t let me set you properly on that horse I will fling you over the back of it like a sack of corn do you hear me. I look up at him, and seeing a spark of amusement in his eyes I reach up to draw his face down to mine and brush my lips against his.   
John boosts me up on to Bonny then vaults up behind his left arm clamped tightly around me so I won’t slip. 

“Are you sure John, are you sure we can ride this storm? 

“Esther, we are going home, now sit tight my sweet bird, sit tight.”

With one flick of the reigns and one light kick to Bonny’s sides we are heading back to the Proctor Farm and to who knows what.

Abigail whimpers as her mother gently lets go of her and rises from the bed. Elizabeth feels tears prick her eyes, she stands for a moment to watch the children sleep then steps quietly into the passage and makes her way down to the parlour. A chill has already settled in the room and Elizabeth coaxes the banked fire back to life, lights two lanterns and takes up her sewing to occupy her as she sits awaiting John’s return whether that be with or without Esther. But it will not do, she can find neither consolation nor calm in the gentle rhythm of pushing needle into linen and sets it down beside her, all the while she wonders if the sky will fall in on her. 

The child moves in her belly and kicks hard almost knocking the breath from her. “My strong boy” she smiles. Elizabeth had long since decided that she was bearing a son for the signs were there, her hair had grown thick and lustrous and she is carrying the child low. In her heart she holds the hope that a healthy boy will draw John back to her but in her mind she knows the truth of it, she knows that for the rest of her life, John will never again be hers and she can see no way out of this maze of trouble. 

Upstairs Susannah laughs to herself as she strokes at Esther’s tattered dress, then barefoot she whirls around the room whispering John’s name as she dances in and out of the shafts of moonlight. Something catches her eye as she sways past the window and she presses her nose to the glass. “John, my beloved John you’re home” but the words sour on her tongue as she sees Esther with him. Snatching up her shawl she races down to the parlour.

“Mistress Proctor, the Master is back and he has brought that whore Esther Putnam home with him”

“It is not your business Susannah it is between me and the Master, now hold your tongue” Elizabeth swallows down the bile rising in her throat while Susannah stands beside her chair like an avenging angel.

We ride straight to the stable and as John lifts me down from the mare he holds me in mid-air lowering me just enough so that he can kiss me with soft, deep, open mouthed kisses. I wait while he rubs Bonny down and feeds her. Though he wants to carry me to the door I will not let him for I mean enter the Proctor house on my own two feet. Even so John sets his hand against the small of my back and I am glad, for it gives me comfort and courage as he guides me towards his own chair and settles me there. My fingers are so cold I cannot untie my bootlaces, John kneels before me and sitting back on his heels he unlaces and removes each boot.   
“Your hose is soaked Esther” I quickly roll the sodden stockings from my legs tossing them to the floor to my surprise John takes each frozen foot in turn, chaffing it to bring back some warmth to the flesh.

Elizabeth looks on, silent, impassive, and distant as Susannah scowls and plots a new revenge.

“Susannah fetch the tub and set some water to heat girl” Susannah does not move but glares at John in bold defiance as she drops a hand to Elizabeth’s shoulder “Move girl, do as I say” he snarls at her and with ill grace she saunters away, though she is quick to return clattering the tub down in front of the fire and slopping water from jug as she pours it into the pot to boil.

“Esther you will need a clean dress and shift” John jerks his head round as Elizabeth speaks, for with those few words she has sanctioned my return into the Proctor house.

“My best dress is in my room Mistress and my shift is here” I unwrap my bundle and pull the garment free, but it is soiled and damp from the muddy water as are my spare hose and head cloth, such a small mishap makes me want to weep. 

“Susannah fetch the dress and take a clean shift from the chest in my chamber, it will serve for now “She is faster to obey Elizabeth than she was to obey John and trots out of the room.

With a wide smile Susannah drops the shift onto the floor and hands me the neatly folded dress. As I shake it out and stare slack mouthed at the tattered rag the tiredness slides away from me and a fierce burning rage courses through my body. I launch myself from the chair so quickly, that as slight as I am I overbalance John and he sprawls backwards cracking his head against the hearth, it knocks him senseless. But my goal is Susannah only Susannah. From the corner of my eye I see Elizabeth heave herself from the chair and fall to her knees beside him.   
“You bitch, Susannah Parris you evil crazed bitch, I’ll have you for this you should be locked away in the asylum” 

Susannah laughs, her voice high and shrill as she dances away from me. I launch myself at her then check, for I will not get too close to her, she is free with her fists and I’ll not do anything that might harm my child, but I will make her pay. There on the table I see the instrument of my revenge, John’s carriage whip leather covered, long and slender. Susannah catches me eying it and dashes forward but I reach it first and snatch it up. Without pause I raise my arm and lay into her again and again and again, I see nothing but Susannah and I hear nothing but the swishing and hissing of the whip, not even her screams.

John groans, shakes his head and rises to his knees, the water in the cauldron is barely warm he cups his hands into it and splashes some onto his face rubbing his fingers hard against his skin. Sure that John is revived Elizabeth clambers to her feet and steps behind me close enough to wrap her cool fingers around my wrist, she yells at me to stop but the look I shoot her is enough to make her step back in fear. 

“John in Gods name John, make Esther stop please make her stop, else she kills Susannah”

I don’t care where I hit the bitch, she raises her arms to shield her face so I whip her across her body, all I can feel is a white hot rage. She is screaming, begging me to stop I follow her around the room, as I step forward she steps back and with each step another lash, I think I am smiling. Even beneath her clothes her flesh will itch then burn, weals and welts will form up livid and sore. Backing away from me she trips over her own feet and lands sprawling on the floor her dress hitched above her knees. Susannah is no longer screaming but whimpering, she drags herself into the corner of the parlour as I lay the whip hard to her bare legs and watch as the blood begins to ooze from the wounds. Although she cowers balled up as tight as can be I raise my arm again.

John is unsteady on his feet, sees one Esther, then two, then one again and shakes his head as he lumbers towards her. I struggle and writhe as I feel an arm snake tight around me and fingers grip tightly at the hand holding the whip.

“Esther” Johns voice is soft, his breath warm against my ear. “Esther, be calm, be still” he presses his lips to that sweet place behind my ear. “Stop”

The rage leaves me and I crumple against him as he gently uncurls my fingers. Taking the whip from my hand he flings it behind him and I let him guide me back to the chair.  
“Sit and be quiet” I nod at him his voice is low but I know that tone and it will not do to cross him. 

Susannah lies very still. Fear clutches at me but only a little, there is no guilt, no shame and no pity. John steps towards her and lifts her gently to her feet, she has not strength enough to stand so he lifts her up in his arms; I cannot even bring myself to be jealous for there on the floor is a dark wet patch, in her fear Susannah has pee’d herself.  
Elizabeth takes salves, ointments, bandages and follows John upstairs, I am left to sit alone, my mind numb and my body bone weary. 

“Husband while we are quiet I would speak with you” Elizabeth has tended to Susannah, smearing salve on the lesser wounds and binding the the others. They stand face to face, a chasm of deceit and lost chances wide between them, as she speaks Elizabeth’s voice is calm and heavy with resignation.

“I have been a cold wife to you John Proctor.” John starts to speak but Elizabeth shakes her head and steps nearer to lay her hand flat against his chest. You are a good man John, you have saved me from my disgrace, and given me my reputation and standing. All I have given you is a cold house and you have not deserved that. There are choices to be made John, decisions to be taken but tomorrow will be soon enough. I will stay with the children tonight and will hear if Susannah wakes. Now go and see to Esther.”

John raises his hand to her cheek “You are a good woman Elizabeth” 

More than that, Elizabeth Proctor is a brave and wise woman

“Esther” John is standing before me pouring water into the tub. I do not ask about Susannah and he does not tell. Grasping his outstretched hands I let him raise me to my feet, he moves behind me and unlaces my mud caked dress letting it slip gently to the floor, the shift follows suit and he guides me to the tub holding me steady as I step into the warm water.. Wetting a cloth he wipes my face, then slowly cleans the mud and grime from the rest of my body. There is no lust but there is love, there is no passion but deep tenderness. As he wraps a drying cloth around me I finally let go the tears stream down my face and as I weep my body shakes.   
“Hush my love, Hush” Lifting me from the floor John steps backwards to his chair and settles with me in his lap. I draw my legs up draping them over the chair arm and curl myself against him with my head against his chest. His heartbeat is my lullaby and I drift to sleep in his arms.


	15. John and Esther Part 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All's Fair so should the punishment fit the Crime? The accusations fly. John needs Esther.

John shifts and stretches in his chair, the movement rouses me and I nestle against him.

“Go on up to your bed now Esther it’s late” As I stretch up to press a kiss to his jaw, he moves his head to the side and in a weary, sombre voice bids me again to go up to my bed.

Clutching the large drying cloth around me I slide from his lap, snatch my shift from off the floor and slip it over my head. The room is cold, so John rakes up the fire and sets it going again ready to bank it up for the morning. Stepping up behind him I wind my arms around his waist and lace my fingers together across his firm belly hoping for one last kiss. Before I can lean into him and press myself against his back, he grips my wrists and loosens my hold pushing my hands away. Surprised I step backwards from him. This is not John, this is not the man who takes every chance to catch me in his arms and kiss me, or flash me a soft sweet smile when no one can see us. Now he turns to me with his arms folded across his broad chest, his face solemn his eyes narrowed.

“My conscience bids me say this to you Esther” he hesitates draws in a deep breath then continues, his tone cool and harsh “What you did to Susannah was not simply callous I would call it vicious.”

I cannot believe my own ears at what he is saying and my heart pounds against my ribs “He’s defending her, dear God he’s defending her but why?”   
My voice is shrill as I yell back at him “John how can you say that after what she’s done to me...” He cut’s me short and when he speaks his voice is curt.

“No matter what Susannah did, what you did in return was cruel, spiteful, you know full well she is not right in her head, what were you about? John draws a long breath “I did not think you had it within you to be so pitiless.” All the while his eyes are locked onto mine, dark and sad.  
“In the name of God Esther whatever she has done to you, surely one lick of the whip or maybe two would have served, but not that” Now the look in his eyes turns from sadness to disappointment and it cuts me deep, I could bear his anger more easily. “Thank God I came round when I did girl, else who knows how much more hurt you would have pressed upon her”

I am angry with John, bitter that he is taking Susannah’s part. My jaw hangs slack, I work to get my words out.

“Why do you defend her Master Proctor?” No longer will I call him John “What makes you want to stand up for her, why do you seek to support her?” My words are as sour as vinegar. John Proctor may be calm but I am not.

“I do not defend her Esther but I know that Susannah is sick in her mind and now because of you she is sick in her body. The Mistress needs the both of you at this time, you have beaten Susannah almost senseless, you are tainted with hatred and disgraced yourself.”

Screeching I launch myself at him and start to pound my fists against his chest “You dare Master Proctor ” but he grabs my wrists and holds me off easily enough, so I snatch my hands away.  
“Esther stop girl, you are only angry because you know me to be right”. I Search into my mind for words that will wound him and rip at his heart I smile sweetly as I gaze up at him.

“Master Proctor how many times have you fucked Susannah, was it every day she was with you in the barn or just some days? Did you slam her up against the wall with her legs locked around you or did you tumble her gently in the hayloft, all the time whispering the same sweet things to her.” John struggles to contain himself, the colour drains from his face and against the paleness his eyes seem to burn like dark fire. Clenching his jaw he steps closer, I can see he is fighting the urge to yell at me.

“You don’t answer me Master Proctor, is it because you cannot do so without admitting that you have laid with that Bitch?” My hand lands open, hard and stinging against his cheek. Although he sees the blow coming he does not flinch flinch from it. Silence hangs between us as we lock our gaze, blue eyes to grey. Finally he speaks but still there is no denial.

“To bed Esther NOW, I’ll not tell you again” Deep and rumbling his voice bounces around the walls. 

Grabbing his right arm I yank it towards me and lay his hand against my belly feeling the warmth of his palm seep through my shift.  
“Remember Master Proctor that your child is growing in me, if you no longer love or care for me, then it were best you had left me to walk on to Boston and suffer whatever God in his wisdom saw fit to hurl at me.

“My name is John to you Esther, it is John” Gone is the anger and his soft, gentle tone washes over me but I am stubborn.

“No, you are no longer John to me” Shaking my head I feel tears start to burn in my eyes for he still has not denied that he laid with Susannah. As I turn my back to him he catches hold of my arm and gently caresses and trails his fingers slowly down my skin, it feels like fire against my flesh. How I love his touch, I want to fall into his arms but I dare not even look at his face for fear I will give in to my need of him. Taking hold of my hand he lifts it to his lips and presses a kiss against my palm.

“We will talk more on this in the morning Esther, it is not finished between us” 

Snatching my hand away I step past him spitting words out “Oh but for me it is finished Master Procter, finished and done with” and I rush up the stairs to my room breathing fast and shallow as I fight back the tears. 

Elizabeth has left a lantern burning in my room and the candle is not quite spent. Suddenly I realize that although Susannah’s bed frame is still here, her mattress and covers are not, neither is her keep chest. I am alone and I have no wish to discover where she is. Crawling under my bed covers I curl onto my side pulling the blankets close around me. In my heart I know John is right about what I did, but to hear him defend Susannah cut me to the quick and I feel my stomach knotting with dread. Why did he not defend himself why would he not hold me close and say that he loves me? Wrapping my arms across my body I give in to my misery sobbing and *greeting* as I rock myself from side to side hoping to drift into sleep. 

John makes his way slowly upstairs, he wants to go to Esther, craves to hold her close and tell her that there is nothing to fear but he will not, at least not tonight. Elizabeth is awake when he enters their chamber. As he strips off his clothes she watches dreamily through half closed eyes. A deep yearning courses through her, a desire to feel his strong arms wrapped around her, his warm body close to hers but there is little hope of that. As he slides into the truckle bed she closes her eyes against the sight of his muscled virile body.

John lays quietly, his arms folded behind his head. Tomorrow he will dispense his justice, tomorrow Esther may despise him a little more but he has faith that it will only be for a little while and sighing, he closes his eyes and drifts to sleep.

Esther is lying beside him, head on his chest, arms wound tightly around him as she presses her lithe warm form close to his. With her soft mouth she starts to kiss his skin and as her hair falls like a soft and silken curtain trailing over him John shudders with pleasure. Further and further she travels down his body licking and nipping at his belly, teasing her fingers into the thatch of hair at his groin.

“Oh Christ Esther” John tilts his head back and moans out her name on a long soft breath as she curls her fingers around the base of his cock, then dips down and slides her hot, wet tongue up the length of him before she takes the dark livid head between her lips. Teasing, she swirls the firm tip of her tongue lazily around him and his hips buck hard of their own accord as she flicks it in and out of the slit, a low growl escapes him to echo around the room. John slides farther up the bed to prop himself up, he shivers as his shoulders press against the cold wall above the pillows. Sliding his feet up towards his arse he spreads his raised, bent knees wide so that he can watch as she settles between his legs then slowly and oh so gently she takes the full length of him into her mouth. Just the sight of those soft lips stretched tight around him almost sends him to the edge, then she catches him by surprise making him hitch his breath, as she shifts her hand and gives his balls a wicked scrape with her nails. Cupping them now she begins to fondle them, as she sucks in her cheeks encasing his cock in a warm, wet, tightness. 

With an agonisingly slow rhythm, Esther draws her mouth up, then slides it back down the length of him. John shifts again and winds the fingers of one hand in her hair, while with the other he clutches and twists at the bedclothes. He matches his rhythm to hers but all the while he seeks to make her move a little faster. Esther will have none of it and flicks her gaze up at him, he sees the wicked, teasing glint in her eyes as she keeps that slow steady pace.  
“Esther please” he groans “Oh God girl please” and she quickens a little as he snaps his hips in time with her. His breathing is rapid, harsh and erratic he knows he is near and tightens his hand in her hair to hold her head steady. John thrusts faster, harder grunting and sweating as she takes all of him without baulking, or gagging. With a roar he releases himself into Esther’s mouth. She swallows every drop of his seed before sliding her mouth from him. Kneeling up between his thighs she licks her tongue slowly and deliberately over her lips and gazes down at him with heavy lidded eyes and a soft look on her face.

“My Love, my sweet Esther” A lewd grins settles on his lips, “My wanton” and she smiles back at him watching his chest rise and fall. He holds his arms wide and she slides up to nestle between his legs and rest her head against his chest. As she listens to his slowing heartbeat she whispers “My love, my life, my soul” her hand is cool as she lays it against his belly.  
John wakes with a jolt, there is no Esther, no cool hand, only his seed grown cold now on his skin and fingers and he groans laying his head back against the wall. 

Glancing to the right all he can make out of Elizabeth is a shape under the bedclothes, there is no doubt she would have heard all, perhaps seen all if her eyes were accustomed to the gloom. 

John Proctor has rarely felt so alone.

 

*Greet* Old English grētan ‘cry out, rage’, and German grēotan ‘lament roots. Still used where I live. It means crying and groaning.


	16. John and Esther Part 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dues must be paid punishment meted out

Throughout the night unease has been gnawing at away at me and I have barely slept for thinking on what has happened between John and me, so I rise early and dress quickly against the cold.   
The Mistress had left me an old dress of her own, it is a good enough fit, though I will need help to lace it and the lacing will not be tight as my breasts are large, so for now I will pull on my short coat to hide the gap.   
To my surprise I see a pale shaft of light escaping from under the partly closed parlour door, my head is pounding I feel sick and shaky and I am surprised to see the Mistress already seated at table as I enter the room. 

Elizabeth Proctor does no more than glance at me, then returns to her writing as I stand waiting to be given my list of daily chores. There is no doubt in my mind that with Susannah laid up and the Mistress only a month short of her time, spare moments will be few and far between. I think on what I have done and the shame of it makes the heat rise in my cheeks, my workdays will be long and hard and the cause of that can only be laid at my own door. Worse, John had not denied he had bedded Susannah and the thought that he might have done such a thing makes me want to drop to my knees and cry. I am no longer angry but I am afraid, though I hold onto the thought that he came to fetch me back to the farm.

“Esther” Mistress Elizabeth’s voice is cold and harsh as she looks up at me now with her pale face and large eyes. “Until Susannah is well you will be doing the work of two and it would serve you well to pray for her to mend quickly girl, else you may have the work of three.” She is looking straight at me and her gaze is unwavering, Mistress Proctor is a proud woman but I can see the pain in her eyes. There she sits, her belly swollen with a child near due, here I stand, resting a hand over my own belly that is filling with the same man’s child. I have the grace to look away and cast my gaze downwards.  
As a good Christian wife, Mistress Proctor submits to her husbands will, though she does not have to like it. She can be a formidable woman and has a core of iron, there will be no quarter for me.  
“Abigail and Samuel are fit to be out of bed but I will keep Samuel home until Monday, you will dress them and feed them then their clothes and bedlinen are to be washed, as is the linen from your own bed, from Susannah’s and from my own chamber.” We are almost to Spring, almost to the New Year I want all clean before my child arrives. 

Elizabeth glares at me daring me to mention my own child, I do not but nor do I look away from her and I raise my chin a little in a small act of defiance. It may serve Mistress Elizabeth Proctor well to remember that the babes will be blood kin and no matter what she may think of me, my child is the issue of John Proctor and will have some standing in this house.   
“Master Proctor will help you move the bed back to Samuel’s room and to move Susannah’s bed frame to her new place. I am resolved that for the wellbeing of the household, the two of you will no longer share a space. After that you will scour the floors and scrub the walls of the children’s rooms.”   
“As you wish Mistress Proctor” I keep my voice calm and low.

John no longer lays with his wife so there will be linen from 6 beds, the extra linen from the children’s’ sick beds and anything else she may decide on. My heart sinks, this is to be a Great Wash, a Buck Wash. It will be hot, heavy work pouring the boiling water over the ash covered bucking cloth until the large tub beneath is full and the linens can be left to steep overnight. That is only the beginning, for tomorrow I will need to draw off the water, re heat it and pour it through the cloth time and again until the linens are clean  
Though she watches me closely I keep my face set and look right into her eyes. I will give nothing away and she will not wear me down for I will not allow it, she is the first to look away. Elizabeth moves in her chair, shifts her weight and rubs at the small of her back then against each task written in her book she scratches a black check mark. 

“Each night after supper you will sew, there are smallclothes to be finished for the children and the Masters work shirts to be repaired. I will purchase more cloth when I go into Salem on Saturday” 

I start to speak, then hesitate.

“Do you have anything you wish to say Girl?”

“If you please Mistress Proctor, I should like to accompany you to Salem”

Elizabeth struggles to her feet gives a tight little laugh and challenges me “Whatever would you need from Salem?” 

“And it please you Mistress” I place both hands on my belly and my voice strengthens as my confidence grows “ There are some small items I should like to buy, threads, lawn, a piece of fine weave linen. I have some coin put aside”

“Indeed and what of the coin I gave you when I cast you out, do you still have it?”

“Aye Mistress it is here” I tap at the place where my pocket sits beneath my dress  
“Then return it Girl you have no need of it now” 

I feel my eyes pop wide open surprised at her pettiness and I answer her back unable to keep the sharpness from my voice.

“You gave it me as severance Mistress Proctor and therefore it is mine to keep” I am determined she will not best me.

Elizabeth walks slowly around the table and stands in front of me eyes hard and glittering, I keep my own eyes fixed on hers.  
“You dare dispute this with me Esther Putnam, you have no entitlement now you are returned to this house through no wish of mine.”   
She holds out her hand and waits, but I do not reach for the coins  
“Now Esther, if you please” she snaps at me. Still I will not return the money, suddenly I feel a sting against my cheek and my head jerks back as Elizabeth lashes out and almost screams at me.  
“Now I said, else I will name you thief as well as whore”

“Wife, leave it be” We spin round at the sound of John’s booming voice, neither of us heard him come in from the back of the house. “It can do no harm to let Esther keep the coins and let her go to Salem.” Elizabeth nods her head once in agreement although her anger is ill disguised.   
So he has heard all and though I am still wary and worried I could throw my arms about him and kiss him for his kindness. But he looks at me with cold eyes and his lips are pressed in a thin smile. 

“Sit” he points to the bench behind me and I drop onto it.

“Esther your behaviour was unjust and cannot go unpunished, I told you there would be a price to pay for your vicious treatment of Susannah.”   
The air seems to chill around me and I stare up at him, my eyes narrowed, my chin lifted high in defiance as I wait for his judgement.  
“You will nurse Susannah” 

I scowl and gasp at him, “No Master Proctor I cannot, I will not do it” my words come out snappish and crabbed as I spring to my feet and stand so close to him that I need to bend my neck to see his face. I wish I had not, the anger flashing across his face would be enough to cow the devil himself.

“ESTHER SIT DOWN, NOW” He roars, my stomach knots and I fight the panic rising in me.   
“You will take up her meals, clean her wounds, change her dressings, smooth salve on her weals. Brush her hair, clean her linens If she should need assistance in the night then you will go to her and will even help her sit on the pisspot if need be.”

I start to speak.  
Master Proctor shakes his head “No Esther I do not want to hear you” keeping his voice low and calm, arms crossed across his chest he continues. “I warned you that would I exact some justice and you know me to be a man of my word.”

“When you are ready fetch me I will help you move the beds and set up the bucking tub” he strides past me and heads out through the front door to make his way to the barn.

I see a faint look of satisfaction in the small smile on Elizabeth’s lips. 

“I will fetch the children for their breakfast Mistress Proctor then I will tend to Susannah”

I halt next to her as I make for the stairs.  
My voice is hushed “Mistress Proctor, there are two babes coming to this house and I know you understand me when I say I will not allow my child to be treated any less than yours. John Proctor is father to both and he will acknowledge this child.”   
Her jaw drops at my boldness, but the line is drawn, I will guard the rights of my babe against all comers. Elizabeth Proctor stares after me as I leave the room.   
It is only when I reach the stairs that I begin to tremble and feel hot tears in my eyes.   
“Calm Esther, be calm” I tell myself and take deep, deep breaths before I head upstairs calling for Samuel and Abigail as I go.


	17. John and Esther Part 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reparation, work and forgiveness.

John has hauled the Bucking tub and stand into the back room of the house and helped me set it up. Throughout it all he said not one word, not one, nor hardly even looked at me. I have stripped most of the beds and have laid the linens in the tub I only need to collect those from Susannah’s room.

Susannah lays on her stomach for her back is covered in a criss cross of welts and weals. Most are livid and raised with dark bruises forming between around them, but here and there the skin is broken very deeply where the whip has sliced though her clothes and cut the skin. The wounds are deep and angry looking. I admit that John is right I have been cruel and am ashamed of what I did. Setting the bowl of herb water onto the floor I kneel beside Susannah’s mattress.

She stirs, turns her head and scowls over her shoulder at me.

“Lie still and I will tend to your wounds” My voice trembles and catches in my throat.

“Leave me alone bitch, I’ll not have you near me” her voice is shrill but in spite of what has happened there is no fear there. As she struggles to turn and raise herself to a sit, I try to help her but she shrugs me away snapping at me. “I said leave me be you whore” 

“We neither of us has a choice in this Susannah, I am ordered by the Master to tend to you” She watches me with suspicion, then her eyes pop wide and her smile broadens as I add “It is my penance.”

“Oh Esther Putnam how low are you brought, you are discarded and cast aside, John Proctor no longer feels anything for you.” 

My fingers itch to grab her, to slap her or to fling the contents of the bowl in her face but I dare not.  
“Let me tend to you, the faster I am done the sooner you will be rid of me, I will see to your legs and arms first.”  
I push the sheet up to her knees then start to remove the bandages which Mistress Proctor wound round her legs yesterday. They are stuck to the flesh so I moisten them and start to peel them away carefully. The wounds are deep into her flesh but show no sign of infection as far as I can tell, easing away the cloth causes them to bleed yet again but Susannah makes no sound even when I pull at the skin. I wash them, dry them and slather on the salve then wrap them with linen pads and bandages to keep them clean. The herb water is tainted with blood now so without a word to Susannah I go downstairs to fetch fresh.

The Mistress is busy with kneading dough, Abigail and Samuel are both seated at the table. Samuel works at his letters his tongue pokes from the corner of his mouth as he concentrates, Abigail hums away to herself as she plays with her toy horse such a delicate carving made by John’s large hands. But I well know how gentle those hands can be and the remembrance of it pains me. Elizabeth glances up at me as I enter the parlour. 

“I need fresh water Mistress” her only response is a curt nod, and she continues with her work. I walk through to the still room for the dried herbs and take as much time as I dare before heading back to the loathsome Susannah to finish cleaning and binding her wounds. All the time she snipes and digs at me until I want to scream or God help me take the whip to her again, and damn the consequences. Finally I am finished and help her into her shift.   
“Sit on the stool and wrap this around you”

As I hand her shawl across she swats my hand away. “I’m getting back into my bed”

“You are not, I’m stripping it on Mistress Proctor’s instructions. There’s a Buck wash to be done and your bed linens are the last, so sit. She hears the warning snarl in my voice and plonks herself down.  
“I’ll be back presently with the Master to bring in your bed frame” 

A deep frown sets on her brow. “Why So?”

“Mistress Proctor has decided that we should no longer share a room” 

Wobbling to her feet Susannah squawks at me “I am pleased that I shall no longer be tainted by being in the same room as you but it’s unfair, I’ve been here longer and by rights I should have the better room” I can feel the anger building in her then she gives a crazed giggle. “It’s of no matter I suppose” her sing-song voice grates on me. “John can visit and be alone with me in either place”   
She is triumphant now, grinning and hateful. I snatch up the linens and the bowl and scurry out of the room, I can’t bear to be near her. 

“I am finished with Susannah Mistress, her wounds are tended to and I have the linens.”

“Then you know what to do Girl” Clearly she has no wish to either look at or speak to me more than she needs to.  
I work at stretching the Bucking cloth over the top of the tub, before covering it with ashes. By the time I have spread them I am filthy and after pouring jug upon jug of hot water over them I am hot and sticky. Wisps of hair stick to my face and the front of my dress is wet through. Finally the tub is full and the linens covered with water, now they will steep until tomorrow. I clean myself up as best I can and make my way back to the parlour to help serve dinner.

John has returned from working on the farm and I can hardly bear to take my gaze from him as he shrugs out of his coat. “Take this up to Susannah” 

Elizabeth snaps at me to gain my attention and hands me a plate of food adding “Then change your dress Esther, you’re filthy and not fit to sit at table.”  
Bridling at the slight I face up to her “Mistress Proctor I have no other to wear, one is still wet from washing and the other.” I hesitate, then glare straight at her “The other as you well know is in tatters” without giving her chance to reply I spin round and almost crash into John, he shoots out his hand and grasps my arm to steady me. For one brief moment our eyes lock and what I see in that blue stare gives me hope. He loosens his grip so I can move past him to head up the stairs. My heart is a little lighter for having seen that soft look on his face.

Dinner is done and John helps me move the bed frame. We handle it through the doorways and set the mattress on it whilst Susannah perches on the stool simpering and fluttering her eyelashes in the hope John will acknowledge her. Finally he does but it is not in the way she expects.

“Are your wounds tended girl, has Esther done what she should?”

I see the pout forming on her mouth. “She has Master Proctor, though I should tell you it was not done kindly or gently” Oh that sweet cloying voice makes me shudder.  
“I’m sure Esther has done everything well, get you back into your bed and rest up, you will go into Salem with the rest of us on Saturday, the Mistress will need both of you to help.”

“But Master Proctor, surely I will not be well enough to go” she wheedles at him 

“You will, your Mistress says three more days at most, and Esther will tend to you every day” his tone is firm and she knows well enough not to argue so huffing and scowling she slides back into her bed.

I follow behind John as he leaves but as I close the door Susannah speaks quietly to me.

“Be mindful Esther Putnam you haven’t won yet, not by a long chalk.” Her voice is heavy with malice.

Hardly have I stepped into the corridor when I am grabbed by the arm and hauled into my own room, John has my hands held fast in his own but I pull away and step back from him keeping my eyes cast down. 

“Look at me Esther, I beg you my sweet bird, look at me”   
Raising my head I swallow hard when I see the wretched, tormented look on his features and the pain in his eyes, his voice wavers and hitches as he speaks.  
“Esther, I have not bedded Susannah, I have never laid a hand on her, you may believe that or not as you will, but believe when I say I had no choice but to punish you in some way. A harsher man would have turned the whip on you without a second thought.” 

The silence hangs thick and heavy between us there is one more thing I need to know but am almost afeared to ask. My voice is small and comes out in a croaky whisper.

“But do you still love me or no John Proctor? For if you do not then it would have been better that you had left me on the Boston road.”

“All that you need to know of me Esther, is that I will love you until God sees fit to take me. Nothing will change that” 

Oh that voice, could melt the snow from off the mountains and it pours over me, warming me as I step into the circle of his arms. His mouth is soft and gentle on mine, he nuzzles at my neck nipping lightly at the skin and I smile as he places his hand against my belly, there is a familiar gentleness in his look “Has the child quickened” 

“Yes John, your child is well and growing” Falling to his knees he wraps his arms around my hips and presses his face tight against me, I gently stroke his hair and watch as his broad shoulders rise and fall. Would that it could always be like this, just us two, or rather three of us.

“You must go John, Elizabeth will begin to fret and I have the rest of my chores to finish.” 

Settling his hands at my hips he raises himself up, cups my face in his hands, kisses me slowly, so slowly, drinking me in, and breathing the scent of me deep into him. I twine my arms around his neck and he whispers quietly to me his lips brushing against my ear as he speaks.  
“Though he may see fit to punish me for this, I promise before God Esther, yes before God, that I will never abandon you. Our child will be raised along with the other children in this house. You will have status here, you need have no fears on that score.” Another kiss, this one hard, searing, tongue against tongue, devouring each other, claiming each other. I push him away gently reminding him that there is still Samuels’s bed to move and that I have floors to scrub. Blue eyes bright with happiness look down on me. 

“Then we had best set too it Esther” he brushes his lips against my forehead and leads me into the corridor before slowly oh so slowly letting go of my hand. 

By Supper time I am all but spent, my back is stiff and my muscles ache like the devil. The day has been hard work from dawn ‘till dusk, there is still sewing to be done after we eat and I am so tired that my eyes feel as if they are full of sand. Tomorrow the Buck wash will continue, the still room is to be cleaned and scrubbed, herbs, medicines and lotions to be checked for taint and I must yet again tend to Susannah through the day.  
But rest comes easy and I fall asleep knowing that John is truly mine there is no doubt of it. As for Susannah she will soon see that she is nothing to Master John Proctor, nothing.


	18. John and Esther Part 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem! Susannah incites the people to rise up and Punish the Whore, obey the will of God and do his Justice. John defends Esther and Elizabeth stands by him.

The cleaning is finished, everything is ready for the arrival of Mistress Proctor’s child and though she may only have days to go before the birth she has has chosen to travel into Salem. For not only does she have household goods and food staples for the storeroom to buy, she will also call on Rebecca Nurse and other “Good” women to help her during the birth. John needs supplies and new tools for the farm and has business to conduct within the town.  
We are in the last week of March, early signs of spring are showing, we have had no snow or hard frost for days now and are fast heading towards the **New Year**. As I wait at front of the house for John to bring the waggon around I tilt my face up to the pale sun, the breeze has lost its biting edge and the air smells clean like freshly drawn water. Already the trees have a green fuzz blurring their outlines and the plum trees already show flower buds.  
I hear Susannah as she limps down the steps. Her bandaged legs are covered by her hose now, she walks past me towards the barn.

“You’ll not find Master Procter in there Susannah” She turns.

“And how would you know Whore?”  
“Because he’s just driven to the back of the house, there’s a block there and it’s easier for the Mistress.” Just then we hear the rumble of the wheels and the jangle of the harness.

Master Proctor has left the side of the waggon hanging down and Mistress Proctor is seated on the flat of the waggon with her back pressed against the front boards behind the driver’s seat. A folded quilt has been placed behind her, another wrapped around her legs and she wears her heavy cloak. Samuel sits up beside his father, Abigail snuggles against Elizabeth and I smile as she works her little legs beneath the cover.

John Calls down to us “Esther, Susannah, settle in the back, try and keep your Mistress steady the roads won’t be good.”

“Oh Master Proctor I can’t climb up there” Susannah whines. 

I have already clambered up, it can’t be any harder for her. I stretch my hand out to her “Susannah catch hold, give me your hand” 

 

“I need someone to lift me” 

“No you don’t, I managed it” Grumbling under her breath she makes the effort but barely and I haul her into the waggon then pull up the side and fasten the latches. 

Master Proctor takes the best route he can but still we bounce and rattle along. By the time we reach Salem Elizabeth looks pale and tense and John lifts her down bodily then holds her steady for a few moments until she finds her feet. I slide myself down next to him he thrusts his hand into his breeches pocket and unseen by anyone places two coins into the palm of my hand. 

Samuel heads off with his Papa and I smile to myself as I watch him trying to imitate John’s long, rolling stride. With Abigail clutching my hand we follow behind Mistress Proctor and Susannah.

“Esther, you go and do what you need to do, take Abigail with you and keep her close, I’ll take Susannah with me and she can carry my purchases back to the waggon while I visit with Goody Nurse.”

“Yes Mistress,” and with Abigail in tow I head for Thomas Martin’s to buy lawn, linen and threads. It is only then that I look at the coins. Two silver Pine Trees each with XII on the back, Two shillings. I gasp and silently thank him, for now I have the means to provide clothing for our child, for John’s child instead of having hand me downs.

Thomas Martin’s boy ties my goods into a bundle and as we step outside I sniff deeply at the scent of food, my mouth waters. Pasties, meat pasties, the vendor is standing on the corner and I buy a large one to share with Abigail. We laugh as the gravy drips down our chins and hands, we wipe it away then lick at our fingers with relish, it’s delicious. 

Abigail trots along beside me and when I get to the wagon I lift her up into the back and throw my package in after her. As I start to haul myself up a familiar voice shouts out, slicing through the hubbub of the market day crowd. 

“There she is, there, by the waggon see what I said is true, her belly is swollen with her bastard child. She is an Adulteress and should be dealt with”  
A cold shiver runs through me and as I slip my feet back to the ground my heart sinks and my stomach knots, for led by Susannah a group of townspeople are gathering, she sees me turn and yells again at the top of her voice.

“Whore, whore, whip the whore, brand her” Her voice has risen to a maniacal screech

The pious and devout close in on me and I notice that it is the women who lead the throng, whilst their stolid husbands lag behind. Their steely, forbidding silence fills me with more panic than any baying and yelling could.  
I step towards them, trying to keep them away from the waggon I do not want them near it, not with Abigail in there.

“Aye brand her, whip her through the town, stone her, she deserves no less.” Susannah shrieks out again as she rally’s the good folks of Salem against me. The Bitch means to have me out of her life, out of the household, perhaps even out of this world and into the next for even in these days an adulteress might be hanged, 

Oh the good Christian Folks of Salem will have justice done in the name of God.   
More townsfolk appear all curious at the noise. Amongst them are Constable Willard, Reverend Burrows and Bartholomew Gedney, worthies all. I am hemmed in and fearful but I will not show weakness to the pack, for that would surely be my downfall though I barely manage to keep the tremble from my voice.

“Do you all accuse me?” There is a low mumbling “Can any of you swear before God that you have done no wrong, committed no sin, how many husbands and wives here could just as easily be charged with adultery?” I rake my glance around the crowd, oh yes there are some amongst the rabble who cannot hold my gaze.

“Do not think to bandy words Esther Putnam” Reverend George Burrows steps forward and is toe to toe with me. “You are named a whore and an adulteress, what say you girl? His voice is low and threatening.

“I say nothing to you Reverend Burrows” My voice raises to a shout, “For if you wish to see me whipped through the town then you must put me before a Judge and he must decide.” Despite my seeming boldness I grow more afraid now and search deep to find some steel inside myself, I refuse to show my fear and I glare at Susannah and allow a small smile to curl my mouth.

“If you know so much, then why do you not tell them who the father is Susannah?” I call her bluff and she pales, “Name him” I step past the Reverend and jab my finger at her. I know she will not dare, for to accuse John Proctor as an adulterer would not serve her purpose and she would risk losing him.  
“I will tell you who the father is” I bellow and the crowd falls silent waiting to pick up on the scandal that will drip from my lips. As I look behind I see John making his way to me, he hoists Samuel onto the waggon and I wait until I am sure he is near enough to hear what I say.

“The father is a ships carpenter, he bedded me and he promised to wed me. A month later he was gone he went back to sea, he left a wife and child in port and me with a child in my belly, so tell me who is the adulterer?” I will never regret my lie and I ask no forgiveness for it.

I feel a cold, wet, stinging on my cheek as a clod of mud lands on my face, whoever has thrown it has taken care to hide a stone there. I look around, Susannah jerks her hands behind her back but she is not fast enough and I see her mud covered fingers. The sanctimonious women of Salem take their cue from Susannah. Another clod lands on me and another and another, stones in some but not in others but the large gobbets smack me on the face and body again and again. Suddenly I feel two hands in the small of my back and I am shoved forward to land sprawling in the mud, the mob closes in.

“Enough!” John’s voice roars out and rips the air, the crowd parts as he strides through.

“Esther can you stand?” 

“Yes Master Proctor” But as he gently helps me to my feet, I am aware of knowing glances rippling through the mob. Love, it seems cannot be easily disguised and I am fearful that I might have put John in peril.

“What is this about, why are you harrying my servant?” He demands his voice still booming.

“Esther Putnam is a whore Master Proctor and you are employing her in your household, she must be punished” George Burrows sets a sanctimonious look on his face.

John has a menacing, thunderous look on his face and his eyes are dark with fury as he rounds on Reverend Burrows and pokes him in the chest, glowering down at the smaller man.

“So this counts for your Christian teaching?”

Burrows pales but holds his ground against my beloved John

“I will not allow her to be tried and then whipped through the streets at your bidding, I will not allow her to be harried and what matters it to you if we should offer her a refuge, better that than being cast onto the streets.

“Master Proctor the law states”

“The Law be dammed Burrows” John furls his fists in the Reverend’s coat collar and almost lifts him off his feet, before speaking so quietly that the rest of the mob can’t hear.

“I say again, it will not happen and if you press me I might see fit to proclaim here and now what I know of you”

Reverend Burrows sneers. “Idle threats Master Proctor, I have nothing to fear.” 

John gives him a slightly sinister smile “How would it be George Burrows” he whispers “if I were to let these good townsfolk know of your fondness for the whores at the Tavern, how many bastards have you fathered now, I can call three to mind at least.” 

The Reverend blenches and he works his mouth furiously, though no words come out only a stifled groan. John still has him by his coat collar, still has him fixed with a fiery stare.

One nod is all it takes and John releases him. 

“Husband, what is amiss?” Elizabeth’s voice is low but it carries, though she sounds uneasy as she makes her way through the throng.

“It is of no matter now Elizabeth, the misunderstanding is cleared, is it not Reverend?”

“Indeed Mistress Proctor, A confusion regarding” he glances across at me “Regarding the state of Esther Putnam”

John’s voice drips with scorn “I have explained to the good Reverend that Esther has been ill served and that we have taken it upon ourselves to shelter and care for her.”

Elizabeth’s studies John’s face and then stares at Burrows.   
“What my Husband says is the truth Reverend, we will keep her as a ward of the family we will not see her cast out onto the streets.” Elizabeth feels her heart thudding in her chest for she has just denied her true feelings about Esther along with much that she holds dear, more than that she has sanctioned the adultery.  
“Who brought this charge Reverend?” she casts her eyes around the crowd and there at the front is Susannah. With a harsh voice she continues “I ask again who brought the charge?”   
“She is a whore Mistress and you know that is the truth of it” Susannah steps forward and halts beside Burrows, defiance written across her face.

“Reverend,” Elizabeth speaks more softly now a touch of sadness in her tone. “You must not set too much store by what Susannah says, she is crazy brained, not in her right mind and we give her the same protection as we give Esther, is that not showing true charity?”

“If you say so Mistress Proctor, if you say so” He turns to the crowd “Go about your business, this matter is ended” They break away slowly but there are knowing looks and mutterings of “Where there’s smoke there’s Fire”

“Susannah, get onto the waggon, come girl” Elizabeth holds out her hand “Come” and Susannah does. But tongues will surely wag, for all the while John has held me close with his arm around my shoulder and none but blind man could mistake the look in his eyes.

 

**At this time the Julian calendar was still in use and New Year’s Day was on March 25th Also known as Lady Day. The Gregorian calendar which was introduced in 1582 was not adopted by Most of the United States, Most of Canada and the United Kingdom and her colonies until 1752 and 11 days were removed**


	19. John and Esther Part 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth's "Lying In" and she breaks down in front of Goody Nurse. Susannah is confined to her room. In a house full of visitors, John and Esther throw caution to the wind.

Master Proctor lifts Elizabeth into the back of the waggon and waits until she is comfortable and settled before he climbs up into the driving seat. Even as we drive away there are curious glances cast in our direction by those folks who haven’t yet gone back to their own business. Suddenly Elizabeth cries out.

“John, we must go by Goody Nurse’s house she’ll need to come home with us” 

John slews around in his seat and looks down at Elizabeth. “The Child?”

“Aye John”  
“Then should you not stay with Goody rather than endure the rough ride to the farm?” There is genuine concern in his voice and a soft, gentle look on his face. But he has clearly forgotten that it isn’t wise to argue with a woman in this state

“John Proctor, our child will be born in its own home as is right and proper”

John smiles “As you will Elizabeth” and he drives the waggon down towards Goody Nurses’ house.

For a woman of advancing years Rebecca Nurse is quick witted and sprightly and soon has everything she needs gathered together, she speaks quietly to Elizabeth and satisfied that all is well makes for the front of the waggon.  
“I’ll ride up beside you and Samuel Master Proctor”

“Surely you would t be more comfortable in the back, you might not feel the jolting and jostling so much.”

“John Proctor I am old not infirm, this will suit me well enough and your wife will take no harm, I can climb down to her if need be.” John smiles at this small, wiry woman who is a force of nature. “Now kindly drive me to the Lewis house I need to call for young Mercy Lewis. She can do the running around for me, your girls will have enough to do as it is, then to Elizabeth Hubbard’s if you please and she will call out to the others” 

John nods, though he grows cold at the thought of a knot of bustling women in the house, but it is the way of things and in this matter he has no say at all. It is pointless to argue with the formidable Goody Nurse and so he sets off towards the Lewis home.

To be back at the farm and shake off the horror of the morning is a relief. Susannah has not looked me in the eye the whole way back but has stared down at her lap as she picked at the edge of her shawl. I unlatch the waggon side and between us we shuffle and slide the Mistress to the edge.   
“Susannah you will help Esther unload the household goods but when you’re done girl you will get yourself to your room and Esther will bring your supper to you for I have no wish to see you again today. John’s jaw is firm, his countenance dark as he warns her “I will have no more of this behaviour and I shall think hard on your punishment.”

“But Master Proctor, John” she wheedles at him. 

“No we have all suffered enough of your nonsense, there is to be no more Susannah, you heard me well enough, now do as you’re bid” John growls and the look of hatred he flashes has her shrinking back from him. Carefully he lifts Elizabeth from the waggon and caries her inside with the children trotting at his heels.

Goody Nurse and Mercy follow him and neither seem to find the Proctor’s sleeping arrangements strange, for many men sleep apart from their wives when pregnancy is well on. John lays his wife gently on the bed and tenderly pushes back a wisp of hair that has escaped from her head covering. For all that has passed between them she is still is wife and is soon to be delivered of his child. 

“Now go Master Proctor you have no place here,” Goody smiles at him. “Lying In” is women’s work we’ll take turns to sleep on the truckle, you’d best make your own arrangements, should I want for anything I’ll call or send down to you, oh except that if you could see to bringing some extra chairs for the others. “Mercy, go with Master Proctor and have one of the girls show you where everything is in the stillroom. “Mercy drops a bob curtsey and follows him out of the room”

“Now let’s have you settled Elizabeth” She helps her to strip down and pull on a clean shift then props her up on the pillows and draws the covers up around her. Rebecca settles herself in the chair beside the bed and takes hold of Elizabeth’s hand, hesitating a little before she speaks “Elizabeth, I can feel the disquiet in this house, it hangs around like a fog, will you tell me the truth of it?”

Elizabeth Proctor squeezes her eyes tight shut as she feels the tears welling, but still they slide from the corners of her eyes to run down the sides of her face and drip on the pillow. The whole story, comes tumbling out, right from her carrying someone else’s child when she married John to the uproar in the town. Goody Nurse presses a kiss to Elizabeth’s cheek and gives her a motherly smile. “In truth Elizabeth, there was barely a soul in the town who believed the child to be Johns, I for one never did, but they let it go. Do they love each other, John and Esther?”

Elizabeth is shocked by the forthright question, but gives a tight, watery smile. “Oh from the day she arrived Rebecca and he has never once looked at me the way he looks at her, that soft smile, that light in his eyes, try as he might he can’t hide it” she chokes back a sob. 

“Well for good or ill Elizabeth, it seems the two of you have made your position plain and it will not sit well with the worthies of the town, they may not let this pass. I doubt the Reverend will let it drop for that man is meaner and more vicious than a terrier with a rat. As for Susannah you need to keep that girl away from stirring up the townsfolk and away from Esther. But John will love your child, have no fear about that. She closes her hand tight around Elizabeth’s in a gesture of comfort. 

I show Mercy Lewis around the still room, she’s a bright girl and it’s easy to see why Goody Nurse has taken her on, she learns fast and listens rather than talks and when she does speak it’s to ask a question or say something sensible. We head back to the parlour where I load a large platter with apples, cheese, bread, sweet butter and three beakers, then draw off a jug of small beer “Supper will be a while and who knows if you will even have time for it, this should tide you over just call down should Mistress Proctor favour something other.”

Our fingers touch but briefly and as I pass her the platter Mercy gasps aloud and almost lets it fall to the floor, her face has paled her eyes are wide.  
“Mercy, what ails you?” I am worried for she’s trembling as she backs away from me.

Sweet little Mercy Lewis, her large, amber eyes seem full with many lifetimes of knowledge and they are locked on me. She leans in closer and whispers “Miss Esther, I beg you to take care, be prudent and cautious, please” with that she turns on her heel and bustles upstairs, a coldness washes over me and settles around my heart. So I walk across to where John sits with Samuel and Abigail close by him, just the nearness of him calms me. He has brought in the cradle and is hanging it from a stand so that Elizabeth can easily rock it from her bed. 

“Did you make that Master Proctor?” 

He smiles but his eyes are sad “Yes Esther I made for”, he hesitates, “For our firstborn and it was used for these two in their turn.” 

I stroke my fingers across the smooth polished oak, it is beautiful in it’s simplicity. As I look down at him, down into those bluest of eyes, he knows my unspoken thought and unseen by the children he rests his hand gently against my hip and whispers “No Esther, there will be a new one for you.”   
“Thank you my love” I mouth rather than speak the words and grasp his hand lifting it quickly to press the palm against my lips. But I break the moment as I must.

“Master Proctor, do I have your permission to go and bathe before supper and make ready for the Sabbath” 

“Aye Esther, go to it,” there is a warmth in his look and were the children not here I would wrap my arms around him and kiss him so hard I should bruise his lips. I haul the tub up the stairs and as I head back to the parlour for hot water I hear Elizabeth crying out. It has begun.

Pitcher in hand I walk past Susannah’s partly opened door she is waiting and steps into the corridor to grab hold of my arm, I slop hot water down my dress and onto the floor   
“I am not done with you yet Esther Putnam, be sure of it, you will rue the day you met John Proctor” She scuttles back to her room and slams the door behind her.

I struggle to unlace my dress, but rather than entrust myself to Susannah or disturb Mercy I will manage as best I can. It is only when I am naked and kneeling before the tub that a deep crushing fear rips through me. The memory of the morning, of what might have happened and of Susannah’s new threat takes hold, I begin to sob and shake. What I would give to have John’s arms around me now, but there are others in the house and we must take care. I stroke my hands gently over my belly and it calms me “No one will harm you little one, no one, Papa and me we, will always see you’re kept safe and sound.”

Donning my clean clothes I lean out of the window to shake the worst of the dried mud from dress I wore this morning, the remainder is picked off and brushed away, there is hardly a mark left.

Down in the parlour John hears is a chattering commotion outside the house which turns into a thudding on the main door and as John opens it wide, four of Goody Nurse’s neighbours glide inside like Merchant ships in full sail. Elizabeth Hubbard, Sarah Bibbir, Martha Carey and Alice Parker each carrying a cloth bundle.

“Master Proctor, Good evening to ye”

John smiles “Mistress Hubbard, Ladies” Their ages run from 22 to 60 but there isn’t a one of them can take their eyes from the handsome John Proctor. “Will you sit while Esther brings you some food, we are about to take supper”

Alice Parker waves away the suggestion “No but thank you for your kindness Master Proctor we will not impose, and have brought some victuals of our own, so if it is no trouble we shall go up now.” and one after the other they sweep past as stately as Duchesses.

I serve out the supper for John and the children and a plate for Susannah. As I move to take it up to her John calls after me. “Esther when you leave, lock her in and bring me the key” 

When Susannah hears the key being turned in the lock she flings herself at the door screaming and hammering at the wood. It makes no difference the door will not give and her noise is lost in Elizabeth’s moans and screams.

Supper is taken in silence, between us we take the children up to their beds and settle them for the night, as we leave Samuels room John catches hold of me and in the dim light of the corridor slips his arms around my waist drawing me in towards him.  
“There is no more for you to do Esther, you may go to your bed” he drops a gentle kiss and moans softly against my lips, then more kisses, nips along my jaw and back to my mouth slipping his tongue against mine as he slides his right hand down to my breast stroking and teasing at the nipple beneath the cloth sending waves of heat and desire through me. There is already a deep throbbing ache between my thighs. 

I am the first to pull away, “John we must take care, please my love we must. As he lifts his head I see his eyes are almost black surrounded by a narrow band of bright blue. He drops one more tender kiss to my lips then, makes his way back down to the parlour pausing only briefly beside his chamber.  
I am already in my bed when I hear a faint knock at my door then a second. I leap up flinging the covers back and stumble forward as my feet catch in them. The babe must be coming and I yank the door wide ready to do Goody Nurse’s bidding. I have already stepped through when I realise John is there in front of me a large jug in his hands, “You have the tub Esther, I need to bathe. He lifts the vessel slightly and my breath burns and hitches in my chest as he latches his eyes to mine. I can’t speak and this could be a dangerous venture but what can I do save stand aside and let him enter?

John throws the waste water from the window, and fills the tub with fresh. As I sit cross legged on the end of my bed he kneels and hauls off his shirt. We do not speak, we have not spoken since he entered the room, for if we do it is as if the spell will break and wheels will be set in a motion that cannot be stopped. John snatches up the cloth and holds it out towards me. I am rooted I dare not move but he does not drop his arm and his mouth turns up at the corner in a slight shy smile. Suddenly I am on my knees before him and I gently move the cloth over his body feeling the contours of his hard muscles beneath the cloth, the warmth of his flesh beneath my fingers, I begin to cry and my chest heaves and burns. I cry for the child I am carrying, for John, for the cruelty of a God who has put us in this place and left us to wade through this turmoil. John hauls me against him and my tears mingle with the water on his chest.

“Hush now Esther, Hush.” I feel his lips warm against the top of my head, the heat of his body seeping through my shift as he rocks me in his arms and holds me ever tighter. With one swift motion he pulls me to my feet lifts me up and lays me in the bed. I watch through heavy lidded eyes as he locks the door and sets the key on my keep chest before stripping off his breeches and sliding in beside me. I feel the gentle strength of his arms wrapped round me, the hardness of his chest against my cheek, the warmth of his breath against my hair, our legs tangle locking us together. I am content simply to drift to sleep in the circle of his arms, with the sounds of Elizabeth’s agony swirling in the distance.


	20. John and Esther Part 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goody is a sensible Woman, she knows how the land lies, and knows where John lies also. A new life is on the way. John has made his decision.

Elizabeth could well have taken to her confinement bed a month ago but she has no truck with that, she is a farmer’s wife and there is always work to be done besides she could not have endured being enclosed into the one room for so long. The short time she will spend in this stifling place will be more than enough, it is hot and fetid with the scent of sweat, wood smoke and pungent herbs cast into the flames.

Martha Carey emerges from the covers tented over Elizabeth’s raised knees. “I doubt she will be much longer.  
Rebecca nods,“That would be my feeling Martha, the last two were birthed quickly enough, and so far this labour has been short so pray to God this one will be just as easy.  
Elizabeth’s skin is slick with sweat, her thin shift clings to her body and the strands of hair escaping from her coif stick to her face. Rebecca Nurse presses a cool damp cloth against Elizabeth’s forehead.   
“All is well but do not push though, no matter what do not push until I tell you” 

Elizabeth writhes in agony and Rebecca’s words are all but lost as she screams long and hard.

“Is it time to call Master Proctor Rebecca?”

“Aye, it won’t harm to fetch him” but as Martha makes for the door Goody Nurse stops her.

“No I shall go, bide you here I’ll not be long, Mercy and the others will be back soon they are only in the stillroom” 

“Do you know where he is?”

Goody Nurse waved the question away with a flick of her hand “Oh I expect he will have thrown a mattress into Samuels’s room so as to be nearby”  
She knew that was not so, she knew he would be with Esther in her chamber wherever that was.

My bed is narrow and none too long; Tall and well-muscled John takes up almost all the space and when I wake in the night we are lying on our sides. John has his legs hitched up high, the fronts of his thighs pressing against the backs of mine as we nestle tightly together. His breath is soft and warm against my hair and I feel the steady beat of his heart, the rise and fall of his chest against my back. I am sheltered and safe in his arms, his right hand rests gently over mine our fingers laced together as between us we cradle my growing belly. My breath hitches in my throat but not from sadness from joy. Simply to lie in a bed with my beloved John is more than I could ever have hoped for. He drops a gentle kiss to my hair and I twist and turn to face him.

“Esther if you wriggle and flail much more it is likely one or the other of us will fall out of bed and end up splintering our arse on the floor boards!” He flops onto his back and laughing softly, hauls me up to lie halfway across his chest then plants a kiss on the top of my head, I am suddenly aware that flesh touches flesh, I am naked. 

“John, my shift?

Another gentle laugh rumbles in his chest “Don’t look to me, I remember some nonsense muttered about you being too hot and it getting caught beneath me” He wraps his arms even more tightly around me and as my eyes grow accustomed to the dim light I make out his glittering eyes. Shuffling across a little more I lay myself atop him and crawl up so that I can reach his mouth, we kiss so softly, his tongue gently tracing my lips sends shivers through me. I open my mouth to him and straddle his hips and as I rest my hands either side of his head my name escapes his lips in a soft moan. His large calloused hands rest for a moment on my thighs before he ghosts his fingers up and down over my hips and sides. Each time he reaches my breasts he kneads them gently and groans as he cups them feeling the weight in his hands. Calloused thumbs stroke across my nipples and as he pinches and twists at them I fling my head back gasping at the fire shooting through me and settling between my thighs. The heat swirls in me and it surges more and more with each pass of his thumbs and each tweak of those sensitive points. Slowly I start to slide back and forth over his hardened cock him and I feel him grow harder still beneath the slick wetness of my cunny, feeling the sweet, painful ache of pleasure as I start to move harder and faster against him.

“I love you John Proctor” 

As he stars to speak he reaches up to lace his hands through my hair and the purr which has been hanging in his chest turns to a growl. “Esther I...”

Whatever he is about to say is stopped in his mouth as the sound of pattering feet and slamming doors harmonises with Elizabeth’s wails drifting and rolling along the corridor. Without a moment lost we are out of the bed and pulling on our clothes.

Goody Nurse picks up one of the lanterns from the chamber and then makes her way along the corridor checking each door in turn, frowning a little as she feels the resistance of a locked door.   
At the sound of the rattling Susannah hurtles out of bed and darts across to the door to tug fiercely at the handle. “Let me out, Let me out please unlock my door” she is screaming and sobbing  
“You are there for a reason child but I can’t let you out child I do not have the key nor would I if I had.” and Rebecca Nurse walks away to the sound of Susannah yelling at the top of her lungs as she bangs and brays on the wooden planks.

Though she may be old Rebecca Nurse is not deaf and as she approaches the door at the end of the corridor hears the click of the key being turned the lock. Once, twice she knocks and Esther cracks open the door to peer out.

“I would speak with Master Proctor Esther”

I open my mouth, ready to deny that John is there but the all-knowing Goody Nurse steps forward and pushes the door open.

“There is no need to spin me a tale Esther, I know full well he is with you” I stand aside to let her pass then close the door softly behind her.  
I am before her bare footed, hair unbound and dress unlaced whilst John, still stripped to his waist is fastening his belt around his britches. We stand silent and wary, I feel my face flush, and even John has the grace to look down at his feet as we wilt under her gaze. We look like no more than a pair of wayward youngsters caught fumbling and groping in the barn.

When she speaks Rebecca’s voice is firm but kindly “Though I know what is between the two of you, it is neither my business nor my place to pass judgement; you must bear the outturn of it as best you can, her voice is calm and level. Holding the lantern high she steps forward and places her free hand on my belly and like Mercy Lewis, her breath catches in her throat. There is something in her look that chills me as she blinks and swallows hard. I lean in towards John and lace my fingers through his. Goody Nurse sets the lantern on the floor from where it casts eerie shadows around the room. Wrapping both of her small gnarled hands around our two she passes her glance from John to me and back again, I see that her eyes are bright, glittery, she tightens her grip for a moment more and then steps back.

“John, Elizabeth is very near her time now and we shall need the cradle soon”

“It is ready down in the parlour, I shall fetch it and leave it outside the door for you”

Before she leaves, Rebecca Nurse halts in the doorway and smiles but it is a mask, her eyes give the lie for there is great sadness there. “God keep you both safe” She pulls the door closed behind her. The hairs stand up on my arms and I suddenly feel cold.

John pulls on his shirt and then laces me up, the fabric strains across my ever growing breasts and soon for modesty’s sake I shall need to sew a placket into the back of my dress. When he is done he slides his arms around me pulling me back against him.

“Sweet Christ but you are beautiful Esther my love, so beautiful.”

I shiver again and he clasps me even closer with his strong arms. I tilt my head back against him and as we stand in the quiet calmness of my room I wonder if this will be the manner of our lives now. Will John spend his nights with me, or will he return to his own chamber and what of Susannah how will he deal with her? Surely he will keep her within the household for to cease her employment and cast her out would only leave her free to make more mischief.

“Are we safe John, will the townsfolk leave us be and let us live out our lives now?”

I feel his chest rise and fall thrice before he speaks, the answer is slow in coming and it is not the answer I would have wished to hear. But John would sooner upset me with the truth than comfort me with a lie and his voice is raw as he speaks softly.

“No my love, I fear that they will beset and beleaguer us whenever they can, they will not leave us be. We must be ready Esther, ready for whatever they may lay on us. It is certain they know that I am the father of your child. How could they not when when I came to your aid and defended you. It will matter naught to them that Elizabeth also stood fast for you.”

I begin to cry silently but John knows for he feels the sobs juddering through me and turns me to face him cradling my head against his chest.

“Why can they not let us be and leave us in peace, Elizabeth has resigned herself and you will never abandon her or the children.”

His beard is soft against my hand and as I lay it against his face he kisses the palm.

“We offend them Esther, we scandalize them and we are an affront to God so must be punished in some way and believe me when I say they will find a way”

my hands against his face I stand on tiptoe and stretch up to kiss him, a soft brushing of our lips which deepens and deepens, open mouthed our tongues snaking against each other, our lips raked between each other’s teeth until they are bruised and swollen. Each of us taking and then giving back harder and more fierce than the other as we cling to each other frantic, fearful, desperate, until almost breathless and with chests heaving we pull apart.

“You must fetch the cradle John else Goody Nurse will be back at this door”

“Come down and sit with me Esther, I have no wish to be alone”

The door squeaks slightly on it’s hinges as John makes his way to the corridor, a few moments later I follow and make my way down to the parlour my footsteps masked by the animal screams and wails coming from Elizabeth’s chamber.  
As John takes the cradle upstairs, I coax the fire back to life and pour him a beaker of beer setting it on the hearth.

He drops his long frame into his chair by the fire, and holds out his hand to me. Without thought that the Goodwives might see us, I settle myself on his lap and curl against his chest as his steady breathing and the feel of his cheek against my hair lulls me into a quiet doze, heedless of Elizabeth’s howls and screams.


	21. John and Esther Part 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Thomas Proctor. Intentions are mad clear and fate may be sealed

The door to the Proctor’s chamber is flung wide and the noise of it slamming back rouses me from my sleep. I shift on Johns lap and he groans as I elbow him in the ribs.

“John, John, wake up, I think Elizabeth must be very near her time” the words are barely out of my mouth when I hear her screams. 

Rebecca’s voice cuts over the savage cry.  
“Mercy and Alice you go down to the parlour, I need more water and cloths and we will need fresh bedlinens”

I slide from Johns lap and as he shakes himself awake, I rake and build the fire and set the already warm water to boil as Mercy clatters into the room.

“Miss Esther we need some..” I cut her short

“Don’t worry Mercy, I have the water roiling on the fire, it won’t be long and I’ll go and fetch you some cloths, “Alice the bedlinens are over there” I point to the oak press pushed against the far wall “Just take what you need”

**“Oh Master Proctor, Goody Nurse did bid me ask if you have a name of choice for the child?”**

John, yawns rubs his hands over his face then pushes them back through his hair as he stares sleepily at Alice Parker.  
“You may tell Goody Nurse that if the child is a boy then he is to be named Thomas, if a girl then I favour Sarah” He smiles across at me and I wonder what names he has in mind for our child.

Alice and Mercy gather what they need and head back upstairs, but before she leaves Mercy Lewis halts in the doorway and looks back at us then smiles as closes the door quietly behind her. John pulls me to him and I stand with my head and hands pressed against his chest as he wraps me in his arms. The only light comes from the fire and one lantern, it casts his face into deep shadow and the hollows of his eyes are dark and dull. He is a man at odds with the world and with himself.

Broad shoulders rise and fall as he breathes deeply blowing out his breath.

“What a path I have led you on Esther, can you, will you forgive me for drawing you into this turmoil?” 

I push myself away and stand back from him.

“I took no leading John Proctor and don’t you ever think that I did.” My voice is harsher than I mean it to be “You have not dragged me behind you, I have walked beside you all the way”  
On tiptoe I reach up, place my hands against his cheeks and kiss him softly, I breathe in his scent, taste his lips and feel the heat of his body pressed firm against mine.  
“Don’t you dare ever feel sorry for me John Proctor, don’t you dare”

“Oh My sweet girl, my love, would that I might have called you my wife”  
“Hush John” I press my fingers against his lips to quieten him. “It will never happen and we both know that to be the truth”

My blood warms in my veins as he brushes his lips against my ear then follows it with gentle kisses down my neck to my throat. I moan softly and tilt my head back giving him more pale flesh to cover with his mouth as his hands firm and sure, sweep down to the small of my back and on over the curve of my arse pressing me firmly against him and all to the strains of Elizabeth’s howls.

As we cling to each other, the house suddenly falls into an eerie silence, it lasts only for a few moments before the lusty, resentful squall of a child echoes around the upper floor.

Within moments the world is in turmoil, rapid footsteps, raised voices, Elizabeth Hubbard clatters into the room without thought, nor apology, her arms full of soiled linen. I manage to step back from John before she notices our embrace.

“What can I help you with Elizabeth?” I take the stained cloths from her.

“If you please, I need more hot water and Goody Nurse asks that Master Proctor go up” she nods towards the stairs.

I see the sweet smile on John’s lips the softness in his eyes, a healthy child is a gift from God. So many babes are taken too soon so who can blame him for feeling relieved and fortunate. I for one cannot. 

“Master Proctor I know it is early but should I begin to prepare breakfast? The Goodwives will be due their **special meal**

“Aye Esther do that and I think that even though it is the Lords day we can cast the usual rules aside, you have my permission to cook and serve something hot and spare them nothing give them only the best” With that he goes up to the chamber and Elizabeth Hubbard stomps behind him as make my way to the back room to go and steep the bedclothes.

Goody Nurse greets John at the chamber door, a satisfied smile on her face, “Master Proctor, you have a fine healthy son” she stands aside to let him pass. As he steps into the room the scent of herbs and sweat and God knows what else catches in his throat and makes his eyes water, the heat of the room presses against him and almost makes him reel backwards.  
Elizabeth Proctor is propped up on her pillows and though her face is pale, it is lit by a sweet smile that reaches her eyes. The child in her arms is clean, fed and bound in his swaddling bands and she holds him against her rocking him slightly.   
“We have a son John, you have a son.” and she raises him up to his father. For a moment John does not move then he steps towards the bed and takes the child from her to cradle him against his chest. Such a small thing, so tiny against his large hands, but there is no mistaking the tenderness as John holds him close. The Goodwives look on, proud that their work has been done and done well.

“Welcome Thomas, welcome,” he presses a kiss to the babes head and Thomas squirms against the hardness of Johns chest then screws up his face and looks like nothing so much as a squished, wrinkled, red beet. A shuddering breath and the youngest Master Proctor bellows loud and long in fury and contempt at having been taken from his mother. John laughs, his deep rich laugh echoing around the room.  
“You have fine lungs my boy, there’ll be no problem for calling in the kine when the time comes.”  
As he settles on the edge of the bed and passes the child back to his wife, John feels a warmth in his heart, he does not love Elizabeth, he cannot love her, but there is compassion and affection for her, for all they have endured together and he leans in to press a kiss to her forehead. “Rest now Elizabeth, build up your strength” 

“Thank you Rebecca for all you have done, Esther is cooking hot food for you all when you are ready”

“John” Elizabeth cuts in “cooking and working on the Lords Day, you know that should not be so, do you not take the girls and children to Church?”  
“Elizabeth, you have just borne me a son, these good women have been with you through the night, I do not think the Lord will see it as much of a slight, or judge us too harshly if we neglect him for one Sabbath, I will send Esther and Susannah up with your food”

John leaves the chamber and makes his way to Esther’s room, there he snatches up the key to Susannah’s door and with no fuss and no words he simply turns the key in the lock and then returns to the parlour.

Busy with cooking for the increased household I do not hear John come back into the room and do not know he is there until he wraps his arms around me and kisses the back of my neck.

“Is the child well John?”

“A son Esther, a son and yes he is well” 

Setting down my spoon I turn in the circle of his arms. “I am happy for you John, a strong child is a blessing and a son doubly so. Is Elizabeth well?”

“Aye, well and thriving, the Goodwives have kept them both safe”

“God be praised for that” 

“Do you have names in your mind for our child?”

“There is time yet” But of course he has, the boyish smile on his face tells me so “Though I thought Nathaniel for a boy and Rebecca if a girl”  
I frowned at him, “No, not Nathaniel, he will be John after his father but I do like Rebecca I like it very much”  
The smile on his face broadens, the years seem to fall from him and the careworn frown slips away, he is so handsome. I breathe in deeply as he tightens his arms around me and I ask the question I must have an answer to.

“Will you go back to your own chamber from now John, back to Elizabeth?” I try to keep any note of whining or neediness from my voice, but I can’t keep the sadness from creeping in.

John rests he cheek against my head and pulls me tighter into an embrace so firm I can hardly breathe. His shirt is rough and scratchy beneath my cheek and my lips rest just at the point where it opens, so I press them to his chest, the hairs on his chest tickle at my nose. Working the cloth to the side I kiss his skin again then feel his breath hitch as I bite at his nipple then lave at it with my tongue to soothe the raked flesh.

“Esther!” his lust filled growl makes me giggle against him, but the sound stops in my throat as I catch sight of Susannah out the corner of my eye.   
Drawing in my breath I try to wriggle free from John but he has already looked across following my gaze.  
Susannah stands just inside the doorway and though her arms hang loosely at her sides her hands are clenched, balled into tight, white knuckled, fists. On her face is an expression of pure hatred.

I try to squirm away again, but John’s grip is too strong, he glares across at Susannah, then moves his right hand from my back and cups my chin tipping my head back slightly. I see the sweet gentle smile flicker on his lips before he claims my mouth again in a kiss so deep and warm it makes my blood sing. John has made clear his intent.

Though my heart is filled with such joy, in my head I know we must have surely sealed our fate.

 

 

** At this time Midwives were given authority by the church to baptise/christen infants should the need arise. The minister would give instruction periodically to ensure that the women were using the correct words and the correct form**  
** After the child was born and taken care of, the new mother and her female companions would enjoy a special meal provided by the husband sometimes other women from the community would partake**


	22. John and Esther Part 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's temper snaps, Susannah is dismissed there will be trouble.

We no longer speak to each other Susannah and I, we cannot bear to waste our breath on the words and we step carefully around one another other each in our own little world and after three days it sends John crazy. Because It’s “Master Proctor, will you ask Susannah this?”, “Master Proctor will you tell Esther that?” Finally at super time he snaps and flings his platter right into the fire, the wood sizzles and food splatters everywhere. 

“STOP!” He slams his hands on the table as he pushes himself to his feet, his voices bounces from the walls. He continues in a softer but no less forbidding voice hissing the words at us “I will have no more of this, you behave yourselves both on you”.

I swallow hard and I can’t meet Johns hot angry stare, for know full well I’m as guilty as Susannah in this but I can’t bear to speak to her.

“It is not just I Master Proctor, Esther bears as Much Blame”

“Esther does not harry you from dawn ‘till dusk Girl, she does not need to be locked in her room at night for fear she will cause harm.”

Susannah sneers at John, her eyes hard and blazing. “Pray tell Master Proctor, what harm could I cause Esther in the small hours when she is wrapped safe and warm in your arms?” I see a faint colouring rise in John’s cheeks and he clenches his jaw. 

Her voice changes, softens. “Give her up John”, Susannah purrs his name and steps towards him to lay her hand on his arm but he jerks it away as if bitten by something poisonous and Susannah is truly poisonous.

“Susannah if you cannot behave, if you cannot live and work in peace in this household, then you must leave and take employment elsewhere."

She takes a step back and gasps at John’s words.

“I mean it girl, if you do not reconcile yourself to the way things are. I will pack you off without word nor warning."Susannah sets her feet apart and stands solid, glaring at John now as she takes in a deep breath, then lets it out slowly.

“If that is what you wish Master Proctor then let it be so, for in truth have neither liking nor desire to stay in this house a moment longer with that woman, that slut who carries your child. The pair of you are an affront to God”. She tilts her chin flashing a hard look at John but the stare she shoots at me is dark and evil. For a moment John says nothing, then he takes in a deep breath as he tries to quell the anger rising in him, he swallows hard then speaks quietly to her. 

“Then that is up to you Susannah I will not hold you here if you wish to go, but I remind you that what happens in this house is not your business, nor the business of anyone else. 

“You are wrong Master Proctor for it is the business of the Church, the committee and the council.

“Susannah you may leave this house, go pack your things now”

She gives a sly little bob curtesy then spins on her heel and makes her way up stairs.

I dare not speak, but take the platters through to the stillroom and busy myself in there out of sight of John, I can’t bear to see him so angry. I hear him shuffling around in the parlour and when I come back through he is seated at the table writing. He glances up at me, his face is not so set and hard and there is a little more warmth in his eyes.

“This is for Susannah, I will not see her cast off with nothing she has served us well in the past”

“You will give her a note of character?”

“I will, and she can send back here for the rest of her belongings when she finds a place”

“But where can she go tonight?” I asked, although cared not whether she slept in a ditch or no. “It’s too far to walk to Salem or Boston”

John huffed “And you would know that Esther my love” He took hold of my hand, pressed the back of it to his lips and nipped at the skin.  
“She can sleep in the small barn then be on her way tomorrow, I will not have her in the house one more night,”

“The Mistress will need to have someone to take Susannah’s place John”

“Aye, I will speak on it with Elizabeth, perhaps Mercy Lewis would suit, she would be a good help for, though it must first be agreed with Goody Nurse after all she is training the Girl in healing skills and may not want to lose her”.

“Shall I set you out some more supper John?”

“No, I have no appetite”. He takes up the quill and continues writing the note for Susannah.

I set to clearing everything away and laying ready as much as I can for tomorrow, for tomorrow is the Sabbath and no work and no cooking can be done and we must all be at church. Elizabeth will not go but Goody Nurse and the Goodwives will be there, as will John as will John and of course Thomas for it will be his Christening day. Tomorrow should be such a joyful day but in my heart I know it won’t be. It will be a trial and I don’t want to be there.  
When Susannah returns she carries her neatly tied bundle, and a strapped across her back is a small pack like a pedlars pack. John folds up the paper, drips wax onto it and presses a coin onto it to seal it. 

“I would not dismiss you without giving you this Girl, when you have found a places and are settled then send back here and I will make sure the rest of your chattels are sent on to you. You must understand I cannot have you in this house causing such disquiet”   
“Esther”. John looks up at me. “Fetch Susannah some coverlets”. He turns to her “You may sleep in the small barn tonight and tomorrow you will ride into town with us but after that I don’t want to see your face again Susannah, do you understand me?”

She nods, takes the note from him, slides it under her dress and into her pocket for safekeeping. Without another word she heads for the door, I step across and open it wide for her parting act is to smile a mean feral smile at me, then she spits full in my face. I slam the door behind her, then turn and put my back against before I slide down to the floor sobbing. 

“Easy now Esther, she is gone” He lifts me up holding me firm against him, then pulls the covering from my hair and buries his face into the soft curls as I sob against his chest. His mouth is warm against my neck as he kisses up to my jaw and his lips burns searing and hot against mine. Open mouthed our tongues slide one against the other as I cling to him. Even in the safety of John’s arms I can’t rid myself of the feeling that though she may be gone from the house she is surely not gone from our lives.

It is five days since the birth and with the certainty that Mistress Proctor bears no signs of childbed fever, Rebecca Nurse will allow the other Goodwives to leave after supper. As arranged, Master Bibbir will call and as all is well he will take them back with him. Only Rebecca and Mercy will stay, for the Mistress will remain abed for 3 weeks more. I call the ladies to their meal and they burst into the room fluffing and flapping like mother hens. As I set table I catch sight of John and I feel the heat rise in my cheeks as he flashes me a soft smile, then excuses himself and goes to speak with Elizabeth. It’s clear that the smile did not go unnoticed by the chattering ladies.

When he returns John has Thomas in his arms, the child seems so small and fragile cradled against John’s broad chest but he is so gentle with him and the look of joy on his face make’s me hitch my breath. I smile in remembrance of him carving the horse for Abigail, such fine delicate work from those large farmer’s hands. Then I feel a tingling heat course through me as I think on how gentle the touch of his fingers feels on me, be they calloused or not, when he strokes them against my skin, and searches out my secret places. 

“Goody Nurse I would speak with you in private”, “Esther, will you take Thomas for a while”, he passes the boy to me and they move to the far end of the room as I sit at table with the child in my arms. I know all eyes are on me, on my loose hair, my belly, my straining dress. They say nothing with their mouths but their eyes speak their thoughts and it heartens me to see that there is no malice there. In moments it is decided that Mercy will join the Proctor household. After the christening she will return to her home, collect her belongings and return here along with Goody Nurse.

Although it is late when Master Bibbir arrives, John insists he takes a mug of ale and toast the arrival of Thomas. The ladies take their leave and as measure of his respect and thanks John presents each of them with a purse of coins. Mercy and Rebecca have already gone back up to Elizabeth taking Thomas with them, leaving us alone in the parlour for the first time in days and the house is strangely quiet now.

“Go up to bed Esther”. He has hauled on his coat ready to go and make his last check of the farm and the stock. 

“John”, I cross over to him and lay my hand against his cheek “Please be mindful of Susannah, she will not give up so easily”.  
His answer is to haul me into, him but is kiss is soft and gentle. His hands roam slowly over my body, cupping and squeezing at my breasts, teasing at the dugs through the cloth then ghosting down my back and over the curve of my arse pressing my hips hard into him. I can feel his cock stiffening against me and crawl one hand up his back grabbing at the cloth of his coat the other is firm around his neck. Our soft moans are lost in the breaths we pass and repass into each other’s mouths and my blood sings and my heart aches for the need of him.

“I will not be too long Esther and Susannah is of no account” his lips part in a tender smile that reaches his eyes. Eyes that are dark and hot and when they lock onto mine I shiver with pleasure as my cunny grows wet and that familiar ache settles between my thighs.

I cup my hands to his face and brush my lips against his barely touching them. “I will not be asleep John”. Before he can do or say anything else I give him a prim little smile, then turn and run up the stairs to the sound of his deep, rich laugh floating up behind me.


	23. John and Esther Part 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A joyful day turns sour. Esther is condemned by the righteous and John holds fast defending Esther

“Mercy, make sure the child is well swaddled and wrapped against the cold”. Rebecca Nurse sits in John’s chair issuing her instructions like a queen to her court.  
It is Sunday, we have eaten a cold breakfast of bread, meat and cheese, for no cooking is allowed on the Lord’s Day. Dressed in their best clothes, Abigail and Samuel sit quietly at the table whilst I brush Abigail’s hair then fastened it up under her coif. 

I dread the thought of being in church, there is no hiding and now the child growing in my belly shows even more. My best dress is tight and I have already fixed a placket under the laces at the back so that my shift will not show. Even so it is still uncomfortable as it strains across my breasts and hampers my breathing a little. Thankfully it is cold enough to warrant the wearing of a cloak over my short coat, for there is much can be hidden under a cloak.

Wearing his best clothes and with his hair and beard neatly trimmed, John looks so handsome and so proud as he smiles down at Thomas. I sit up beside him on the waggon, Mercy sits beside me with Thomas held tightly in her arms and Samuel sits close up to Abigail in the back, his arm tight around his little sister to stop her from bouncing about, he is so much John’s son in both looks and manner. Mistress Elizabeth will not be at the Christening of her son, it is too soon to be out of her room and so with Goody Nurse to keep her company she will stay at home.

John reins up outside the Church and tethers the horses, already the good Christian folk of Salem are gathered there and as we alight from the waggon, eyes wide with curiosity and self-righteous loathing are levelled not only at me but at John. They are watching closely, watching for any small sign of affection between us. It will be some time before we enter the church and I feel their looks settle like pin pricks of flame upon me as they mutter and stare. Quietly the Goodwives who had tended Mistress Proctor edge forward and stand beside Mercy and myself screening us as best they can.

Bile rises in my stomach as I catch sight of Susannah, I have not yet dared to tell John that on the day Susannah left I found two straw poppets in the small barn. She had placed them side by side on top of the folded coverlet, one the size of a small doll the other much smaller again. It is clear they were meant to be me and my child, each one with a pin pushed through where the heart might be. I felt so afraid that I spewed my breakfast outside the barn door. I threw the poppets on the midden and covered them over but the dread still clutches at my heart as I see her sidle towards me but before she can get close we are called into church and file in, the men to one side the women to the other.

Reverend Burrows climbs up into the pulpit and with a great show of pious feeling, thunders out the text on which he has founded his sermon.  
Revelation 17:16   
And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire.

I shudder and as a low whispering spreads around the church, Alice Parker takes hold of my hand to comfort me. I dare not look across to John but I will not hang my head and for as long as ever Reverend Burrows roars and rumbles and raises his fists to heaven, I look straight ahead and hold my body rigid so that no one will see me shake. Even when from the corner of my eye I see him stretch out his arm and point first at me and then at John I do not look at him. When he finishes spewing out his hatred in the name of God he calls John and the Goodwives forward but I as I step up with them he points his finger again.

“Not you Esther Putnam, not you”. He shouts his words with such force that specks of spittle fly from his mouth. “You are not fit to attend the Baptism of this child and you John Proctor, even though you be his father attend under my sufferance only”. “Constable Willard, you will take Esther Putnam to the back of the Church and hold her there until this is done” The hatchet faced Master Willard steps forward and even through the cloth of my cloak I feel his boney fingers bite into the flesh of my arm as he marches me away. I think it best that I do not struggle.  
The rest of the congregation look on in a spiteful glee as I am paraded past them to the sound of “Whore”, and “Harlot” softly hissing around me and fear chills me to my core. 

I hear Thomas howl in vexation at having cold water trickled on him and all I wish for is to be standing beside John, to be able to see the gentle smile that brightens his face whenever he looks at his new-born son. But the baptism is over and as the congregation begin to file past all I see are sharp, vicious faces twisted with malice and those of the good women of the town more so than the men. John follows behind with Mercy and the children.  
“John Proctor stay you with Constable Willard, I will have words with you presently”  
John hesitates then smiles kindly at Mercy “Take the children and go and wait for me in the waggon”. The girl hesitates there is an anxious look on her gentle features. “Go, I will not be long”. John seeks to reassure her and smiles again.   
“We will wait with her Master Proctor”. Mistress Carey speaks for the other Goodwives who murmur their agreement and file out of the church with Mercy and the children.

Though my cloak is thick and warm I cannot stop myself from shivering as I wait for the Minister. As if he fears I will slip away from him, Master Willard again seizes hold of my arm but John has quietly slipped his arm behind me and gently presses the palm of his hand against my back. That simple act comforts me.

“What is the meaning of this Burrows, you dare treat my servant this way” John does not raise his voice yet it still rumbles and echoes around. 

“Hold your tongue Master Proctor, Esther Putnam is named a whore and adulteress and will be taken from here to the town Gaol.”  
“She is not to blame in this Burrows” 

John hisses out words in my defence, his eyes are dark and hard his face flushed with anger. But the Reverend Burrows faces him down.

“Master Proctor, we know women to be the root of evil, you may have given in to your lust but she tempted you as Eve tempted Adam. Esther will be taken to the gaol, she will be put up in court on Tuesday and you well know what will happen if she is found guilty”. In the silence hung the unspoken words “For she will be found guilty”

John hangs his head, I see the set of his jaw and I know he is fighting his anger, not wanting to make things worse for me. He straightens and somehow looks taller and broader than he is. John Proctor maybe a harsh man at times, but it is not in him to be violent. Even so when he steps closer to the Minister I see him clenching and unclenching his fists as if fighting a deep need to set that sanctimonious womanising prig on his arse. 

“Reverend Burrows”, John’s voice is low, barely a whisper but the menace in his tone is enough to make the Minister step back as his eyes pop wide in fear. “If you do not take care to see that she is not harmed or mistreated in any way then I shall know of it, I count you in this Constable Willard. I shall come by tomorrow and see for myself that she is well cared for.

“Why would you bother John Proctor”, a mean spiteful smile settles on Reverend Burrow’s mouth “For even if she carries your child, and I believe that to be so; how can she be anything to you?”

For a moment John does not answer but his face says everything. His eyes are a deep, deep blue his chin juts forward just a little and the Minister shivers.

“I have told you both, if Esther is mistreated in any way there will be Hell to pay, now I will come with you all to the gaol”

Constable Willard breaks his silence and moves to stand between me and John “There is no need Master Proctor”

“I have said I will come”, and he stares Willard down. “So you may lead the way Constable”

As the little group of us troop out of the church we discovered the congregation has not left. They are standing about in small groups chattering away but as soon as we appear they turn and watch as we walk towards the gaol. Suddenly there she is, trotting alongside us in the mud of the main street, Susannah Parris. Her dress is worthy of a merchant’s wife and the cloth of her cloak is of a good thick wool so she has surely found employment in a rich household somewhere.

“Reverend, at long last this harlot will get what she deserves.”

“Susannah get you home girl, Mistress Burrows will expect you to be there before us.” 

It is as if someone lands a blow on me and I stumble a little, John curls his fingers around my arm and holds me steady. Susannah has found employment in the Reverend’s household and there she can spread more of her poison and hate. I do not even look at her as she steps along beside me.

“What now Esther?”, her voice sickly and sly pours into my ear. “I’ll tell you what now, you’ll be tried, found guilty and whipped through the streets for the whore you are, I remember you howling like a queen cat in the Mistresses own bed.”

I do not answer, my throat aches and my eyes hurt with the effort of keeping tears at bay and John rounds on her.

“Get you gone girl, you have caused enough trouble in my house”

“You, Master Proctor do not speak to my servant in such a manner” the Reverend shot at him and John was as quick with his answer.   
“And you have had my warning Burrow’s, take heed”

My heart sings, for even now John has not abandoned me and he comes with me right into the gaol where I give my name and am led down to the cells. It is dark, dank and cold a small stool and a piss pot are all that are in the cell, it stinks and I have no doubt the clumped straw on the floor will be home to all kinds of vermin. But even here before the Constable and the Minister John shows he cares.

“Will you leave us, I need to speak with Esther?”

The Constable steps forward all official, self-important and with sneering smile “It is not usual, Master Procter, however if...” His words tail off and he rubs his thumb and fingers together.

“You’ll get no bribe from me Willard, so stay there if you must.” John snaps at him.

As he stands close to the bars he reaches between them to grasp my hands and as he pulls me towards him he shields me from the others, then in a voice that is so quiet, so soft that only I can hear him he whispers “I love you Esther, I will be here tomorrow and I will be there at the court house.”

“John, you have a farm to run, a wife, children and a new-born to care for”

His lips part in a gentle smile and it reaches his eyes which have lost that dark fierce hue now and in this dim light are cornflower blue but they are filling with tears. He does not wipe them away but lets them track down his face and lifting his left hand he strokes his fingers down my cheek.

“You cannot discourage me Esther, I will visit you tomorrow and I will be there in court” He brushes his fingers down my skin again, it feels like fire and I kiss his thumb as he strokes it across my lips.

“I must go now Esther, Mercy is waiting and I must get Thomas back to his Mother”. His voice is cracked and rough and he can barely speak now. “Be strong for me my sweet bird” 

“Aye John go, I can brave this” But my voice trembles now and the tears fall, John takes my hand and draws it through the bars so that he can press his lips to my palm, he kisses it once, twice and then a third time without a care that we are being watched.

“Go John, please” My own voice is breaking now as I gently draw my hand away from his. Johns face is a mask of calm and I turn my back on him, because I know I will not be able to bear watching him walk away. Only when I hear the outer door close do I let the tears fall and I wail and keen as I drop to my knees in the stinking straw.


	24. John and Esther Part 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esther is kept in Gaol.

John Proctor is ushered away from the cells. Constable Willard and Reverend Burrows walk close behind him and as the outer door slams shut he hears a rising, pitiful wail piercing the air. It is like a punch to his stomach and a chill runs through him as he turns back and cries out to her in an unsteady broken voice 

“Esther, Esther!” His face pale and his eyes dark with anguish as he tries to barge past the Constable and the Minister.  
“No Master Proctor you may not go there.” Willard grabs at John’s bicep and holds him firm as they stand eyeball to eyeball, but he baulks at the fierce stare levelled at him and quickly uncurls his fingers releasing John from his grip. 

“You are to see to it that Esther Putnam has the best food and everything she needs”, John slaps coins down on the Constable’s desk. “I will be here tomorrow to make sure of it” With that he strides from the courthouse his heart thudding in his chest and the sound of Esther’s cries still ringing in his ears. Mercy and the children are up on the waggon waiting patiently, it has started to rain now, that fine soaking mizzle that chills to the bone and the air is cold and raw. The children look miserable and Thomas is hungry, it is making him fractious and crabby and loud. John climbs up beside Samuel, “I’ll drive as fast as I dare Mercy, the Mistress will be concerned at our being late and you will be chilled to the bone and hungry, I can hear for certain that Thomas is. He smiles the saddest smile that Mercy has ever seen.

They make good speed home and John does not even take time to drive the waggon to the barn but slings the drive reins over the rail and sets Mercy and the children down outside the house

“I’ll take Thomas up Mercy, you see to the fire and set the dinner out, but not for me though I’ll take mine later” The thought of eating makes him gag “As you will Master Proctor” and she ushers the children inside out of the cold. With his long legs John easily takes the stairs two at a time, he knocks quietly at the chamber door and Rebecca opens it with barely a sound, even so Elizabeth wakes from her doze. 

“You are later than I’d hoped John, is something amiss?”

His smile is brittle “Thomas is now a member of the community Elizabeth and a clamorous one at that.” Carefully he hands Thomas to her and she sets about arranging herself so that she can suckle the babe.

“John, why so agitated what has come about?”

“They have taken Esther, they have taken her to the town gaol she is to be tried on Tuesday.”

“Oh Lord, oh my good Lord” Rebecca slumps down heavily in her chair. With his eyes wide and pleading, John looks at Elizabeth, she shuts her own eyes tight against him and clenches her jaw. A part of her is not sorry that Esther is in gaol but for all that, she does not want John hurt and as he sits on the edge of their marriage bed he covers his face with his hands and openly weeps, shoulder heaving, huge, wracking sobs. Elizabeth heaves herself upright and shuffles herself nearer to John. He feels the cool touch of her fingers as she lays her free hand gently against the back of his neck and strokes her thumb over his skin. John is staggered at her show of affection and turning his head towards her speaks with a low broken voice.

“Dear God Elizabeth, you do not deserve this, not this”

“What we deserve and what we think we deserve are often a country mile apart John. I have not deserved you but you have always been a good husband and if you have not loved me; which I know you have not, then you have always cared for me and shown me some affection.” She offers him a small, weak smile “You have saved me from the torment that Esther is enduring now, the girl is suffering and I do not wish that on her. I am truly sorry now for having put her out of the house” Elizabeth lays her hand against his cheek now “I have resigned myself to the way things are and truly it should not be anyone’s business but our own”, “Though the world in general”, She huffed a little laugh “and the Church in particular do see it differently”

John Proctor cannot help but smile softly at his wife and at this moment, even as she lays there tired and pale she shows such resolve, such strength of spirit he both admires and respects her. 

“You must help her all you can John and bring her back here safe”

He blows his breath out in a soft hiss and rubs his hands up and down over his face. “She will be in court on Tuesday, and it is a certainty how that will turn out.”

“But I will be there Elizabeth and even though I condemn myself, I will speak up for her.” 

“Knowing you to be the man you are, I would expect no less of you John Proctor but I beg you have a care.”

John rises from his perch on the edge of the bed, paces the room and then stops as Rebecca Nurse comes to stand beside him. As she lays her gnarled, arthritic hand on his arm she speaks quietly to him.

“You must do what needs be done John, they will whip her through the town if they find her guilty, and if they “Lay On” hard they could rip her flesh open to the bone. So if you can prevail on the court to lessen the sentence then go to it, else I would fear for both her and the child” 

John lays his large hand over Rebecca’ and she feels his fingers tremble against her own. 

“I will do my best, though I doubt anyone there would see fit to listen to me, Burrows well knows by now that I’m the father of Esther’s child and so I walk as dangerous a path as she does.” His shoulders droop and he sighs like a man already defeated as he looks to his wife suckling Thomas then he sweeps his gaze around the familiar chamber, a room which he knows he will never occupy again.

“You would not know that Susannah Parris has found employment within the Reverend’s household, and by the looks of it as no mere housemaid, her finery screams Ladies Maid.” John follows his words with a hollow laugh.

Rebecca snorts “That vindictive baggage, good Lord what are they thinking?” But she knew for certain that at Reverend Burrows prompting, Susannah would waste no time in poking at the hornets’ nest that was John Proctor and Esther Putnam and stirring up as much trouble as she could for both.  
Rebecca Nurse moves away from John as she hears a knocking at the door and opens it to Mercy who is carrying a large wooden tray set with food for Rebecca and Elizabeth.  
“Master Proctor the children have been fed” She smiles down at Samuel and Abigail standing either side of her “I have laid dinner for you, should you wish to eat now.” 

Rebecca holds the door wide as Mercy steps in. “The children asked if they could see Mistress Proctor for a little while” Elizabeth smiles and glances over to Rebecca who nods at her. “Aye let them come in to see their mother”

John steps over to the bed and with the lightest touch gently strokes the head of his new son, drops the softest, swiftest kiss to Elizabeth’s brow and leaves without another word to head back down to the parlour.

Sunday is never-ending, time creeps and crawls and once John has returned the waggon to the barn, groomed the horses and checked over the harness, there’s little to do. He cannot even loose himself in hard, physical labour on the farm, something which might have gone some way to numbing the pain he feels. So he looks over the farm accounts, but his mind runs this way and that, and the figures run into each other. Spying the Bible box he glowers across at it, oh yes Sunday should be spent in contemplation of God’s word, but he shudders as he resolves that he will never read that damned book again. 

There is one thing he will do, he does not count it as work and does not care if anyone else does. Shrugging on his coat against the rain and snagging up a lantern John heads over to the tool store. He chooses carefully from the chisels and gouges set on the rack then moves to the far end of the bench. Laid out neatly under their burlap cover are side and end boards, rails, rockers, a plain bottom board, four turned finials and any number of dowels. John strokes his fingers over the carvings a wistful smile on his lips, he is more than satisfied with his work it may be the finest thing he has ever made, this cradle for his and Esther’s child. 

It is almost done, he has carved the side panels and the foot panel with an intricate design of small birds and summer flowers, his smile broadens for dotted here and there amongst them are tiny carved bees. All that remains now is to work the inside of the head panel and for that he has planned a dove in flight with a space below for the date of birth and the child’s initials. He wraps it carefully in another piece of cloth and strides back to the farm.  
John works carefully at the fine intricate details of the carving, the tools he is using seem too small against his large hands and long fingers but his touch is light, delicate and sure.

Elizabeth often said that had he not been a farmer then John would surely have made his way as a master carpenter. Tomorrow he will begin to wax the wood and then finally dowel the pieces together. Suddenly he feels his heart clench in his chest as he remembers that tomorrow, before he puts his hand to anything much he will ride into Salem to see Esther. But for the next few hours he will lose himself in his work.

Mercy breaks the silence as she clatters into the room. “At the Mistresses request I have put Samuel and Abigail to bed, she glances at the table “You have not eaten Master Proctor” she gestures towards the place she has set for him. “ Will you take something now, it is not too far from supper and you must be hungry?

The thought of eating makes his stomach churn. 

“No, no thank you Mercy I don’t care for any, in fact you may clear it away girl, I will go to my bed soon, for I have a long day tomorrow and as soon as you are done, then you may go up to the Mistress”. John wraps the head board in the burlap and sets both it and his sharp tools high up on the top of the cupboard well away from inquisitive children, with searching fingers. When he enters Esther’s room, their room now, the emptiness presses in on him almost knocking the breath from his lungs, he feels so lost and loneliness wraps him in it’s cold embrace.

Then he smiles a little as he remembers Esther wriggling and jostling against him for space in the bed that even without her is still too small for his frame. But the covers and pillows smell of her, with deep shuddering breaths he takes in her scent and instead of laying the pillow beneath his head, he crushes it to his chest and burrows his face into it.

But sleep will not come for John and the cold air caresses his naked body as he paces up and down the room, stopping every now and again to peer from out from the window at the moonlit fields. Suddenly he steps back in surprise as the silence is shattered by the screech of an owl if he were a superstitious man he might think that to be an ill omen.

Once again John settles himself back in bed clutching at the pillow. He twists and turns and thumps at the mattress, but still sleep does not come and so he spends a lonely night thinking only of Esther as he waits for the dawn to rescue him from his pain.


	25. John and Esther Part 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John visits Esther in Gaol. Unsettling News

Sleep evades John for most of the night. The little that claims him fogs his brain, filling it with fractured dreams of Esther, cold and alone in her cell as she huddles weeping and shivering on the filthy, stinking floor. But that is not the worst of it. There in front of his eyes he sees her half naked body, her dress rent from neck to waist as she is tied to the cart’s tail. A well-muscled arm is raised high, thick fingers clutch the “cat” and as it bears down he wakes shouting, his body drenched in a cold sweat, his head and heart pounding.

John sits up in the bed, leans forward and bows his head as he rests his forearms on his hitched up knees trying to calm his ragged breath. He knows no more sleep will come, the only thing is to rise, dress and start his day. 

It is long before dawn but he needs to be up and out, there are kine to be milked, stock to be checked and all before he can eat and then make his way to Salem to see Esther. Hurriedly he pulls on his clothes and shivers at the feel of the cold air and cool cloth against his skin. 

He is surprised to find that when he enters the parlour Mercy is already there he shoots her a quizzical look.  
“Master Proctor, good morning to you, I had not thought to see you quite so early, the Mistress is wanting something hot to drink, Goody Nurse is still asleep so I said I’d fetch it for her”  
John manages a tight lipped smile as Mercy rakes at the fire and lays more logs amongst the flames. 

“Are you all right Master Proctor?” There’s a look of concern on her young face and her eyes narrow “I hope you’ll forgive me for saying but you don’t look so good.”

He rakes his hands through his hair and smiles weakly back at her. She notices his eyes are dull, tired.

“I thank you Mercy but I’m fine, I shall head to the barn soon and eat when I come back.”

He shrugs on his coat and heads out. The air is soft but cool against his face. Here and there are patches of frost on the ground and the puddles are covered in a thin skin of ice. Although the sky is brightening it’ll be another couple of hours before it is truly light and he hopes by then to be getting ready to go to Salem. In spite of this he takes his time to walk to the barn and stands for a moment leaning against the fence, wishing Esther was standing there with him. But he will see her today and he will stay with her as long as he can so the sooner he makes a move the sooner he can be on his way. 

He has always loved the warm sweet scent of the cattle and the fodder and as he walks into the barn he breathes in the smell that reminds him of his childhood. He smiles at the thought of being able to teach both new children about this farm which will be their home, his love of the land, the pure joy of the changing seasons. John is a father who loves his children, all of them. He loves them from the day they are born and has never withheld his affection from them, though he may seem stern it does not deter Abigail from climbing onto him only to fall asleep on his lap curled up against his chest. Even Samuel, who at seven considers himself grown up is not above doing the same.  
John sets about his work, he has no one to help with the milking now but he can bear that, for Susannah is gone thank God and that lifts a weight from his heart.

I wake up, or rather I open my eyes sleep has been sorely lacking. The cell is cold and dank and dampness slicks he walls. I am also now well acquainted with the four legged occupants of the cell, I have never seen rats so big and evil looking. There’s no bed to lie on so I have spent the night huddled in the corner with my knees drawn up as tight as I can and my cloak and shawl wrapped around me so as to try and keep warm. It stinks in here, there’s one rickety stool and a piss pot that needs emptying though I doubt that will happen. I’m stiff, my knees and hips ache, I struggle to my feet to get up and stretch.  
I know John will come and see me, he swore it and he is a man of his word. I squeeze my eyes tight trying to bring his strong, handsome face into view. The constable’s men are yelling into each cell and as they walk past each one they rattle on the bars with a stick. Then comes breakfast, the gaoler slides a platter of food into the cell. It looks foul and it tastes worse, one bite and I spit it back onto the platter, Lord knows what it is but I doubt that even the rats would touch it. I know John left money so as I would have something better to eat, but that must have gone straight to the Constable’s pocket. I don’t know when John will be able to come to see me, so all I can do is sit and wait in this awful place.

John enters the parlour, Mercy has already set Samuel on his way to school and she sits at the table alongside Abigail as the child finishes her breakfast. 

“Will you eat now Master Procter?”

“Aye, just let me go and wash and change my clothes, I’ll not go Salem stinking of cattle and looking like a farmhand”

Jug of water in hand he lopes up the stairs, washes quickly and pulls on his best clothes. Day by day piece by piece his belongings have been shifted into this room, but without Esther it’s a bare and lonely place.

As he passes the door to Elizabeth’s room, for it is hers and hers alone now, Rebecca steps out quietly and whispers.

“You are set on going to Salem John?”

“I am” His voice is firm, determined.

“Would you care for my company, Esther might like to see another woman’s face?”

“It is in my mind to ride in rather than drive Rebecca”

Rebecca smiles at him and pats his arm. “I understand.” 

Mercy has laid out his food in the parlour but still he cannot bring himself to eat. 

“Wrap me something in a cloth Mercy I’ll take it with me”

“Do the same for me child” Rebecca appears, clad in her thick cloak and heavy boots. 

“I have a mind to go into Salem, besides there are some items which Elizabeth needs and the walk will do me good. John shakes his head and smiles at Goody Nurse she is a Woman who will usually get her own way and he is glad for he may be the one to need company once he has seen Esther.

“Though I would consider it a kindness John, if you could see your way to letting me sit up behind when we return.”

She notes the look on his face and scowls at him.

“So you think I am too old to hitch up behind you John Proctor?”, She pokes at him with a boney finger, he say’s nothing though he manages a wry smile, for she’s seventy if she’s a day. “Well let me tell you, I can hold fast and you may push your horse as hard as you dare without a worry.”

“Mercy, I will leave Elizabeth, Thomas and Abigail in your charge if you think you could manage that” 

“I can manage,” Mercy smiles a broad smile, pleased to be so trusted.

John stuffs the food into his coat pockets, takes his leave of Mercy and Rebecca then strides over to the stable. He chooses the stallion, saddles him up checks and rechecks the girth and leads him out. Ebony is a fine looking beast and much the faster and stronger of his horses, John Proctor aims to make an impression when he rides into Salem this morning and so he does. Straight backed, head high the stallion skittering and prancing, but John has the measure of him. He reins up outside the Courthouse and leaves the horse with a loud warning to anyone around that they should not come near for fear of injury.

He makes his way through the courthouse and down to the cells. The Constable and his men are already there.

“Ahh Master Proctor” Constable Willard his voice unctuous and his expression smug, bars John’s way to the cells.

“Let me by Willard” Johns voice is a growl, “I have business with a member of my household”

“Aye, and the whole of Salem knows what that business is Proctor but you cannot go down it is too early” Willard’s posturing is a sham and John steps closer, a calm but woolfish expression on his face, the Constable feels his own resolve melting away. It crumbles a little more as John twists both hands into the collar of Willard’s Coat.

“I think I can, I may have a temper Willard, though no one who truly knows me would say I am a violent man”, John lowers his voice yet more and sets his face only a few inches away from the Constable’s “But this may well be the day I give the lie to that, if you do not let me by”

“You would not dare John Proctor” Willard squeaks out.

John tightens his grip, “Do not place a wager on that Willard” and he is so close now that he towers over the Constable, glaring down at him with eyes like chips of blue ice.

“The prisoners are just taking their breakfast”

 

“Then perhaps I should make sure the coin I gave you has been well spent” 

Constable Willard’s blenches and John knows straightway the deceit of the man.

“Ahh, so the money ended in your pocked did it?” and he is glad he thought to bring some food, better that Esther should have it and he still has no appetite.

“You still cannot got down there Master Proctor”

“Indeed? Well you and I differ on that Willard” John releases him from an iron grip and pushes him aside non to gently, the Constable smooths his collar  
down as John steps past him and goes down to the cells.

“Open up Esther Putnam’s cell” He yells at the turnkey

“Sir I cannot, no one but the constable or another officer is allowed to enter.” 

But John is such an imposing figure that the young man succumbs and is about to open the cell when the Constable rushes down the steps.  
“Don’t you open that door” he commands

John does no more than snatch the key out of the young man’s hand and opens it himself.

I hear John’s voice even before he comes down the steps and I am up on my feet, gripping at the cell bars. My heart hammers in my chest, my breath is ragged, and I step back in shock as the door is flung wide and John enters.

“Oh God John I cannot believe that you are her so soon” 

I stand still, not quite knowing what to do, not wanting to rush into his arms and make things worse for him than they are. But John solves the problem for me and he steps forward, his arms wide he gathers me to him and holds me fast against this chest. I want to cry but I will not let him see me break so easily, so I laugh nervously.

“I must stink something awful John, and I think the vermin may have already made their home on me. I feel the rumble of a slight laugh in his chest.

“My sweet girl I wish I could get you out of here, but I will not give you hope of that.”

“You cannot do anything about this John.” I try to turn his thoughts by asking questions about the household. 

“How is Mercy doing?”

“You were right to think of her Esther, she is a Godsend and has settled in so well it seems like she has always been there. Thomas thrives and he has such a pair of lungs on him that he can rattle the beams when he bawls. The gentle smile on his lips reaches his eyes as he speaks of his new son.  
My breathing steadies, my heart beats to a calmer rhythm and I slide my arms around him now. He is no longer cautious, no longer restrained, and he drops his mouth to meet mine, his kiss is sweet and soft but only for a moment. I give as I take, I am willing him to kiss me harder and John is a man to oblige. Now his mouth on mine is hot, open and hungry, his tongue twines against mine, fierce and hard in my mouth. 

We kiss and kiss and it’s as if we shall never stop. The growls rumbling from his chest are the bass notes to the descant of my moans and mewls, he pushes the cloth from my head, so that he can more easily thread his hands in my hair pulling my head back so that he can kiss my neck.

The Constable bangs his stick on the floor hard down one the floor” It startles me and I try to pull away from John but he holds me fast.

“John Proctor you must leave, do you not realise man that you condemn yourself by your actions?”

Before John can answer, a messenger sails down the steps and hands a note to Constable Willard.

As he reads, it a look of vicious glee settles on his face and he delivers a smile of pure evil.

“You must leave now Master Proctor, I have to tell you that all prisoners will be heard in court today”

“Tomorrow surely?” John turns towards him. 

“No, for the Magistrate is called away to Boston tomorrow on urgent business, he will sit in court today and any sentences and punishment will be delivered before he leaves”

“Oh God no” My voices croaks out the words, I know that within hours I am likely to feel the whip on my back. The last thing I see, before the world goes black and slides away, is the fearful look in Johns blue eyes.


	26. John and Esther Part 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Esther in court. John tries to defend her.Guilty . Punishment brought forward and Esther is whipped through the town. John stops it.

Still cradling Esther in his arms, John sinks slowly and carefully to his knees on the filthy floor. Gently he lays her down on her back, strokes his fingers across her temple and brushes aside a lock of her hair, her skin is clammy. All the while he leans down with his mouth close to her ear and he whispers so that no one else can hear. 

“Esther, know that I you love you, know that I will be with you my sweetheart.” He strokes his hand down her arm and across over her belly letting it rest there. 

“John Proctor are you there?”

The sound of Goody Nurse’s voice floats down the stairs to the cells.

“Aye and tis good you’re here, I need your help”

With slightly laboured steps Rebecca makes her way down to him.

“Did she fall?”  
“No, she fainted, though I think she is already coming too” The anxious look on John’s face and he gentleness in his eyes hurts her heart, once so many years ago a man looked at her that way. 

I feel hot, my head spins, and I am trying not to retch. When I open my eyes everything is hazy around me but I hear John’s voice.

“Be still Esther” He presses down gently on my shoulder to stop me rising too soon.

“Aye Girl, lie quiet” Rebecca adds her voice and lays her cool hand to my forehead as she kneels beside me

“What caused this?” I am too slow to answer, John cuts in and even though he is whispering to Rebecca I can hear the anger in his voice.

“Master Willard, do you have the list of offenders?” Rebecca struggles to her feet and steps across to him.

“I do but it is no business of yours woman” he snarls trying to intimidate her

“John Willard you mind your manners, I clattered your arse when you were a child, do not think for a moment my age would prevent me taking my hand to you now.” 

John presses his lips tight together and the turnkey stifles a snort.

“I would prevail on you to have Esther Putnam’s name put at the head of the list and don’t try to say to me that it cannot be done” She stretches up on her toes and whispers in his ear. John watches in awe as Willard’s face drains of all colour and his mouth opens and closes rapidly though he makes no sound. Rebecca Nurse can be a formidable adversary and Constable Willard caves in to her.

In one slow, easy move, John rises from his knees, lifts me up in his arms and as he knows he must, he carries me back to my cell. As he does so he turns and calls to the turnkey to fetch fresh water. Rebecca follows and places the stool against the wall so that John can settle me there. He kneels before me his hands cupping my face and he draws my head down until our foreheads touch.

“Be strong Esther” his voice is so soft I can barely hear it “You will be called first and I will be there, I will speak for you I bear the blame in this”  
“No don’t I beg you, what use would it be John? You would condemn yourself and it would serve nothing if you were punished and as for blame, there is no blame, remember you said to me we cannot chose who we love and if that is so, then we cannot be blamed” 

I place my own hands against that handsome face. “Do not put yourself in peril John” I press my lips to his and he slides his arms around me.  
“You must leave now Master Proctor, the Magistrate will be in court presently.” Constable John Willard though determined, is not so disagreeable now. 

“Come John” Rebecca lays her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it gently “We must go”

One last soft kiss and he leaves, he does not look back he does not want Esther to see the tears on his cheeks.

The Courtroom is already filling with folk, for the change of day and time has been cried around the town and all are anxious to see justice done. Although many greet and talk with Rebecca, few speak to John, whether it is his fixed, stony expression that keeps them at bay, or the thought that speaking to him will taint them in some way John neither knows nor cares. With a nod to Rebecca he makes his way forward, settles himself at the front with a clear view of the dock and the Magistrates bench. His stomach is roiling and he feels a tightness in his chest.

The Constable enters, slams his stick to the floor to call everyone to order and brings the court to silence as the Magistrate enters. The room is dim, barely any light filters through the high windows to pierce the gloom on this dull March morning. Lanterns have been hung around the room and suspended from the ceiling but they are next to useless. 

The Magistrate, sweeps into the court steps onto the dais and settles himself in his chair laying his papers on the table before him. The Clerk sits at the table below, his quills and papers at the ready. Magistrate John Hathorne is not known to be an impartial man, those brought before him are in his mind already guilty and they must needs fight hard to prove otherwise. 

“Bring up Esther Putnam” 

I hear my name called once, twice. The Turnkey brings me out from my cell and escorts m to the top of the stairs. “Take care Miss, begging your pardon but old Hathorne is a disagreeable and uncharitable man” I nod and give him the best smile I can manage. Constable Willard takes my arm and escorts me to my place helping me to step up to the dock.

The sea of faces, pale above their dark clothing, shifts and swirls in front of me. I don’t move my head, but flick my glance this way and that. John is there and I thank God, for the minute I see him my breathing begins to calm, and my heart no longer sounds in my ears. My poor John his face is pale and his eye seem sunk back in his face, I want to smile at him but I dare not and once in the dock I can no longer see him but I feel his presence, it is like a soft touch to my skin. My Beloved John who has never abandoned me.

The clerk intones the charge of adultery against me, the folks in the court mutter and mumble and John Hathorne bangs down the gavel for silence.

“Esther Putnam how do you answer the charge?”

There is no jury here, and the Magistrate **controls all.

I answer as I have before, that I was abandoned by a man, a Ship’s Carpenter, who I thought unmarried but who returned to Boston to his wife and child. That the Proctors out of kindness and in an act of Christian charity agreed to keep me in their employ. Cries of disbelief, calls of liar and whore rumble and roll around the court room. 

“His name” John Hathorne leans forward slightly and bangs his gavel on the table. “Esther Putnam I will have his name so that your account may be proven.” On and on harries me, asking the same question but I will not give in to him.  
I grip at the front of the dock, my throat is dry I clear it and the court falls completely silent now, the better to hear what I have to say.

“Sir, I beg of you do not try me further for I will never say, I have no wish to cause distress to that man’s wife.”

“Aye you whore, but which man’s wife would that be?” the court is in uproar but I know that single voice, that shrill screech.  
“Tell us all whose child you carry Esther Putnam” 

The Magistrate hammers on the table to bring the good people of Salem to order and slowly the noise dwindles. But still I hear the echo of Susannah Parris’s voice ringing in my ears. 

I do not want to peddle these lies, I want to scream it out that I love John Proctor, that he is the father of my child. They all think they know it but they do not know for sure, I want to make them know it but I will not and so tell the Magistrate again that I will not give a name and I will not speak again.

John Hathorne glares at me, the colour rises in his face.

“It is of no matter that you say you did not know the man was married, for that in itself leaves you open to the charge of wanton and lustful behaviour.” His flush deepens further, his voice grows to a bellow and I realise that his stare is no longer set at me, his head is turned and I know he is looking straight at John. 

“I doubt not that your account is a tale, peddled to protect both yourself and another and there is only one course that can be taken”  
I know now that he is punishing John through me but he speaks to me directly now.

“Esther Putnam, you are obstinate and wilful, you are a whore and an adulteress and you will be punished accordingly.” He pauses and sweeps his gaze around the court. “At 1 of the clock this afternoon, you will be tied to the cart’s tail and whipped through the town. You will be given 30 lashes of the cat, the tails are each to be knotted in three places, but not tipped. The lashes will be administered as follows, 10 lashes outside this court, 10 at the market place and 10 at the steps of the church..”

The body of the court gasps, there is an outcry but I realise that many are shouting out in my favour I hear the words “Unfair and unwarranted” echo around the room. As I clutch at the front rail of the dock my head spins, the deep breath I take in sits heavy in my chest and finally I let it out. I had not expected something so harsh 10 lashes, 20 even but not 30. Again the Magistrate pounds on the desk to bring order.

John springs to his feet and makes his way to the front of the court, his voice strident as he roars out “This is unjust, I have known felons be given punishment less severe, can you not show some leniency man, some pity” His fist comes down hard on the clerks’ table, the inkpots bounce and the clerks shift back in their chairs.  
“Hathorne, you are naught but a vengeful, malicious bigot. I know your trick” John slams his hand down again and then turns to look at me ready to speak more. I mouth “NO” at him willing him to stop willing him to stay silent but he turns back to the Magistrate, his voice lower now and calmer.

“I pray to God Hathorne that one day such justice will be visited on you”

The Magistrate smiles, a sly predatory smile. 

“Master Procter, I have no doubt that the connection between you and Almighty God, has long since been severed; now leave the courts business to the court, before I have you removed.”

John can do nothing but return to his seat and sit in silence.

“Esther Putnam” John Hathorne turns to me “Do you understand the punishment and the reasons for it?”

I can only nod but he takes that as my answer and gives the order to return me to the cell. 

I sit well back in the corner, rocking back and forth on the stool, hands stroking my belly as I talk nonsense to the babe there. The other prisoners are taken up one by one but none of them return and no one is allowed to visit me.

“It’s time” The turnkey is there with the Constable and I step out. The crowd are silent as I step to the cart. Rebecca Nurse is waiting there, she steps up to Willard and speaks quietly to him.

“I ask permission to walk beside her to give her such comfort as I am able.”

“I do not have that authority Goody Nurse, only the Magistrate can allow that.”

“Then go to and ask him” she demands.

To the Constables surprise, John Hathorne agrees and Rebecca busies herself removing my outer clothes as the man who will deliver the punishment stands to one side. Samuel Wardwell is the tallest and sturdiest of all the Constables men, with well-muscled arms and broad shoulders. This man will not need to “Lay On” the strokes to cause hurt and disfigurement.

“I must push your dress down Esther” Thank the Lord for Rebecca, her voice is gentle, grandmotherly as she strives to keep me calm as all the while I shake from cold and from the fear rising in me. She pulls out the laces and with great gentleness slides the dress away from my body pushing it over my arms and down to my waist. My mind is reeling and I hardly notice when the Constable binds my wrists to the cart. My hands are higher than my shoulders and my arms are stretched outwards sides. I feel a burning in my muscles and know that whatever happens I must stay on my feet, for if I falter my knees will not touch the ground and my arms will take the whole weight of me. Finally Rebecca makes sure my hair is covered and that the ends of the covering are tucked away for nothing must be in the way of the lash.

“I will walk beside you child”

Unseen the Constable gives the signal.

I hardly feel the first stroke, it seems numbing, though it is so fierce a blow that it almost knocks me off my feet. My back arches of it’s own accord and I strain against the bindings of my wrists. If I could see John I would take some comfort, I try to look for him but am ordered to keep my head forward.

Stroke two and my flesh begins to burn and sting the third and fourth the same, at five I scream and pull against the bindings. The flesh will already be forming into weals and welts and is becoming more tender with each stroke. Every twitch and move I make sets the skin aflame, I am shaking from head to foot, my skin feels wet but I don’t know if it’s blood, sweat forms on my brow and under my breasts just from the effort of keeping my head up.

At seven and eight I have cramps in my legs, my stomach clenches and aches and I writhe and shudder but that only worsens the pain.  
The Constables man knows his work, he is not “Laying On” but the strokes he delivers are quick, even and have weight behind them. With each one my body is wracked and I gasp in the air, not able to let it out again until the next stroke hits my back forcing me to breathe again. The world turns alternately white, grey and red and I feel as if I am being beaten and smothered at the same time.

When the last of the ten strokes is given it feels as if the skin on my back is bursting, splitting apart.

All the while there has been hardly a sound from the press of townsfolk, instead all I have heard ringing in my ears is a fearsome scream.

The waggon moves on and Rebecca touches my hand. The touch that was meant to give comfort alarms me and I flinch away from her my body taut, my mind confused and the pain sears through me again. I can still walk but it is an effort to keep up to the cart, twice my feet drag and the pain in my shoulders knocks the breath from me before Rebecca can help me up.

The Market place. Ten, eleven, twelve, the world is black, I hear nothing but the swish of the cat and my own screams. My skin is on fire, my wrists are bleeding where I have pulled, wrenched and jerked against the leather thongs that hold me fast. I have no feeling in my arms and shoulders and I can no longer keep my head raised. 

Thirteen, Rebecca takes my hand again but I am looking on, somehow standing beside myself now, I see the crowd, John, the whole of the market place. 

Fourteen my body sags, my knees buckle, I feel as if my arms will be ripped from my shoulders.

Fifteen am I whispering? I don’t know, but in my head I am talking to my child, John’s child, our child. Bile rises I want to spew, I don’t.  
Sixteen, I am losing control of my body, my legs feel wet, I have peed myself.

Seventeen, eighteen the pain worsens, deepens, burns. I barely hear the crowd murmuring “enough,” “Cease this now” 

Nineteen. The world falls away.

“ENOUGH” Johns voice drips into my brain, he pushes through the crowd. The Constables men rush at him but they cannot hold him, his anger is fierce, his rage is hot and he pulls free. There are no blows but he sets them down on their arses in the dust.  
The Constable runs forward and bars his way.

“Master Proctor, hold fast I cannot allow you to..” There are no more words from the Constable, John takes his arm back and launches a punch, one punch and he hears as much as feels the crunch of bone beneath his fist. Willard drops to the floor like a sack of grain, his cheek bone shattered his nose rearranged and blood pouring down his face. No one in the crowd can ever remember John Proctor, stern but even tempered John Proctor, ever doing such a thing.

He wrenches the whip away from Samuel Wardwell and flings it away. They are matched in height and build though Wardwell is the younger and sets himself at John, tomorrow the Constable’s man will be sporting a black eye a cracked jaw and three fewer teeth.

John fishes in his pocket for his knife, keen and razor sharp it slices easily through the bonds at my wrists, in his haste he throws it onto the back of the cart.

Arms, strong arms, warm comforting, wrap around me and hold me up. Rebecca does the best she can to cover me.  
My body is light, my mind lighter, I am floating. I hear John, his voice is far away, a soft halting murmur as he tries to hold back his sobs.

“We are going home Esther, home my love, no one can ever bring you such pain again.

In the clamour no one notices the small pale hand reach into the cart, no one notices the slim fingers curl around the haft of the knife discarded there, no one notices as it is slipped furtively into a pocket.

 

 

**Up until the very late 17th, early 18th Century Magistrates were the primary person in the colonial court he was sometimes called judge and usually wasn’t a professional but drawn from either the church or from a political sphere. These were county courts usually dealing with minor crimes and rarely had juries or lawyers. The magistrate was in complete charge he heard the case and decided the verdict. 

John Hathorne was the Great Grandfather of Nathaniel Hawthorne, who held him up to severe criticism in later years.


	27. John and Esther Part 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bond is broken and Death prevails

The crowd clamours around, but now it is from sympathy and shame and a need to make amends. Someone unbolts the cart side and drops it down, Rebecca nurse, a woman of great sense pulls the dress back over Esther’s arms and breasts and then with the help of the women near her she clambers up onto the back of the waggon and removes her cloak spreading it out flat on the planks. 

The women who had helped Elizabeth in childbirth, Elizabeth Hubbard, Sarah Bibbir, Martha Carey and Alice Parker climb up beside Rebecca to help her and offer up their own garments.

Between John, and the Goodwives I am lifted carefully and settled gently atop the cloaks so that I can be as comfortable as maybe. They set me to rest on my side so that my back is not pressed against the boards for it is certain I cannot lay on my stomach.

“When we drive you home we will hold you steady girl” Martha kneels down and brushes a few strands of hair back from my face.

“Sarah” Rebecca taps her on the arm. “Run over to Master Martin’s and beg him for a large square of Linen, anything he can spare will do so long as it’s clean” John helps her down and she scuttles away. 

“Linen Rebecca?” John casts her a glance his brow furrowed.

“Aye John I shall lay it over her back and though the linen may well stick but it will be easier to remove when it is dampened and I will lay a cloak across her to keep her warm.

“Master Alden,” John calls up to the driver of the waggon “I rode in from the farm this morning, could you see your way clear to letting me use your waggon to get Esther home? 

“I can indeed Master Proctor, when you’re ready you can tie your horse up behind and I shall drive you myself.

John sighs with relief that he can take Esther home and not leave her on the town, no matter that these women would be with her he wants her home.

“Esther” he is kneeling beside me now, me his lips so close that I can feel them brush against my ear as he speaks to me. “I will have you home soon Esther, soon” He presses his lips to my temple and then to my cheek. He is gentle, I feel his beard brush against my skin and manage a slight smile. 

Sarah is soon back with the linen, but it is John who lays it over my broken and torn skin. He is gentle, careful, though he cannot avoid the hurt and I shrink away from his touch. It pains him and Rebecca sees the colour drain from him, sees his skin turn ashen his eyes darken for he cannot bear to think he is visiting more pain on his beloved Esther.

Folks are still clamouring to get a better look at what is happening and now Reverend Burrows has made his way from the church and jostles his way through the crowd. As he approaches he yells at the top of his voice.

“The punishment is not ended”

John Proctor jumps from the waggon and rounds on him.

“It is ended, and growls again It is ended”

Reverend Burrows opens his mouth to speak again and John roars at him now.

“Burrows unless you have a mind to nurse a face the same as the Constables I should stay quiet, for I will be happy to oblige you and I would suffer no guilt at setting a Reverend on his arse” 

Burrows blenched as John growled at him again “Take heed man, look at what the justice of this town has done, this girl and her child might not have survived the last ten lashes, and even now” Johns voice trails off as he grabs at George Burrows coat and hauls him to the side of the waggon. “Even now she is in such straits” 

He nods at Alice Parker and she gently lifts part of the cloth away.

“Look, Look at it Burrows”

George Burrows hisses his breath against his teeth and feels his knees give, he closes his eyes against the sight of Esther’s torn flesh and almost unheard whispers “May God have mercy”

But John Proctor hears him and fixes him with a fierce, hard stare.

“Aye may God have mercy on you and the Magistrate both for you will have none from me” John pushes him away and the Reverend stumbles backwards into the crowd.

“John, would you help me down?”

He turns at the sound of Rebecca Nurses voice.

“Give me a little time before we leave, I will go apothecary I think I should start straight away on Esther’s back.”

John lifts her down and sets her on the ground, she is as light as a feather and brittle as a dried stick

“You will need coin Rebecca”, John thrusts his hand into his pocket. 

“No, I need no money let me do this” 

“Thank you for your kindness” and John takes both her small gnarled hands between his and holds them fast for a moment before letting her go on her way.

The crowd was dispersing now many shaking their heads and wondering why the Magistrate had ordered such a harsh punishment.

“Master Alden, I shall go fetch my horse,”

“Aye John and I will walk with you to let my boy know he’s to mind the business while I’m away” Alden jumps down from the waggon ties up the reins and strides away with John

The Goodwives were standing close to the open side of the cart now keeping a close eye on Esther and every now and then one would check to make sure she was not cold and that her breathing was easy. 

“Esther,” Alice stands close to the waggon “Esther you’ll be going home soon, Master Proctor has only gone to fetch his horse, Rebecca is with the Apothecary both will be back here presently. 

I struggle to open my eyes, I feel cold, heavy and it is difficult to breath. Slowly and with great effort I creep my free hand out from under the cloak that covers me and try to curl my fingers around Alice’s fingers. She gently takes mine and rubs her thumb over the back of my hand in a soothing motion. The pain in my back is unbearable, my flesh burns, aches and itches all at once, every small movement and even the shallowest breath I take is agony.

“I must leave you for a moment child, but the others are not far away”

“Alice”, my voice is hoarse, barely a whisper. “Please do not go”

“Be calm Esther I can see Goody Nurse, she is on her way else I would not go, do not fret”

She squeezes, then lets go of my hand and turns away. 

Fingers strokes my face.

“Rebecca?”

The laugh is over bright, a touch of madness lies behind it and fear clutches at me as I force open my eyes.

“Susannah”   
“Aye Esther and I am not done with you yet... whore”

Her face shadowed by the hood of her cloak swims before my eyes as she leans towards me.

Susannah curls her fingers around the haft of Johns Gully knife and carefully draws it from her pocket. In one swift move her arms is raised then brought down hard. 

I cannot even scream out and only a low throaty moan escapes my lips as the blade is forced deep into my side then straightway pulled out. My body is too weak all I can do is try and turn away, but I am slow and only manage to lay on my back. The pain from my torn flesh is agonizing as my body presses against the boards.

But Susannah is not done and through half closed eyes I see the blade rise and fall again, I am so feeble I cannot even raise my arms to defend myself. She is in a frenzy.

My eyes close but I muster all my strength and I hear my voice crying louder.

“Oh God, John forgive me I cannot not stop her, my Baby, my baby,” and then I feel the knife twice more and twice again. If she delivers more strikes I do not feel them.

I stand calmly away from the waggon now hands atop my belly and I watch as the commotion unfolds. Susannah is screaming now and is held fast by two officers of the court. She is wild, unhinged, raging.

Women are screaming, men are yelling and rushing towards the waggon. Finally someone gets close enough to wrest the knife from her grip and haul her back for in her madness she is strong.

“Look at all you weak willed pitiful men, you did not have the courage to punish this whore as she deserved. But I am not so chary I have served justice on her, the whore.” Susannah’s cloak is spattered, though you can barely tell on the dark cloth. Her hands are bloody, she has wiped one of them across her brow and the red is bright against her pale skin.

John sees the commotion and rides up fast taking it all in. He is out of the saddle and racing towards me before his horse even stops. Rebecca is already there, she can do nothing but she needs no words to tell John, for her her look says all and silent tears run down her grim face.

“For you John, for you, to save you from the whore” Susannah yells at him as she is led away.

John roars back, his voice rattling like thunder “I swear I shall see you hang for this Susannah Parris” 

I see the waggon moving away, my life blood seeps and drips between the gaps in the boards leaving spots and spatters on the ground beneath. I grow cold, but John is warm as he cradles my body against him, his face white, his eyes dark. And all the while as I am taken back to the farm he croons and whispers my name over and over and drops gentle kisses to my hair. He is so broken and wounded he cannot cry.

**Carry me home when the light in my eyes does fade  
Carry me home when the shadow comes to take me away  
Lay down my bones knowing I'll be in a better place  
Release my soul, carry me home**

“John, you may go and see Esther now”

Rebecca squeezes his shoulder gently and as he turns to follow her upstairs he catches sight of the unfinished cradle still set atop the cupboard and his heart seems to stop. Tomorrow he will burn it.

Esther has been bathed, cleaned and properly “laid out” in her small bed. The coverlets are pulled up to her waist, her arms folded across her breast and unusually her hair has been left loose and spread against the pillow.

“Rebecca, Mercy, thank you for your kindness” John manages a tight smile.

For the next three days John works the farm like a man in a dream and for three nights he sleeps on the floor next to where Esther is laid, for he could not bear to leave her alone in the cold dark room.

She lays now in a plain coffin set upon the table in the keeping room.

Reverend Burrows paces back and forth his face red his bible clutched against his chest.

“It cannot be allowed Master Proctor there is a grave set ready for her”

John glared, “Allow it or I shall dig the grave myself and be damned to you, she will be buried in the Proctor plot”

“She is....” Burrows hesitates.

John steps closer to him “She is more than you could ever imagine George Burrows” and for the first time he admits what Reverend Burrows has always known. “She was my life, she carried my child and now both are gone and Esther had no one else left that she could have called family”

“Well if they are all dead, then let her be buried with them”

“No” John barely raises his voice but Burrows steps back at the anger there. “She will not be taken from Salem I will not allow it”

John strokes his hand across the closed coffin, but he can still see her face, bright, smiling and her hair like fire as it catches the sun.  
“Very well John, I will arrange it” and John thinks he sees something in George Burrows eyes......Sympathy perhaps or guilt?

There was no gathering at the Proctor Farm on the night before Esther’s funeral. For those folks who had decried Esther when she was alive, John would not allow to set foot in his house now that she was dead.

Even so neighbours gathered at the farm on the day of the funeral and the men came forward to offer themselves as bearers, he supposed it was their quiet way of making some amends. It was a long walk to Salem burial ground and the bearers changed at places along the way. But not John, he would not give up his place and carried the coffin the whole way. 

Alice Parker’s husband drives John’s waggon, Rebecca and Elizabeth who clutches Thomas to her, sit up with Master Parker. Mercy and the children ride in the back. As they near the town the Church bell tolls loud and more folks come to gather at the graveside. As is the custom, there is no sermon just a few words spoken as the coffin is lowered. Folks stand around as the grave is filled, but they have another purpose, for in less than an hour Susannah Parris will breathe her last at the end of a rope.

The scaffold is set and she is led out, wild, and unrepentant yelling at the crowd “I have done God’s will when you were all afraid to, today I will see my maker in heaven.”

John Proctor promised himself that he would watch as Susannah was hanged, he promised himself that he would do it for Esther to see justice done for her. But in the end he cannot, he cannot watch as another life is taken. Before the hatch is opened the last thing that Susannah sees is John turning his back to her and walking away towards the graveyard.

The grave is filled now, and a small wooden cross mark the place.

Only now in the quiet of this place does John allow himself to weep. He drops to his knees head bowed, his shoulders shake and his breath comes out in ragged harsh sobs.

“Rest now my love my sweet bird, rest with our child”   
John plunges his hand into his coat pocket and pulls out two sprigs of Rosemary, crushes them between his fingers and breathes in the scent before placing them on top of the soft brown earth.

Rosemary for weddings, for death and for remembrance. 

**Carry me home when the light in my eyes does fade  
Carry me home when the shadow comes to take me away  
Lay down my bones knowing I’ll be in a better place  
Release my soul, carry me home

Carry me home there’s no sorrow down in the ground  
Carry me home don’t you weep for I am freedom bound  
Lay down my bones there is peace within the light I’ve found  
Release my soul, carry me home

 

Carry me home when the light in my eyes does fade  
Carry me home when the shadow comes to take me away  
Lay down my bones knowing I’ll be in a better place  
Release my soul, carry me home

 

Quietly I feel your whisper settle on me, quietly I’m carried on  
Quietly I feel your whisper settle on me, quietly you let me go...

 

John Proctor did not speak again of Esther Parris and he kept his pain and grief well hidden.   
But For thirty years he slept each night in the narrow bed that they had shared for such a brief time. He never returned to his marriage bed, even though Elizabeth died long before him he never went back to it.   
Neither did he destroy the cradle but with care he fitted it together, the panel still unfinished where the initials and the date should have been carved and for the rest of his days it stood beside his bed.  
When John Proctor was laid to rest most of Salem was there to witness as his body was placed in the ground and most of them were not surprised when John Proctor was laid to rest not with his wife Elizabeth but with his only love Esther and their unborn child. 

 

*Song credit, The Sweeplings “Carry me home”*


	28. John and Esther Epilogue Part 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunited at last.

September 2017

“Thank God that’s over and done with?” Pinching the bridge of his nose he slides his reading glasses down his nose and looks over the frame with what his students call the “Professorial Stare” 

Jane hesitates “There’s one more applicant waiting John” 

“No, that was the last, unless,” He snatches up three slightly dog-eared sheets of paper stapled together and waves them at Jane. “Unless you seriously expect me to conduct this interview” One look at her face tells him she does. “Surely not, I mean have you seen this?”

“Oh yes, I’ve seen it”

He sets his glasses on the table, rubs his hands up and down his face then presses his palms against his eyes and sighs, then gives her a wide smile, 

“You’re serious about me seeing her aren’t you?” “Well you’ve known me since I was in nappies, clipped me round the ear when I needed it, not to mention kept me out of trouble and covered for me more times than I care to remember so I think I can trust your judgement.”

Jane laughed, “Yes we go back a long way, goodness it makes me feel old”

“Never, and I don’t know what we’d do without you”

Jane smiled, she knew that coming from John it wasn’t a platitude he really meant what he said.

“Looking at the state of the application, I might need a restorative and I don’t mean coffee, I think whisky might be a better option.  
“So, you’ve enlightened me on every other applicant, what makes you think I should interview this one?”

“Weeeeellll” He notes the twist of her mouth, she was trying not to smile.

“It’s probably very wrong of me John but as your wife isn’t here to help” She almost spits the words at him “I’d like to put in my Two Pennorth and I think she would be ideal, for what that’s worth so I’m not sorry I let this one through.”

“Different I take it”

“You could say that, but in a good way I think”

“Thank God, hopefully she might have some common sense, all bar one of the others have been absolutely hopeless.” He jabs one long index finger towards the pile of todays discarded application forms dumped on the floor. 

For two days he has been interviewing prospective applicants and it has just about driven him crazy. Out of the whole batch there is only been one he considers to be remotely suitable and she could turn out to be more trouble than she’s worth. Far too full of herself.  
Replacing the cap on his fountain pen he places it on the small table then reads the remaining application out loud.

Age: 24  
Previous Experience: “Yes!”  
Qualifications; “I have a brain, what else do I need?” 

He can’t help the snort that escapes him.

“Self-confident verging on the bloody-minded wouldn’t you agree?” A grin settles on his face and he doesn’t read any further, there is a sparkle in his eyes as he glances across at Jane his housekeeper, come secretary and cook when necessary, and there is the start of a smile hovering around her mouth.

“Jane, this should never have got as far as my desk should it” John bites at the inside of his bottom lip as the realisation dawns on him. “You know her well don’t you?”

“Yes I do, she already helps out on the Estate, she works with Matty and Sarah on the farm when they need it and with Gregor on the shoot. She’s a damn good cook, knows most of the folks around here and is your Mothers sole source of salacious gossip and illicit chocolate.”

“Anything else?” his forehead wrinkles and his eyebrows fly upward as he fixes Jane with a wide eyed stare.

Jane hesitates, wonders how much she should tell him and settles on what she considers the most important point.

“She needs the money John, I mean she really needs the money”

John leans back in his chair, arms folded behind his head and with a groan arches his back into a stretch.

Jane shakes her head slowly and points an accusatory finger at him.

“You’re working too hard John, what with your academic commitments and coming to grips with managing the estate, you’ve barely had time to draw breath since you moved in” she takes a step closer “But we do need more help in the house now, with your Mother being less able and the children staying here, so why not give her a chance and see what you think?”

He settles back into the “Wing Easy” and rests his right ankle on his left knee. 

“You, Jane Metcalfe are a damned bulldozer,” He smiles but in spite of that there is a sadness in his expression, “To be honest I’m not sure how long the children will be here Jane, and it’s all becoming a little complicated”

Jane bites her tongue and thinks "Damned right it is, that bitch is going to make your life hell John” 

“So, shall I show her in then?” 

“Oh why not, let’s live dangerously. I doubt she’ll be any worse than the others, in fact by the sound of it she’ll be a hell of a sight more interesting if nothing else.”

“I’ll send her in then” she left the room with purpose, her heels clacking on the wooden floor.

“You’re becoming less of a stuffed shirt every day John” she laughs at him.  
**********************************

Esther’s POV

I adored you  
Before I laid my eyes I laid my eyes on you  
L'amour toujours  
I just can't take my eyes can't take my eyes off you

I’d been kicking my heels outside the drawing room for an age. The last four applicants had scrutinised me from head to foot as we waited and then tried to make small talk, I couldn’t be arsed with that and eventually they left me alone. None of their interviews had taken long which wasn’t very surprising, I know all of them and the first three were all completely, utterly, mind-blowingly dim. The fourth was the stunning Susannah Parris, if anyone got the job it would be her. Bright, very self-assured and probably far too clever for her own good. 

When Jane comes out of the drawing room I’m slouched down on the hard backed, hard seated chair with my hands stuffed in my jeans pockets and my legs stretched out in front of me. I take note of her “I told you so” look and my heart sinks to my shoes.

“Thanks for trying Jane.” I hitch myself back up and get to my feet. “My own fault I should have been sensible and filled the damned thing in properly but all those damned questions just put my back up.” Then I notice the broad smile spreading across her face. 

“What?

“Oh he wants to see you love, though I think you might have made more of an effort with your clothes” She looks me up and down, I’ve come straight from helping Matty at the farm and although I’ve swapped my muddy, stinky wellies for a pair of loafers, I am still wearing my mud spattered jeans and an old sweater unravelling at the hem. Grubby hands, slightly ragged nails and hair like a bird’s nest complete the ensemble. Truth be told I probably would have had time to change. I shrug my shoulders and give her a wry little smile  
“Best he knows what he’s getting, no point in trying to Gild the Lilly.

“In you go then” Janie knocks at the door.

“Come in” 

The voice is deep and pleasant. 

I’ve been in here many times but it never ceases to make me pause, look and smile. The room is stunning, the beautiful Jacobean panelling glows in the soft sunlight filtering into the room. Intricate strapwork, like piped Royal icing criss-crosses the ceiling. The plain dark oak floor is scattered with old rugs and dotted about is a collection of furniture and objects from practically every period of the house’s 400 or so years of existence. My favourites are the two massive Knole Sofa’s on either side of the fire place, old and a bit threadbare but I love them.

“Shall we start with the interview or would you prefer the historical tour” I jump slightly, but there is a gentle chuckle bubbling under the words. 

“Sorry” I mumble and feel my face redden as I make my way over to the two comfortable looking wing chairs. They are set at an angle to each other and face the open window which gives a wide view of the beautiful parkland dotted with it’s ancient trees. A small table has been placed between them and holds a single application form, a fountain pen and a pair of specs. My eye is drawn to movement from the chair on the left and I almost gasp as the owner of the voice seems to unfurl himself from it’s depths. He’s tall, in fact probably taller than me by a foot or so, short dark hair, greying attractively at the sides and a neatly trimmed beard peppered with grey. Long legs encased in slim cut black jeans, expensive black trainers, soft grey sweater, cashmere no doubt, over a dark Tee shirt. I can’t afford designer but I sure as hell know it when I see it.

He holds out his hand and I step towards him extending my own. His smile is generous, welcoming and reaches his eyes. Oh wow and hellfire, those eyes, piercing, glorious blue but there seems to be some sadness there, hundreds of years of sadness.

“Daddy, Daddy” He whirls round to the window,

“Daddy I picked this for you, it smells lovely” 

A little girl with only her head and one arm visible above the window sill clutches a sprig of greenery in her chunky little fist and waves it at him. He leans out of the window to her.

“Thank you sweetheart” 

“Daddy lift me in”

“I have to talk to this lady angel”

“Pleeease Daddy” she wheedles.

As he reaches forwards and down to haul the little girl up through the casement, I am treated to a view of taut, shapely backside and gloriously long legs with beautifully toned thighs. I snag my bottom lip between my teeth, otherwise I might well forget myself and groan out loud. I can’t believe the effect he is having on me. He is an “Older Dad” but he’s wearing it well, very well indeed.

Little bossy boots has him in a strangle hold, she has the same firm chin and bright blue eyes as her father but her hair is a soft brown. Her clothing is nothing if not eclectic, yellow jumper, pink tutu, red tights and on her feet wellies, odd wellies one blue the other green with big googly frog eyes.   
He flashes me a smile as he sees me trying to keep a straight face.

“Today is wear what you like day, I don’t think I need to say any more, but heaven help us if the Fashion Police find out” He shuffles her onto his hip, holds her firm with his left arm and extends his right towards me, suddenly I am conscious of my grubby fingers and ragged nails. 

“John Proctor” His hand though large, is elegant with long well shaped fingers and his grip is firm but not crushing. The feel of his fingers curling around mine is reassuring, pleasing and somehow familiar.

I am close enough now to recognise the sprig of greenery. It’s Rosemary, my favourite herb peppered with pale blue flowers and with a strong, aromatic scent.

“Pleased to meet you Professor Proctor, Esther, Esther Putnam”

I am hit again with the full force of a wide bright smile, which lights his face and settles at the crinkles around those glorious eyes. I drop my head a little in embarrassment.

A loud stage whisper swirls around us.

“I like her Daddy, she’s pretty and she has pretty hair” 

“I have to agree with you sweetheart” he replies softly but not quite under his breath and his voice slides over me like warm molasses.

I feel my eyes widen in surprise, the heat rise to my cheeks. I’m sure that he meant me to hear what he said.

Then louder he adds “This little termagant is my daughter Abigail, four going on fourteen” 

He presses a kiss against her cheek. “Your face tickles” she giggles 

“Can I give her this Daddy?” 

“Of course sweetheart” 

Abigail thrusts the sprig towards me and I take it crushing it slightly between my fingers breathing in the scent of it and in a low voice I murmur “Rosemary for Weddings, for Death and for Remembrance” 

He stares at me and I swear I hear him whisper “You have hair like fire” 

The moment is shattered as the door to the drawing room swings wide.

“There you are why did you run away? Daddy said you were to stay with me”

The little queen on high graces him with a “raspberry” then sticks her tongue out at him. 

The accuser is a boy of about seven years old, a boy who looks as if he will grow to be very tall, though he hasn’t quite grown into his legs yet. He is the image of John, the same dark hair, same brilliant blue eyes, an acorn that didn’t fall far from the tree. His sweater is a little too large, the most bilious shade of green I’ve ever seen and it, like his jeans is spattered with mud but at least his trainers match, although his socks don’t, one purple and one yellow.

I stifle a laugh as John rolls his eyes heavenwards.

“And this gangly colt is my son Samuel” The boy flushes pink then holds out his hand to shake mine.

I realise John and I are still holding hands and neither of us seems in a hurry to let go.

My eyes lock on to his, my heart thuds everything slips away except John, Abigail and Samuel I feel as if I have known them forever.

Come to me and I shall give you peace  
Come to me lay down your head  
Touch the rain and feel the summer breeze  
Say the things we've never said  
I will keep you from the world outside  
I will never let you go  
I will be the thing you dream about  
Come to me and you will know

I adored you  
Before I laid my eyes I laid my eyes on you  
L'amour toujours  
I just can't take my eyes can't take my eyes off you

 

John’s POV

I adored you  
Before I laid my eyes I laid my eyes on you  
L'amour toujours  
I just can't take my eyes can't take my eyes off you

“Come in” 

The door creaks open and the next applicant walks in. From my vantage point in the wing chair I have a reasonable view of her, just observing someone can give as much information as any words. A few steps into the room and she halts, looks around and a wide smile settles on her lips. Her body language is relaxed, clearly she isn’t overawed by what she sees and I sense immediately that she’s been in this room before, she knows and loves it. Who wouldn’t, even to me the room is stunning.   
The beautiful Jacobean panelling glows in the soft sunlight filtering into the room. Intricate strapwork like piped Royal icing criss crosses the ceiling. The plain dark oak floor is scattered with old rugs and dotted about is a collection of furniture and objects from practically every period of the house’s 400 or so years of existence. My favourites are the two massive Knole Sofa’s on either side of the fire place, old and a bit threadbare but I love them. 

This applicant is as unlike the others as wine is to water and I observe her as she looks around the room. I find myself warming to her even before we settle to the interview. I should, I suppose, be irritated that she has turned up in scuffed loafers, mud spattered jeans and a ratty old sweater that has clearly seen better days but somehow it doesn’t seem to matter. Her hair is a rich copper colour and flows down over her shoulders in soft waves. I imagine how much more glorious it would look if she had bothered to rake a brush through it. This young woman has a presence an energy but I feel that shyness lurks just beneath the bravado of her application. She intrigues me.

“Shall we start the interview or would you prefer the historical tour” The sound of my voice startles her, she jumps slightly and I feel a little guilty.

“Sorry” She mumbles. I notice the pink flush spreading up her face as she makes her way over to the chairs. I have set them at an angle to each other and they face the open window which gives a wide view of the beautiful parkland dotted with it’s ancient trees. There’s a small table placed between them, on it her application form, my pen and specs. I prefer people to feel relaxed and comfortable when I interview them and I find this view particularly calming. She looks across sharply when she notices me hauling myself from my chair, I swear I hear her gasp slightly but I’m well aware that my height and general demeanour can make me seem intimidating. Looking at her I should say I am at least a foot taller than she is. 

As I hold out my hand she steps towards me extending her own. There is a tentative smile on her lips, wisps of hair stick to her face and there are, what look to be small pieces of straw caught in it here and there, but there is a wariness in those blue/green eyes, wariness and definitely some sadness, hundreds of years of sadness.

“Daddy, Daddy”

I whirl round to the open window.

“Daddy I picked this for you, it smells lovely” 

With only her head and one arm visible above the window sill, my daughter clutches a sprig of greenery in her chunky little fist and waves it at me. I can’t help but smile down at her as I lean out of the window.

“Thank you sweetheart” 

“Daddy lift me in” 

“I have to talk to this lady angel” I explain.

“Pleeease Daddy” she wheedles.

She has me wrapped around her fingers, but I don’t mind. Reaching forward and down to haul her up through the casement I am acutely aware that I am being thoroughly observed, I take care of my body but I hope I fall short of being too vain. Had it been any of the others I might well have taken exception to being scrutinised but I feel strangely flattered.

Little bossy boots has me in a strangle hold. The young woman in front of me is valiantly attempting to keep a straight face at my daughter’s choice of clothing, yellow jumper, pink tutu, red tights and wellingtons, mismatched wellingtons one blue the other green with big googly frog eyes. I smile across at her.

“Today is wear what you like day, I don’t think I need to say anymore but Heaven help us if the fashion police decide to raid”

As I shuffle her to my hip and hold her firm with my left arm I extend my right hand towards the young woman in front of me, she extends hers and I note the slightly grubby fingers and ragged nails. I notice too that she stares at me seemingly coming to terms with the fact I’m an Older Dad. 

“John Proctor” I hope when I take her hand that my grip isn’t too firm but she clasps mine firmly and I find the feel of her fingers curling around mine is reassuring and pleasing and somehow familiar.

“Pleased to meet you Professor Proctor, I’m Esther, Esther Putnam” 

I am hit with the full force of a wide bright smile, which lights up her face and and settles at those glorious eyes, then she drops her head a little in embarrassment.

A loud stage whisper swirls around us. 

“I like her Daddy, she’s pretty and she has pretty hair”

“I have to agree with you sweetheart” I reply not quite under my breath and see Esther’s eyes widen in surprise and a flush settle on her cheeks. I know she has heard me, but then I wanted her to, didn’t I? 

“This little termagant is my daughter Abigail, four going on fourteen” I press a kiss against her cheek.

“Your face tickles” she giggles.

“Can I give her this Daddy?”

“Of course sweetheart”

Abigail thrusts the sprig towards Esther and as she takes it I notice she crushes the leaves between her fingers and breathes in the scent whispering, “Rosemary for Weddings, for Death and for Remembrance” Her voice is low and soft and strikes at my heart.

Something takes a hold of me, I stare directly at her and whisper “You have hair like fire”. 

Damn she must have heard me

The moment is shattered as the door to the drawing room swings wide.

“There you are why did you run away? Daddy said you were to stay with me”

The little queen on high graces him with a “raspberry” then sticks her tongue out at him. 

Her accuser is seven years old. He will be tall like me I think, although he hasn’t quite grown into his legs yet. People say he is the image of me, with his dark hair and blue eyes, an acorn that didn’t fall far from the tree. I groan inwardly, oh God that sweater, too large and the most bilious shade of green I’ve ever seen and like his jeans it’s spattered with mud but at least his trainers match, although his socks don’t one purple and one yellow.

I see her trying to stifle a laugh and I roll my eyes heavenwards. 

“And this gangly colt is my son Samuel” he flushes pink then, as he’s been taught, holds out his hand to her.  
It’s only then I realise Esther and I are still holding hands and neither of us seems in a hurry to let go.

My eyes lock on to hers, my heart thuds everything slips away except Esther, I feel as if I have known her forever.

Follow me to where the rivers meet  
Tell me I belong to you  
Feel the grass crumble beneath your feet  
Set me free and let me loose  
Take my heart for it is yours to keep  
Shackle my spirit to you  
You are mine and mine eternally  
Come to me you always knew

I adored you  
Before I laid my eyes I laid my eyes on you  
L'amour toujours  
I just can't take my eyes can't take my eyes off you

Song Credit  
Words from:-  
"Adore" by Jasmine Thompson


End file.
